A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my husband wont have sex with me and its driving us apart. we have been married for 5 years and in the beginning it was great. but for the last 2 years im lucky if we have sex once a month, and its always me who instigates it. ive tried talking to him and he says its because he finds it hard to get an erection. but i know he satisfies himself. he also looks at porn when im not in, and this is sometimes gay porn too. ive confronted him with this but he denies it and we have big rows and he stops speaking to me for months. he never takes me out to clubs ect but when we arnt speaking he goes out at weekends drinking on his own and comes in after the clubs have closed. ive followed him before to see if its men hes chatting up but its always woman. deep down i dont think he wants to be married, but im not in a financial position to move out. i want my marriage to work. help xx
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 June 2011):
I don't think it's the lack of sex that's driving you and your husband apart, I think it's just the symptom that your marriage is falling apart from other issues.
he could be having a lot of personal problems which he's not telling you about. Maybe the reason he's not telling you is because the relationship between you isn't good and he knows or believes he will not get support from you or it will make the relationship even worse.
either way, the fact is that he's emotionally detached from you and from the marriage. Either he does not love you or he's too consumed with his own personal issues to give a damn about anything or anyone else. If so, then he needs to be alone, and not to be in a marriage because with marriage comes obligations to consider someone else's feelings and needs and he can't do that if he can't even keep himself together. Going out to clubs by himself drinking by himself, chatting up other women - sounds like he either wants to live a single life, or else he's consumed with personal emotional pain and this is the only way he knows to escape that temporarily. But whatever the reason he does this, clearly you are not in the picture as far as he's concerned. This is the real problem...
honestly I think you should divorce because he does not want to work on the relationship and you are suffering from not getting your needs met. This marriage is a lose-lose situation for everyone involved and the prospect for a positive change seems unlikely.
you could suggest to him an "open" relationship whereby you're each allowed to see and have sex with other people, if it's purely the physical sex that you're in need of. However, open relationships usually require a lot of trust, which is something you don't have. Open relationships are usually not a good long-term solution to keep a dysfunctional marriage "together" by allowing the partners to get their needs outside the marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I have mentioned counselling, but he says no way! When we are speaking we do get on well, but as the weeks go by and there is no physical contact in bed it starts to get to me. its like living with a mate. deep down i know he has hidden issues, this is not a normal marriage. if we had a break from each other i think this would suit him as he wouldnt be under any pressure and would be able to look at porn without any hassel and go out at weekends and do what he wants.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 May 2011):
 I think there is a lot more going on that what you are asking in your question -- and I do think you already know the answer.
If your husband appears not to want to be married and is dabbling in gay porn, it probably sounds like he may be bi-sexual at best, gay at worst. This doesn't bode well for your marriage.
It sounds like there is something that is causing a barrier between the two of you. Do you argue a lot? Do you both keep in shape? Do you have common things that you like to do together? Is he under a lot of stress?
These are questions that I think you need to begin to ask yourself and if the answer is no, you'll need to work together to build a closer bond.
You may want to enlist a counselor to help sort out your issues. However, I want you to work on listening more instead of talking more. Ask questions -- explain that you feel lonely and left out when he neglects you. Listen to his response when you tell him. Hear what he is saying and try to work to coming to an agreement together on how to resolve issues.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 May 2011):
 I agree some counselling might be the answer for you both. It may be just mid-marriage boredom. This could be fixed. Don't give up yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): Try to talk to him about getting a professional from a marriage consultant or something, if it doesn't work out I think by then you should ask for a break... maybe you can crush at your parents' or at a friend's place for a while if he cares he will find out that he can't live without you otherwise it will be better for the two of you not to be together...I personally think he is gay...even if he was going out with girls that doesn't mean he is not it could mean that he is in denial...
Good luck hun...
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