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How to get my wife to tell me the real truth about an affair?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2008)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Are there any special words that I can tell my woman to get the truth out of her? Possibly, something that I can say that will touch her in a way(emotionally) that she will finaly come clean? I have a strong sense that my wife has had sex. I found out that she was interested in another man. She admits that she was lured by his outgoing pesonality at work. She also admits to a wet sloppy kiss with him. She told me that she didn't want the kiss to end! That hurt!!! It's so hard to tell if she is being honest about sex. We have so much together, like 10 years and 2 beautiful children. The man that she was with is now engaged to a woman that he was with for 3 years and they recently moved because he is in the military. I told the man that if he didn't tell me what happened between them I would tell his girlfriend that he was cheating on her. That didn't work because he still wouldn't say anything.

When I ask my wife "did you have sex with him" she will reply with "no I did not have sex with him". Her face will change slightly and eyes will sometimes roll up in the air. She always looks pissed that I am asking. Sometimes she will have a forced sarcastic looking smile followed by a yawn. What the heck does that mean? I am tired of that look and that yawn. Is she smiling because it makes her feel good to know that I am into her buiseness? It almost seems like she is this different person when answering to this subject. Sometimes we will be talking about this crap and I will intentionally change the subject to see how she reacts. She always goes with the change and never brings the cheating subject back up.

Could that be because she is tired of talking about it like she says or because she had sex and hates thinking about it? That is one reason why I have a strong sense that she did more. The other reason is because she had purple bruises on her neck area that I didn't put there. She said that she didn't know how they got there but it was most likely from a braw that was to tight or something she lifted at work. What can I say to find out?

Is there anything that may get the truth out of her? Has anyone ever seen a person roll there eyes,force a smile with sarcasm and then yawn. What the heck is she always yawning for? She claims that it's because she is tired. Sounds like a load of BS to me. Any opinions?

View related questions: affair, at work, engaged, military

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008):

look mate - she had sex with him. does that make u feel better. I could say put her on a polygragh (some people can beat a polygragh) truth serum (doesn't always work) see if her eyes shift to your left (neurolinguistic programming) when she answers you or torture (illegal and doesn't always work) u'll never know unless she volunteers it (and if she volunteers it the only thing u'll believe is 'yes we had sex'). So why TORTURE yourself. give it up. I am sorry to say this to you but it's for your own good.

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A female reader, pashanoodle Australia +, writes (9 November 2008):

pashanoodle agony auntI know wanting details is probably driving you crazy right now - but my suggestion to you is to think beyond what may or may not have happened between this guy and your wife. The only 'fact' that you need to consider is that for some reason your wife felt an attraction to another man and on some level acted upon it - even if it was only emotionlly.

This is what you need to concentrate on and deal with.

This is a very clear red flag that something is wrong within your relationship - something is going on for your wife (which may have nothing to do with you)and if you guys are to move forward from this you must both work to identify the issue and then deal with it - if your wife doesn't examine the why's and how's there is no guarantee she won't make futher mistakes.

I believe seeing a therapist together would be helpful - naturally you are both having extreme reactions during any discussion about this situation - which is probably getting in the way of making any progress, so a non biased 'mediator' could be very helpful.

I hope you can sort this out and get things back on track with your wife. Good luck.

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A male reader, Austinalive United States +, writes (8 November 2008):

Pressure won't get you answers, but her conscious will. Patience is the key and your cold emotions are needed. You should act like normal, even better, eventually she might feel guilty, overall if you use some seemingly unconcious prhases like "i trust you" and those.

If it doesn't get you that "true" you're waiting, maybe there isn't a true. On the other hand, changing yourself and being better coul improve marriage.

good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008):

Short of shooting her with truth serum and torturing her... no.

If she doesn't want to tell you the truth then she won't.

Then again... perhaps she is telling the truth. And all they shared was a bond and a kiss.

I'm not saying what she did was right, or even nice. The last thing you tell to a partner is how deeply you felt a bond for another man... I mean, that's just logic.

Look... she hurt you. Just try and get her understand just how much she did by her conduct.

She seems to be trying to move past these events without ever actually facing up to and dealing with the full consequences. Whereas you still haven't received an adequate response to satiate you emotional need to understand.

My advice is to forgive her, whatever her faults, on the condition that it NEVER, even slightly happens again. I mean no kisses on the lips, minimal flirting with other guys.

Flynn 24

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008):

Hi there,

At this stage it could be really difficult to tell..lets look at the opposite stats, how many men admit to having an affair when they have cheated on their wifes? Exactly

I don't wish to break your happy home, however there are enough clues to suggest that she may have slept with this man. You talking to her about it, she is not going to admit this, but to make herself seem trustworthy she stated that they kissed so that you don't think anything more of the situation. She does have some feelings for you and wants to maintain your relationship that is why she will not discuss it as she doesn't want to loose you. If there are trust issues that are coming between you now it maybe difficult to make this relationship work. Question yourself, do you want to be a fool in the situation, only you can decide if you wish for this relationship to continue.

Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008):

I think she had sex because my stupid husband does the same thing when he is out all night what a jerk!!!!!

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