A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Whenever My husband and I have a spat, in the end he threatens with divorce. I have told him that it is hurtful that he brings divorce up especially since I dont say things like that since I know that it would hurt him. Also, since I love him very much, I would dare to bring up divorce just to get my way. We had a spat recently, and there again he has threatened with divorce but this time there was more to what he said. He said that he wishes that he would just cheat on me so maybe that i would just divorce him. I totally took this to heart and am starting to wonder what's up with that. Im just confused especially, the day after he has apologized and said that he didnt mean it. I understand that there are times where someone says something that they dont mean since they were angry. I tried talking to him and finidng out what is the matter with him, yet, no answer from him. Am I missing some point?Im at the bridge of stopping to forgive him since I cant take it anymore. Can someone please explain to me what it means "wishes he cheated on me etc"Thx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, savvygirl +, writes (19 March 2010):
My husband and I have been married a little over five years (with no kids) and recently he has mentioned he plans to divorce me at some point in the future.
Granted I do love and care for him, this is how I handle responding to him and this is how you need to respond to his threat or whatever he elects to call it:
Simply tell him this...INTERESTING...THEN PAUSE.
Let him know that if he wants the Divorce
"HE WILL HAVE TO SEEK IT OUT."
"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE
(OTHER THAN PHYSCIAL ABUSE, NO OTHER REASON)."
I tell my husband make sure that he goes out and spends his money, his time and his energy to contact lawyers.
I will not be doing this I have "Other More Important Things to Focus on For Me."
I simply and blatantly state that I am not and will not be leaving the marriage without a judge (In Court)telling me we are divorced, so his words are words until a judge says so.
**Remember, no matter where you reside a judge, only
a judge can render you as "DIVORCED IN A COURT OF LAW."**
**Also he has to file for a divorce in the county court that you are married in (not where you got married, but where you live now)by law to start the proceedings.
**It has to follow this proceeding legally in the county.**
**It doesn't matter if he feels he is not married:
HE/YOU ARE MARRIED UNTIL A JUDGE DECLARES "OTHERWISE."**
He has often stated that perhaps I should leave the home.
Here is how I handle this and how you should as well:
I also tell him regarding leaving the home...
I AM NOT LEAVING THE HOME...I AM STAYING...STAYING,PERIOD. I will not leave the home without a court order.
He cannot make you leave, period, only a court order can.
**It makes no difference if you are on the mortgage or the title to the home (it does not matter if it is in both of your names, yours or his alone) the court considers it "MARITAL PROPERTY AND IT WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH."
"YOU CANNOT BE ASKED TO LEAVE OR FORCED TO WITHOUT A COURT ORDER THAT STATES THAT YOU HAVE TO, IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION, CONSULT A LAWYER, I KNOW ABOUT THE LAW AND I AM EDUCATING YOU AT NO CHARGE HERE.
I tell him I am here to stay, so learn to "DEAL WITH IT."
I have also gone so far as to tell him that even though I do still love him, he is free to "HAVE AFFAIRS."
Affairs will not, I repeat will not,get me to leave.
See how he responds to that.
Do not ever let him threaten or intimidate you, period.
You have nothing, I mean nothing, to fear ever in life.
You hold more power than you think in this situation.
Start to "EXERCISE IT."
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (21 March 2008):
When he threatens to divorce you do you give in and let him get his way? If so, then you need to stop that, if not leave him altogether!
He is trying to control you and is using scare tactics to do this. Hes emotionally abusing you. This isnt right. I dont care how angry he is, it never means it is ok to threaten someone else to get your own way. He is treating you badly and you deserve a lot more. If you want to work things out with him, you need to not let him control you with his threats. If he still continues to try after a while and treats you badly other ways as well I would suggest you leave him.
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A
female
reader, mskate  +, writes (21 March 2008):
i agree! he is probably using divorce to get his way. he knows if he says that, you will be scared and back down.
listen, he's not going to stop on his own. you have to shock him.
next time you have a row... before he repeats the divorce speech.. you can bring it up first and shut him up.
"go ahead, give me your famous divorce speech."
he will definitely be surprised and either not say it, or get defensive (from embarrassment).
don't react to his defensiveness. just act unbothered.
when he's done. say, "is that it? we know your speech by heart already. it's getting old. unless you want to pack up your stuff now, let's never talk about it ever again."
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 March 2008):
 There is something going on in his mind and he is feeling resentful or regretful of being married. He needs to open up and be honest with you about what is going on with him. The other thing it could be is his learned way of fighting. Do you know how his parents got along? Are they divorced? A healthy marriage will have fights along the way and when they happen you both need to feel that you can resolve your conflicts without the threat of "divorce".
For someone to say to you, I should just cheat on you and then you'll leave me, is the next step in this escallation of his feelings of being trapped in a marriage but he doesn't want to hurt you. He needs to come clean.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Easy way to stop this - next time he threatens divorce - accept it. Don't argue. Just look resigned - don't argue anymore.
If he says he wants to have an affair - accept what he says. Just say OK - but I won't be around when you do.
You can't keep being threatened like this for the rest of your life. You'll end up a nervous wreck. He's the one threatening extremes - accept his decision - don't argue once he's threatened. Just walk away and start getting on with your life - whilst he (supposedly is off to see solicitor or mistress).
If he comes back and tries to talk to you - ask him if the divorce is on or off as you neeed to know what's happening.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This mans is an emotional bully. He knows you love him and he is using this to frighten you. This needs to be cut out. Next time he threaten divorce just say 'if thats what you really want', ask him to get the wheels rolling on it. If he really cares for you he will back off, if not you will be well rid.
Good luck
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