A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey folks!I feel a little helpless about what's going on between me and my girl. So here's the story in short.My relationship with that girl is rather young and a "little" complicated. At first I have to say that it's actually an internet based relationship, since she's from another country. Anyways I had never the intention to have a relationship like that, but it happened anyway. She's six years younger than me. So I have some advantage in life experience. While only speaking and chatting in the first three months we got really close in our minds and she said that she was about to fall in love with me, though we never met in person.After these three months (3 weeks ago) I went to meet her. Yet everything between us seemed to be perfect.Since it was difficult to get to her hometown we met in the capital city and took a room in a hostel. Neutral territory so to say. But because of our schedules (we both study) we could only spend one day and a night together. Time was really short, not to say, too short and both of us were quite tired because of the travel. To see her for the first time in person was great for me. She took me hand immediatly wherever we went. But she also said that to see me feels strange somehow. No wonder after all the things (thoughts) we shared with each other before. But we got along with each other very well anyway.But then I started to wonder about some details in her behaviour towards me. Inspite of everything she told me before she actually never kissed me intentionally. It was always I how initiated a kiss. And somehow she acted a bit cold towards me. She's complicated, at least that's what she told me. After seeing the city and returning to our hostel she immediatly wanted to sleep. She had no desire for any affection somehow. That's the way she is. She's a stubborn one and also a little selfish sometimes. It was the same next morning when I kissed her awake. Well, she let it happen to a cretain point but was passive, so we didn't have any sexual sensation at all.It's okay for me. I know she needs her time and I will give her as much she needs.After the meeting her behaviour towards me became even colder. I treated her the same way I did before our meeting, but her response to it was different like she simply ignored it.I decided not to pressure her and stopped acting like that. Since we used to discuss and talk about everything we spoke about it. But I get the feeling that it was not a really good idea. So she told me that although she has still the same opinion about me she doesn't have any feeling towards me. That's okay so far. I don't expect her to confess to me after meeting her for a single day.And so we decided to wait for the next meeting. It will be in September. This time in my country since she's going to work here as an Au Pair.Well right now our relationship is like an up and down. One day she's kind and in good mood. The other day she does'nt have time for me while meeting friends. Sometimes she doesn't answer when I try to call her. Yesterday she told me that she's is open to have a serious relationship. She put it in a general way, so she didn't say it like "I'm open to have a serious relationship with you". And that confused me quite a bit. I won't give in too much thinking anyway and try not to worry after feeling down.I really want to be with her. I really think I love her. I know I must wait for her until September and hope that everything will go well with us so far. But sometimes I feel mistreated by her, because her cold and sometimes ignorant attitude.I hope that she will stay together with me, but sometimes I'm unsure about it, for a moment. Right now I don't know what to do to get her closer to me. It all would be easier if it weren't for the distance. Waiting is such a pain right now.So after you have read everything I wrote please give me an opinion and/or advice. If you have any further questions don't hesitate to ask. I tried to be as short and precise as I could but, some details I left behind the curtain.Thanks a lot in advance.
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female
reader, Vickett0410  +, writes (28 June 2009):
 anytime :) i'm glad to have helped. Well if i'm honest. I don't think it's fair for her to not know, because you may be getting your hopes up and end up getting hurt :\ and that's not fair. But that's just the pessimistic way to look at it so:) I hope it works out for the best. But before you can "get closer" to her you need to actually know how she feels first :\ good luck xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn this point of course you are right. I need to convince her that I deserve to be treated in a better way by her.
Well, I already spoke with her about why she's acting in such a cold attitude towards me.
She says that she's complicated.
Means she's not sure about her own feelings yet.
So when beeing unsure there's no point to ask her about where she wants our relationship to go to.
At the moment I would get the same answer: 'I don't know'
I will give her a little more time until I do that.
But there's no way around it in the end.
Another thing is my confusion about when she told me she would be open for a serious relationship now.
I know it's a kind of hint. She probably had a talk with someone or she experienced something on that day.
Girls ;) always talking through the backdoor.
Your advice was helpful to me so far I can refer again to that expression of hers. It would have been a good counter to what she said then. I think I can make use of that.
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A
female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (27 June 2009):
I think you just need to actually ask her outright, cause yes she does have ther stresses but she shouldnt be mistreating you because of it :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer!
The difference in age is not a problem for anyone of us.
Well yes, she is a shy person actually. So approaching me is difficult for her, somehow.
But we have already met like I said, so showing herself is not the problem. Actually not seeing each other makes it difficult to get closer, not to say impossible. So I have to be patient until I meet her again.
So far, her not answering my phone calls does not happen regularly. Last time, for example she wrote me a text message, that she was in classes and went to sleep a bit afterwards.
The reason why she seeks company by friends is that she is simply fed up to sit home all day long and to learn for her exams. She has finished her degree dissertaion recently. Now she has to absolve some additional exams.
She is bored of her hometown and lacks entertainment.
There is nothing interesting for her to do.
So to me it seems comprehensible that she's moody.
Right now her life is in a difficult stage, so don't want to bother her at all about her feelings towards me just now.
I don't think she could handle that at the moment, and so I let her concentrate on her exams and try not to distract her with something else.
She is in a really moody phase these days and lacks motivation for learning.
She's learning my country's language and that's the topic of her next exam, so I try to support her.
This morning I was able to make her learn for it, but it was difficult for her and she was really frustrated and angry about it.
So she went off to a cafe with one of her friends.
But yes, I also think sometimes she could be using me as a "safety net" as long there's no boy for her in her own town. But it's not good to assume that until I have a serious reason to think that way.
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A
female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (27 June 2009):
Maybe she's scared to commit? Because you are 6 years older than her and have dated before presumabely. Because 2O is still very young. But she shouldn't really be treating you like that. She's almost treating you as a safety net. She shouldn't refuse to answer your calls if she's in a bad mood. That's not nice for anybody feelings or not. I think you should ask her outright where she wants yours and her relationship to go.
Although, I have a problem where i'm very very shy on meeting someone. It usualy takes me about 3 months of knowing and being around a person for me to feel comftable enough to show "myself". Maybe she has this problem?
But it does sound alot like you like her more than she likes you. hope i helped you x
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