A
female
age
41-50,
*razybeyatch
writes:Quick question, If your in a relationship with someone and there happens to be a problem that is effecting your life that the other person is causing. Is it wrong to try to talk it over to resolve the problem with the other person or should it just all be left unsaid due to every time you say anything negative that the other person is doing they just get upset and begin to yell at you. You love the other person with all your heart and you want to make things better but don't know how to go about doing it anymore. Please send me some suggestions on how to go about my problem. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 November 2015):
 It is certainly true that different people seek to resolve problems in different ways.
I think one topic at a time is a good strategy, with nothing but that topic on the table.
Sure it takes discipline but it focuses on one issue only, without the complication of unrelated past hurts or unrelated issues dressed up as something that needs fixing (eg ''you always say that...'' and ''you never do......'' and ''I'm only trying to help you'') which are likely to escalate the drama.
Instead, using the one issue only at a time model, it is best to be assertive and respectful in the way you raise the issue, using an assertive style, such as:
When you ...... (their action)............, it makes me feel...............(your reaction to their action) ...............and in future I would prefer.................(the alternative outcome you would prefer)
If the person respects you they will respect your request.
If they choose to not respect your request then there is a problem to explore more.
Here is an example of Assertive speak:
''When you interrupt me and respond to my remarks with abusive words and deride my suggestions with a sharply delivered single word such as ''rubbish'' then I feel that you are not respecting my right to be heard and that you are showing me disrespect. Accordingly in the future when we discuss things I would prefer that you not interrupt me while I am speaking. That you actively listen to me and hear out my viewpoint and that you not reject my comments without some discussion first. And that will speak to me without raising your voice and without using abusive words directed at me.
If you are not willing to respect this request then I believe your continuing belittling of my viewpoint will negatively impact on out relationship in the future.''
If I was with a partner who did not want to rationally discuss the issue then I think it would be a problem for me.
One of my philosophies is that there is never just one solution to a problem. It is not a contest of ''my solution is better than your solution.''
It is not failure if my solution ends up discarded.
Life is not a game where one side only wins and the other side loses.
I enjoy an honest open discussion
Compromise and adapting to circumstances and being open and inclusive enough to consider several approaches or options or possibilities can result in much better outcomes.
Thank goodness my guy enjoys talking even more than I.
We go to work together (though fortunately not to the same work place) so we use the time every morning and evening to have time to discuss many things.
As we are travelling along the option of storming out the room (car) is not an option. Our discussions are never that volatile anyway.
It's fine if we disagree over something as long as we openly discuss the issues and arrive at a solution we are both comfortable with.
We call it ''fighting clean'' and sulking is not an option we admire.
We know we are lucky that we get on so well, but I think the key is our willingness to discuss things in ways that value each other and where we are open to considering each other's views.
Of course there are times in traffic when he cannot talk, he needs to concentrate.
He's a good driver and notices and anticipates the cars ahead, though I know to let him concentrate at certain points if the traffic is difficult.
The rest of the time we talk, review and consult and explore many topics together every day.
There are times when I like it when he meets a red light, means I have his company for a little longer before we depart for the day :)
If a couple ''fight dirty'' and bring up all manner of past hurts and past actions unrelated to topic Xyz on the day then any discussion is likely to fall off the rails.
If you are discussing topic ABC then don't introduce past hurts, past actions, past resentments (''why do you always ....'' into topic abc that are truly unrelated to topic ABC as the original reason for the discussion will be lost and instead it will generate so many more problems
My good wishes for you in the future.
A
female
reader, crazybeyatch +, writes (11 October 2015):
crazybeyatch is verified as being by the original poster of the question The way he works things with problems is... He thinks it over in his head & lets time try to make things better, hoping that it works. My way of handling a problem since I was a little child was to always talk over your problems with the person causing them so you can resolve it right then & there. Ive already tried to have a sit down chat with him a couple days ago saying "how do you expect to have any problems get any better if all you do is over look them? All that does is drag on the whole problem & most times makes things worse." He said the main problem on why he gets upset & yells at me is because I bring up things that hes doing wrong. I laugh a little & say I will bring up things that your doing wrong to hopefully open your eyes on things & allow you to change them to make the wall that you have built up between us to finally come down & we can become the fun loving happy couple we used to be. I know im doing everything that I should be doing in a relationship. I do everything I possibly can to make him happy. But in turn, he doesn't seem to put forth much energy or attempt on trying to make me that happy anymore. Why has he changed so much over the years for the worse but then he puts the blame on me for everything going to hell??? It makes absolutely no sense to me anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): When we leave things 'unsaid' the problem grows bigger and your resentment will also manifest and come out at every opportunity. Always speak up or have somebody else do it for you, it's healthy to express troubles.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 September 2015):
 It's not wrong to want to talk about it but it may be the approach that's the issue.
If you try to talk about it and the person won't talk about it, then you have no choice but to extract yourself from the situation.
can you give us more information?
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