A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. So here is my problem- I was with a guy for years, I did love him. He gave me a lot of issues in the start because he was a very social person, especially with girls. He used to go out of his way to comment on each and every pic of girls, appreciate their beauty and was talking to so so so many...and lied and made stories around them. He made me so miserable I had to keep a count of how many girls are there!! Later I found out a couple of them were involved with him in the past, he confessed it after months of fights. You can't imagine the amount of stress I went through. Obviously now I don't trust they were in the past, I have confronted him a 100 times, he told me the same thing every time and even lost it once and screamed back at me saying he was immature when he used to chat around with people, he grew up like everyone does but it doesn't mean he was having sex with every female possible. I agree he did change with time and became such a good and dedicated boyfriend and matured into career focussed and responsible bf later. I never had to face these issues for a couple of years but I still struggle to accept they were in his past and he didn't mess around with any during start of this relationship. He was away for an year and he had female friends who would call him 'darling' or when he confessed he kissed a friend when we were apart for those few months, I can't help thinking he means sex though he assured me it isn't. How do I deal with these things? Now I feel insecure around girls and feel stressed to think about so many girls at his workplace. I have started loathing girls I guess or maybe I start comparing myself to every girl I see even though I am attractive and confident and never had such issues before. How can I deal with this? Even if I leave this guy (I don't want to), i will act the same in my future relationships? These issues have scarred me so bad.I did trust my bf later, he wasn't that dedicated in the start but with time, he matured and himself confessed to all that i know , i didn't have to snoop..but i have seperated from him as of now because I don't seem to get over these 4 yr old issues yet!! He will be joining a new workplace popular for attractive crowd and I can't feel happy for him, i feel insecure. I have seen a lot of cheating cases and extra marital affairs at my workplace and I never find a good example to feel assured it won't happen with me. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. I just want to make it clear am not controlling , i never care to snoop into his mails or messages and i never question his moves. He is free to live a life happily without constant nagging and fights. Like I said, I do trust him but if it helps, i will surely let him go and fix my own issues before getting into a relationship. I just shared how insecure I get sometimes bc of what all happened at start of this relationship. I was just being honest about the feeling i get sometimes. I wasn't insecure ever before all this happened. I myself ask him not to text me while being on night outs with friends without bothering to ask if those "friends" are with him or not. I know he won't cheat. But what happened in the past gave me a reason to have such thoughts. Maybe I need to mature like WiseOw suggested. Thanks!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): If you have trust issues, you are too emotionally-immature to have a successful committed-relationship.
You made a bad choice. You got hurt; then suddenly you're damaged for life. You have issues with jealousy. That is your primary problem. You worry about what may or may not be true, equally. You are a drama-queen. If you're not the center of his attention; you get upset, and feel torn apart by a loser of a boyfriend. People have survived far worse than what you describe in your post. You have too.
Time to fly solo and stay single.
That means no boyfriends. You need to be a single-lady for awhile. Put up a sign that you are now under reconstruction and repair. There will be no dating until further notice.
No updates on Facebook. Keep a low profile. Hangout with only your girlfriends. No more whining about what he did to you. Own responsibility for your own feelings.
Get a gay man as your stand-in boyfriend, if you must absolutely have male-companionship. Someone sensitive to your feelings and protective of you while you're vulnerable.
But then again, you have a jealous nature; and will probably feel betrayed, if he gets a new boyfriend first!
I'm not making fun of you, my dear. Only adding humor, because your condition is curable.
Avoidance from romantic involvement will allow your wounded psyche to heal. Give you room and time to become more independent. Self-reliant. Less needy.
You have too many emotional issues to attend to, and you demand and expect far too much from a man. What you expect is what you should already have. Confidence and a sense of security. You can't look for others to give you that. Try as you may, you will never find it; if you put it in the hands of other people to bring you happiness and security.
You are also possessive. You feel other women are out to take away what you have. You cling too tightly, and place the wrong kind of value on a boyfriend. He's like a piece of property or a possession. What's even worse, the guy you're so torn-up over, was untrustworthy nor that great of a boyfriend.
You're so worried and obsessed over fidelity, and if other girls are out to steal a man from you; you cannot foresee ever being happy or comfortable. Having a good relationship. It's human to feel that way after being burnt, but don't get carried away.
It seem that you feel if you lose a man, that devalues you in someway.
You are definitely not ready for having relationships with that attitude. You look to men to validate you, give you value, and purpose. You claim to be confident, but that isn't true. You wouldn't be so threatened by other women, if it was. Always placing yourself on the discount shelf.
No dating for you, young lady. You have a self-improvement project to begin. You need to be selfish, and focus on no one but yourself. Seek your own happiness and fulfillment.
Then share it with a man.
You need to challenge yourself. Discover your own potential.
Stop seeking relationships to compensate for your own deficiencies and weaknesses. In other words, don't get a man until you don't "need" one!
You must want to be with a man for "all the right reasons."
Love, companionship, fun, excitement, and sex. Eventually a commitment leading to marriage and a family. Where you both contribute equally to its maintenance and growth. Without the threat of insecurity and jealousy.
No one can give you happiness, there are no guarantees, you will never be the center of a man's universe; and he shouldn't be the center of yours. You should have your own identity, and run on your own power. With energy kept on reserve.
You have a very childish outlook toward relationships, and they will continuously fail; until you change what you expect from them. Change how you view yourself, and get your jealousy under control. The first step to dealing with insecurity, is to grow-up!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (4 July 2014):
You may be attractive, but confident you aren't.
I'm not at all sure why you'd want to stay in a relationship where there are multiple screaming fights, that's horrible and no way to live. And for the life of me,I can't understand why your boyfriend stays with a controlling, insecure woman who questions his every move. I'm shocked that he hasn't broken up with you, and honestly someday he is going to get with a girl who doesn't scream at him and act like his mommy.
I see no hope for this relationship. I think you need to break it off and work on yourself. There is no way you can have a healthy relationship in your current condition.
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