A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone! I just have one question. How can I move on?I'm in love with an amazing man - smart, funny, charming, sexy, everything I've ever dreampt of. We'll call him J. We're great friends, and he's told me how much that means to him as well as that he really cares about me. He's also told me before that he does like me - seems like there wouldn't be a problem right?Well, the thing is that he has a girlfriend. It has been an on/off relationship for over six years now, and he proposed to her several times, with her constantly turning him down. At one point, she broke it off and there was word of her getting married to someone else! According to J, her mother or someone close in her family died though, and that put enough strain on the other girl to call off that marriage. J was absolutely heartbroken and depressed for over six months, but he was finally able to pull himself together and decided to move away from home to get his Ph.D. Before he left though, Miss Old Flame showed up again, and cooed him (in my opinion) to get back together.So J comes to my university, by odd chance we meet up and go together 'like peas and carrots' as they say. But he's a gentleman and a loyal person and won't do anything to hurt the woman he loves - not that I would want him to or pressure him to do so. It's one of the many things I love about him. LDRs have a hard time holding up, so I figured it was a matter of time anyway.Not so - J proposed to her again, and she finally agreed. It was like the fourth time he had asked her - seems to me like someone just settling because they didn't get what they really wanted in the past, a backup plan if you will. Now he's really gone from my grasp, but I just don't know how to get over it.J doesn't seem to care - even though he knows - how badly she treated him in the past and how she doesn't really accept his values and his opinions. When he tells me what he thinks of some situations, I say (honestly) that how he feels is fine; she says he's mentally sick and needs to see a therapist - sure enough he goes to see a therapist.Point of all this rambling/fussing is that I KNOW he's gone. I know I can't have J and that he may care about me but doesn't want to be with me and blah blah. What I'm asking is how can I get over it? Soon enough the other girl is going to move here to be with him, and I just don't know what I'll do. I don't want to give up my friendship - I will say now that I'll just suffer and deal and let time heal itself over the years than cut it off now. Not saying this in a childish way - I only say this because I rather have his friendship than nothing at all, and J feels the same way.Is there any other way - an actual process I can try - to get over having no chance with the most amazing man I've ever met? (Other than the "don't worry you'll meet someone more amazing later" line)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Duckyhelp  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 Problem with not wanting to cut contact is that having them in your life and wanting them and them showing care towards you will always keep you there and not set you free from your feelings of want towards him.I suggest, not to cut the cords completely as you wont do this, but to not be in contact as much and when talking to each other not to talk about feelings or caring for each other as now you must think of the other woman in his life and you dont just want to be the other woman. If you slacken the friendship a bit you will see the benefits of not being tied to him as you go out with friends more often you will create better bonds with them.Treat yourself, you deserve it after all the heartache you must have been through. Think what makes you happy and doesn't involve him and then put your heart into it because you need something to get your mind off him and the situation.
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