A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloM7 husband has a tendency of yelling and blaming me for everything. We've been together 30 years. It's gotten worse the last couple of years. If something in the house goes wrong it's my fault. Example the kitchen pipe got plugged and he yelled it had to be me. I need to be more careful and this and that.Our dog had puppies and it's my fault! I should have gotten her spayed. I did tell him after this litter I will get her spayed. He could have as well. If the house isn't spotless it's my fault! I should be more clean and meticulous. I work full time and also have health conditions and still clean up. I have grown slightly resentful for his put downs. Any advice. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2023): Having been in a relationship nearly as long as you have; it was with a Type-A, over-achiever. A baby-narcissist, to be more precise. He died of cancer, God rest his soul. He was a kind and generous person; he had a marvelous sense of humor. He could talk to the devil, and charm his pants off. He was a lawyer by profession. We were together 28 years.
I can relate to always being faulted for whatever goes wrong; because he couldn't possibly be blamed, because he was just too together and perfect. I met this person when we were only teenagers; and as time passed, we became more than friends. I watched him gain success as the years went by. We were both successful professionals. He often shouted at me, condescended to me, and I would just take it; because I'm a layback kind of guy. I hate confrontations; and was raised in a home where you didn't scream at each-other. You got mad, but you maintained your civility. You didn't suppress your feelings, you learned to control your temper.
I had to learn to stand my ground. Funny thing is, I could do that when it comes down to business. I can even be brutal when the situation calls for it; but that is less likely in my family, or personal, life. He would use his trial-court skills and sharp-tongue to make me feel as if trying to win an argument was futile. He would make me feel small after a tongue-lashing; but always apologized, and he was sincere. He had a temper, and a short fuse.
I got tired of always being the one to be his whipping-post and shock absorber. If I can run a corporate-business, and manage a region; I should be able to stand-up against a tyrant who chopped me down, just to apologize to the woodchips he grinded me into. I simply had enough. Not just with him, but others as well.
I would stop the argument in its tracks. I reminded him to whom he was speaking; and reminded him, then and there, I'm not his servant or some subordinate at his law office. I reminded him that I was there voluntarily; not because I was under contract, or bound by some unbreachable agreement he could sue me for. I also called him a "narcissist" to his face!!! I told him he reminded me of a bully I stood-up to when I was a kid! He knew the story, I had told him many times about it. I dealt with that kid, and I was going to deal with this adult! He was often out of control, and taking it out on me, whatever it was.
When he raised his voice, I stopped yelling back. I wouldn't say a peep! I left the room. If he resorted to name-calling, I reminded him how it sounded coming from a supposedly "sophisticated intellectual." He sounded more like a bar-brawling loud-mouthed moron! He became speechless; because I usually backed-down, or I'd silently cower, and let him brow-beat me to a pulp.
He blamed me for all sorts of things, and insulted my intelligence; sometimes in public.
Once, I left a book about narcissists in his briefcase. I confronted him face-to-face about verbal-abuse and intimidation; and suggested he get some kind of help. He could be so insulting, it almost came to blows! It took awhile, but I modified that behavior. I would not engage when he got angry. I told him I won't take his insults anymore; and I refuse to listen while he was angry or yelling. If he called me names, I wrote it down on a sticky note; and stuck it to the bathroom mirror.
We had a final confrontation. I told him I've had enough. I will not take the blame for every mistake, or inconvenience, that he couldn't be at fault for. I was no longer going to allow my intelligence to be insulted; and told him I was going to start recording him, and playing his nasty confrontations back to him full blast; or let the police listen to him going on one of his rants. I reminded him it was my home too, and I had every right to live in it in peace. I also told him yelling and rages were signs of mental-health issues and aggression disorder. Oh, he hated that! Not Mr. Sophisticated Attorney! How dare I!
It took awhile, but I had to stand my ground. I had to let him know that from time to time we were going to have major disagreements; and I will also make some big mistakes. So would he; but I was no longer going to listen to his yelling voice, or be demeaned by someone who has anger issues. I also told him, that if he couldn't handle the pressure at work; get another job, or find another place to live. I wasn't going anywhere, because I'm not the abuser. I was sick and tired of it. Even our little pug, would go hide during our exchanges. I would shake for hours afterwards. This was years ago, but things got better.
You're a woman, you'll find it harder to stand-up to toxic testosterone. Insist on going to marriage-counseling; or start consulting with a divorce attorney. Tell him when he is being "verbally-abusive." Years of this bad-habit has desensitized him to hurting your feelings. I've been there, and know how that feels.
He has to be willing to work with you, and he also has to know that you've reached your saturation-point. Call him an abuser to his face. Tell him if he doesn't stop, you will call the police to lower the room temperature when he starts his temper tantrums. You will not take it anymore, and if it takes leaving him to find peace; consider it to be on the table. You must insist on marriage-counseling; but if you consult with a lawyer, keep it to yourself until you have made a final decision. You don't always have to pay for a consultation; and you don't always have to seek divorce as a remedy. Your mate has to know when he has crossed the line for the final time. You can't backdown, no matter how intimidating, or condescending, he can be. Enough is enough.
If you don't feel like cleaning. Don't! If he goes on one of his rants; if you drive, go find a place to clear your head. Don't drive when you're too emotionally shaken, you shouldn't get into a vehicle in that frame of mind. Don't stand there, and let him beat you down. Walkaway, and find yourself a safe place out of ear-shot.
You're not to blame, but you've allowed him to rant and show aggression towards you too long; until you've become his scapegoat for all of his own inadequacies or insecurities. You've allowed his continued verbal-abuse to become his way of letting off steam; and gaslighting you to believe you're the thorn in his side. He really blames himself, but his stubborn male-pride makes him project it onto you.
Girlfriend, it is time to put a stop to it. It's no telling what it could escalate to, if you allow him to go too far! Sorry, if I overshared. I learned how to defend myself; and I learned I didn't have to take it anymore. Our lives changed, and things got better. He learned how to conduct himself around me; even when he was angry or upset with me.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2023):
 You BOTH should have considered getting the dog spayed. It shouldn't just be one person's responsibility UNLESS the dog is yours. (or his)
Clogged pipes suck and can be costly. Again, it's rarely just one person's fault if they get clogged. So he needs to calm his tits.
If the house isn't spotless, SO BE IT. He wants more cleaning done - HE is welcome to do it or hire someone. You both work full-time. It's ridiculous that you are supposed to do ALL the housework and work full time on top (but not uncommon).
Can you all afford a cleaning service? If so, DO IT!
If you WANT to stay married and with him, perhaps some couples counseling can help. Your husband sounds like he takes to 100% for granted and that is a hard one to nip in the bud.
I have been laid up for 4 days (slipped on some ice and hurt my knee and back) and hubby had to do the cooking and cleaning... I can tell you this, the house is a mess, and my kitchen a disaster. I spend 2 hours!! today cleaning my kitchen. It normally takes me maybe 30-45 min daily. He did cook. He shoveled snow, my daughters did all the laundry and some of the dishes and light cleaning I asked them to do. It will probably take me a week to get the house back on track. And that is OK. I'll take my time. But I did not hear a negative PEEP out of my family for not having the house in order. I was waited on hand and foot.
Your husband needs to do some flipping chores and help out! He is old enough to know that you can't DO everything on your own AND work full-time.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (29 January 2023):
 I dont take divorce lightly but there comes a time when you just aren't happy and can't take it anymore. You have to figure out whether you can put up with your husband or not long term. Would counselling help? Sometimes it will but sometimes you just have to walk away to find your happiness. Staying with someone with things not resolved only causes anger frustration and unhappiness that can build up till it just explodes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2023): If husband is working full time and you are a stay at home wife then you have a lot more spare time than him and it should be down to you to make sure the dog is spayed. He cannot be in two places at once and needs to relax when he gets home after a long day at work. But you work full time and have health conditions so thinking it is all down to you is unreasonable, short sighted, unfair and stupid. In fact if you both work full time but you are the one with health problems you should be doing less housework and chores than him.
I am younger than my husband but have chronic physical illness. It was his idea to do more, I did not have to ask or suggest it and hope he is decent, he is a decent man. Why do you want to be living with a man who is so selfish and unfair? If he is like this about chores and housework he is like this about other things too probably, but even if it is only about these things - maybe he is the old school where it is women's work - you are better off without him in many ways. Nobody here can make him nice or change his attitude. It is a case of you deciding whether to live with someone like that or not.
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