A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi ,I'm a single professional guy of age 40. I met a cute/beautiful woman ( she is about 37) at a food meetup about 3 weeks back ( it was a group setting) I was sitting diagonally across he and we chatted quite a bit.I was definitely interested in her and I could see there was chemistry from her side too. I got her number and texted her "It was nice to meet you" after the event.Then about 4 days later, I texted her , show she was doing and a invited her to a comedy event a week later. She politely declined because there was a huge snowstorm and driving was tough for her from the burbs ( but she said she would love come to the next event. We kept on texting and she would reply after 8-12 hrs or so. Then this past Saturday , I just asked her out for coffee and she readily agreed. We had a great coffee date and I paid for the coffee and the pastries. She also said she would like to return the favor next time. While parting she gave me a more than friendly hug. She was smiling ear to ear all the time ( never had a woman smile so much on a date ) -- we also had a good conversation about her career, food etc. Then I went to the public library and sent her a text and pic of some interesting event going on. Exchanged only a couple of texts. Since it has been about 3 days and I haven't contacted her.What is ideal length of time before I should contact her for a 2nd date or just text her , about how her week is going ?I don't want to come across as needy or pushy nor I want to look like as if I'm playing a game or acting according to a plan. I have always dated women with the serious intention of a long-term.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2018):
 Yes, I never think ghosting is OK. Even if it's someone you barely know, if you have been out on a couple of dates you know them "well" enough to back out politely.
"do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie
Thanks for helping me out. You are 100% right about not playing her game.
I thought of ghosting out if she replies back , but then it came coming back to me , that I don’t want to stoop to her level by doing what she is doing.
Yes, I would politely make an exit. Regarding being 3 years younger than me, I can explain in private message.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2018):
I would make the presumption that she isn't all that interested. 36+ hours before replying is (to me) low-key off-putting in my book. No one is that busy. Shoot, I even text people back I really don't want to talk to within a few hours. Not to be rude, mostly to formulate an answer. Unless they text after 10-11 PM - then I don't text back until morning.
You are both "old" enough to NOT need to play games at this stage. So no, I would't wait 3 days before answering. I don't know what the average women on the dating scene does, but no one I know play those mind-fu@k games. I have seen people take a LONG time to reply when they are not that interested and want to be polite, they make the presumption that if they WAIT a LONG time the other person will READ their mind and know they aren't into it. You sent her the text in the AM - so you KNOW she probably read it and had ALL day to answer.
I would move on. Try another group date and meet more people. I wouldn't text her anything further UNLESS she actually answers. If/When she DOES text her back I would let her know that it was nice meeting her but you don't think it's going to go anywhere due to the lack of communication outside of dates.
And I don't see how you are "compromising" in dating someone 3 years younger than you... but hey, your choice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll, here is an update on my situation:
On Sunday we had our 2nd date, which I felt went well: After the date kissed her and then texted her : "I hope you reached home, thank you for coming out tonight and for the dinner "
She texted back , saying she reached home and thanked me for everything with a smiley.
Monday night, ( after about 22 hrs, 8.30 pm ) : I sent her a text saying i explored the bookstore a bit which we saw while going for dinner and asked her about her massage appointment ( which she told me during our date )
Her reply ( Tuesday , 9.50 pm ) : Massage was pretty good and then she asked "How did you like the bookstore"
I replied ( Wednesday , 8.30 am ): Its a cute little bookstore and asked her if she would like to explore it together. Also asked her howz her work going.
I'm sorry for all the details, but there is no reply from her since the last 36 hrs or so. I have read some women do this to men, some of the reasons are :
1) Women's shit test or compliance test
2) Playing hard to get
3) They want to weed out clingy or needy guys.
4) Radio silence -- some kind of shit test
5) She doesn't want to continue further
So far my strategy will be , if she replies back, I would ghost away at least for 3-4 days.
To be honest, emotionally I feel distant if somebody doesn't reply back. Its not that I'm in love with her or have a strong attraction, its just that I thought , she was nice and smiling and good looking ( very normal things) In fact if I go for her as a long term partner, I'm compromising big time on the age criteria. But sometimes you got to compromise when you hit late 30s or early 40s , if the other person is good at heart.
So whats your take on her not replying to my text messages and what should be my strategy ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 February 2018):
I think a kiss on the lips should come NATURALLY or "ORGANICALLY" not with a plan or agenda.
I don't think a girl who gives a cheek is automatically a "gold digger" or whatever - she might just WANT to go slow, she MIGHT be uncomfortable and she MIGHT have been caught of-guard.
So I'd hold off on "kissy lips" until it FEELS right.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all your responses She did text me back on Wednesday and texted back and forth a little more frequently. Finally made plans to go on a 2nd date at a comedy club on Sunday ( i took care of the tickets , parking and the food at the club) and then I guess we still wanted to hang out, because we did get a chance to talk. We went for dinner afterwards and she insisted on paying. Also while going for the comedy thing, she parked at my place and came inside my house. Just showed her around the living room area. Got to know that her spending habits are little bit similar to mine. She asked me questions and it all went fine.While she was leaving ( she had parked her car at my place) , I went for the kiss on her cheek and she wasn't shy about it and was smiling afterwards. One of my close friends says the way to check real interest from a woman is to go for the kiss on the lips. If a woman feels not that into you , she would give you a cheek , then you go to proceed with caution. But if she is into the lip-kiss, then it means she likes you as much you like her. For him, this is very crucial test to proceed onto the third date and weed out potential gold-diggers ( women who want a free lunch/dinner ) So what do you guys think, is a kiss on the lips that important on the 2nd or 3rd date ? Its not that I don't feel romantically or sexual for a girl whom I like, but somehow I want her to take a little initiative like trying to cuddle or touching me. How to make that happen ? Also do you not text at all between dates ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 February 2018):
I think it VERY hard to distinguish between someone being VERY polite and friendly versus someone who is interested.
Especially in our age group. Because WE (most of us) have learned manners and as women were RAISED to not be rude.
I know people who smile and/or laugh a lot in VERY awkward situations. so again I don't think you can interpret the smiling as pure interest.
You don't know her or her little idiosyncrasies.
I would, like some of the aunt suggested PLAN a date with the INFO you got during that little coffee date with something she mentioned as an interest in mind. It shows you paid attention and that YOU are interested.
And IF she is KEEN on getting to know you better - SHE will be more proactive and not just wait for YOU to contact her. I know in the beginning it's often a bit awkward in who should contact whom and how fast or often etc.
But for me, personally, IF someone took 12 hours to respond I would be inclined to think they may NOT be as interested as I would have hoped.
So if she doesn't respond with this suggestion to do something together, I might just leave her be and try again with someone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): I would try to get together once a week or more. That shows you are serious about her and don’t want the relationship to taper off and be lost in the works.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 She's doing one of two things.
She's playing hard to get, to see how truly keen you are, OR she's just not that interested in you, as you are in her.
She can be busy, but no matter how busy, a woman who is very keen on a guy, will do everything in her power to see him again and the sooner, the better.
There are men/women who lack a bit of confidence, whereby dates/relationships are concerned and they will sit back and wait for a response, but if it's to work, somebody must take the initiative.
From what you say, you both enjoyed your first date, so if you felt a positive vibe/connection from her too, then it's now time for you to make your next move and stop procrastinating.
Just text her and ask her out, but this time, you organise something that you know would interest her.
If she is very interested in you, she should get back to you as soon as possible.
Women who really like a man and can see a true connection will not waste their time procrastinating.
The only time a woman will really take her time, is if she's not too sure about the guy and there could be various reasons for this.
If you're both well suited, your 2nd date together should highlight this to some degree.
Just go for it and see where it takes you.
All the best and let us know how you go.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 February 2018):
ALWAYS act as if you have an equal or better offer somewhere else.
A woman wants a man who has a lot of options. Be that man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie : She did mention during the date, that she would like to pay next time because she didn't have small money for the tip ( initially she wanted to pay for the tip and I agreed and then she didn't have small money and then I told her "Don't worry , I'll take care of it ). This also indicated to me that she would like to get together next time. Actually while talking about a subject she was kinda neutral or serious but otherwise she was smiliing so much while looking at me, I was thinking what is happening and why is she so happy. But I do agree that she should also contact me. @YouWish: I texted her today in the afternoon ( its been 3 days ) and also thought of a place to take her -- a comedy show which she might like. @liddel: She sometimes has to work 12hr shifts in her job , that could explain it, whereas I have a normal corporate job. I texted her " How her week is coming along" and no reply from her side. Anyhow I'm going to wait and update your guys. Thanks all for your responses !!
...............................
A
male
reader, liddel +, writes (21 February 2018):
She may be a very busy woman which might explain why it took her several hours to text you back. Respect that and maybe even mention that you know she is busy.
Boom, just text her again and tell her how much you enjoyed the last get together and ask if she is interested in getting together again. You've waited more than enough time to not be pushy and she can say yes or now.
I do not agree that the best time to ask her out again is at the end of a successful date. You are putting her in an uncomfortable position if she sees no future in it and you would be uncomfortable too.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2018):
 Honeypie is correct. You're playing it TOO cool. You should have a 48 hour turnaround. Waiting 4 days? Waiting 3 days? You're trying to see if SHE will text you. If you like her, you shouldn't do that!
Make a date with her. Coffee isn't a full date! It's one of those things friends do, so you should try something better than that.
Think about something you learned about her, and ask her out to do something you know has her interested. If she likes art, go to an art gallery. If she likes movies? Music? A specific genre? Invite her on a REAL date to something that shows you were paying attention to what she was saying to you!
Put some effort into this! You're being too passive! You've got a lot to offer, so don't leave it to some less-timid guy to snap her up!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2018):
Don't do the "wait 3 days".
If the contact isn't flowing well, maybe this is not quite the one for you.
The idea time to ask for a second date? I think is at the END of a SUCCESSFUL first date. IMHO.
So you can ask her out any time now. But I'd also expect her to pick up and be the one to contact you, rather than YOU always being the one to initiate.
Smiling a lot doesn't always mean interest. Can mean it was a subject she enjoyed talking about. OR that she was glad someone wanted to hear about it.
So just go slow. If she takes VERY long to answer I'd presume she isn't as keen as you are.
...............................
|
