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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband cut ties with a number of friends for various reasons - some were holding on much too tight when we first got together and acted like teenagers. Others partying, drugs etc. One of those friends he is fond of but hasn’t seen in awhile - a family member of theirs passed away. So now he feels that he should go but it’s basically walking into a class reunion with people that were kind of horrible in the beginning of the relationship causing those ties to end. I just feel completely uncomfortable with the idea of him going and being around that - not to mention ex girls that will be there too. Having a hard time processing these feelings and dealing with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2023): You call your husband's old friends troublesome, but your husband must have been very much like them. Troublesome too.
Otherwise he would not have wanted to be friends with them and they would not have allowed and invited him into their fold.
Remember that he is the same as them. You try to put it as though he is more superior, well behaved and smarter than them. If that were true they would never have got together or been together in the first place. Oil and water do not mix.
When an oil person meets a water person they do not join together, not at all, let alone for a year or more. You also talk as if your husband is dumb and cannot see what they are really like and needs advice and handling as if you are his mother. So much for him being smarter than them. You are the one who married a guy like this. Where are your own smarts?
Now you complain because of it.
Let's put it like this... if you bought an enormous water bed and plonked it in the middle of your bedroom - your choice - and then it got a leak and flooded the room, whose fault is that?
If you spent all your money and got into debt whose fault is that?
Remember you chose your husband. When he asked you to marry him you said the word yes and progressed with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2023): "...not to mention ex girls that will be there too."
You didn't mention your ages, or indicate where you come from geographically; so you'll get a lot of platitudes and presumptions. In a nutshell, we don't know you; so we could be way off the mark.
I suspect what bothers you most is the quote above. I suspect you're both adults, and you both do what you want to do. I wouldn't think your husband is such a blind-follower that people can just pressure him into doing things he isn't already inclined to do of his own free-will. If you don't trust him; the problem doesn't lie with the women, or his bad friends. He's your problem.
When people leave-out their ages, they are usually very old, or very young. I will presume the latter. I'll speculate that you're a young married-couple. In your 30's at most. You used the term "ex-girls" which isn't how you'd refer to anyone 40, or older.
Judge your husband by his own merits. If he is a big-time partier, or someone you have to monitor to make him behave; he's going to do what he wants to do, because he is a grown-ass man. Your concerns can (and should) be discussed. You have to let him know how deeply these people trouble you; but judge him by his concern and respect for your feelings. If he seems indifferent, and he goes out and gets into a lot of trouble; don't blame his friends. He is not a child. You may be young; but I doubt you're children, if you're married.
Hold him accountable for his actions. Judge and trust him based on his usual habits and personality. He's doing what he wants to do when he misbehaves with other women, and that's not entirely their fault. You have to deal with who he is, and what he does. Don't blame other people, if he's not trustworthy; or prone to get himself into a lot of trouble.
If he starts doing drugs, and has been rehabilitated; then you will have to offer him an ultimatum for staying clean. If he falls off the wagon; it is by his own choice, not because anybody twisted his arm. He has to weigh the consequences of losing his marriage, and demonstrate his respect for you. By and large, you have to let him know that if things go wrong; he can, and will lose you...and you will have to mean it! Idle threats mean nothing. Then you will have to trust him to do the right thing. If he doesn't, then do what's right for you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2023): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea - I am not a mommy”. I am saying I feel uncomfortable after everything that happened and having trouble processing the feelings.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (31 January 2023):
 How old are you two?
It sounds like you have taken on the "mommy role" here. That you have to be the grown-up who decides which people your husband can be friends with and who he can not.
Which to me sounds utterly controlling.
Now I get if he has friends who do drugs and party, but then again HE would have done that WHILE dating you, before marriage. So it was OK then but once he was married it was no longer OK?
Why marry him in the first place?
Is your husband incapable of thinking for himself?
Sit him down and lay out how it makes you feel and why. If he can not understand that, maybe YOU need to reconsider this marriage all together.
I don't think it's healthy to HAVE to micromanage a spouse or partner. For either of you.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 January 2023):
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