A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out that my husband has been on sex webcams and been getting erotic massages and spent over $200 in 8 days. I confronted him and to my supprise he did not deny it or blame me and agreed to go to counseling. Well I made the appointment and now he is furious, he is back to blaming me for our problems and I am scared he will not show up tomorrow. I want to be strong but it is so hard when you love someone so much. anyone have any advice on how to stay strong even though my world is about to come crashing down on me? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): Please don't cancel the appointment. You only encourage his behavior by doing that. Really you do. You show him that you aren't serious about your own feelings...
Frankly, I don't believe you when you say "one more slip up you're gone." He will slip up again and you'll find another excuse to forgive him. You're taking the easy way out. He's not a child, but you are indulging his tantrums as if her were a 5 year old. Go to this appointment for yourself if nothing else.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (22 February 2011):
You are worried about something that has not yet come to pass. The appointment is tomorrow. Let him show up, or not show up, and deal with it then.
You also say your world is about to come crashing down. It sounds like it might be time to bring your world crashing down of your own choice, if it isn't working the way you want it to, and rebuild it with your husband's help. You can help your husband rebuild his world so that you can both have the relationship you want, rather than what you have now, which might be great in part, but that has serious problems with it too. Counselling is a great way to do this.
It might take your husband some time to come round, to be ready to do what he needs to do to make your relationship work better. Give him whatever time you feel is right, but know that if he doesn't want to change things, and you want more or better, you might have to do it on your own. That is partly up to you, and partly up to him.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): Show up to the appointment for your own sake. And perhaps make your husband's absence one of the topics of conversation. I'm sure the therapist could give you better advice...he/she has probably dealt with no-shows before.
I think going, even alone, will show your husband that you're serious about it. I doubt he would like the idea of you presenting only your side of the conflict and getting advice about a relationship with him without his in put. Go and if he's curious about what happened to the session, invite him to go the next time.
If he refuses to go to marriage counseling, he's not worth staying married to. You'll probably need the support from counseling anyway if you decide to seperate.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): I am cancling the session, he always says he did not want to be like his father, old alone and bitter, I told him keep doing things to push the people that love you away and that is exactly what you will turn into. I am not going to waste anymore of my time on his actions, I am going to get my stuff in order and one more slip up from him and me and my kids are gone.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I'm sorry to hear that your husband has backed out of his promise to attend marriage counseling. Even if he doesn't go, you need to show up. You will benefit from the guidance and advice that a professional counselor can offer. Please let us know what happens. Stay positive!
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A
female
reader, TrustInYou +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Dear Mistreated by the Mr,
Stay calm. Now, it seems that he doesn't want to work things out. How long have you been married? Did you notice anything strange during those first years/months? If he doesn't show up, that give you guidance on what you will need to do.
~Love the only,
TrustInYou
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 You can solve this yourself. You made him look like he has a psychological problem or a sex addiction when in fact he's too scared to ask for what he needs from you. Tell him how hurt you are that he didn't consider you to fulfill his intimacy needs. If that happens again then he will definitely lose you. He has to make amends and like get you two on a vacation to Italy or Greece. When you show him you are vulnerable it will make him want to be a hero to protect your feelings, instead of rebelling against his mama.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): He says that he is done but he said that once before when I caught him on facebook talking like this to ex girlfriends. I didn't believe him then and it looks like i was right not to.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Am afraid sweetie he needs to be willing to work on things as well. If he is not willing to work it out then you cannot do it all on your own. He obviously panicked when you set the appointment and now feels ashamed and embarressed and doesnt want to go therefore he is trying to blame you for his mistakes. Which is wrong. You need to sit down with him and tell him straight out that it was his own fault for doing what he done and he needs to take responsibility for what he has done. Explain to him that it is professionals you are going to and it will all be in confidence. Also mention to him that if he doesnt show that he wants the marriage to work, then it will fail and he will lose you. Goodluck Sweetie.
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