A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Context: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. It's been tough with his family. I got along with one of his sisters and at one point considered her a friend. The other sister, I've never gotten along with but kept things cordial. His family talks a lot of crap so I've retracted quite a bit to avoid it. They are externally very warm and welcoming but I have my hesitations because of the behaviors I've observed thus far. That said, I'm focusing on my relationship with my SO, he's amazing. Problem:My boyfriend's sister (aka friend) asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I was hesitant about considering I was applying to some accelerated education programs and didn't know that I could commit to being a bridesmaid. I voiced my concern to her about the schedule and events I could attend, to which she said she understood. Since then, a few events have occurred that made me feel like it's not right for me to be part of this event. Here's the most recent: This sister had a "talk" with me. She started the conversation and got really defensive really fast. She basically told me that she asked me to be in her wedding party because I'm her "brother's partner". She brought up a bunch of events that happened in the past with her sister and how she feels like I'm being stubborn for not working on that relationship and that her sister comes first. She also said that because of events that happened in the past, she's giving me the "option" to step back from the role in her wedding. To explain: I have been making a conscious effort to avoid any negative interactions with her sister. I have made efforts to talk to her sister at events and recently sent her a Happy Birthday text. I feel like these claims were unjust. I told her during this conversation that I have a hard time knowing where I stand with her family and took it as a clear sign that I'm not a part of it when she blatantly said I'm her brother's partner, no mention of the word friend. And by giving me an option, in combination with her attitude, tone, etc, I assumed that option was clear: she didn't want me to be part of the wedding. Her tone was absolutely horrid. She didn't have any responses to anything I said, she rolled her eyes, cocked her head, arms folded, just so negative and I was blown away. I sincerely tried to talk it through with her and she didn't want to hear it. After the talk, she sent me a text asking me to make a choice. I responded and told her that my decision was to step back because of school, which is what I said months ago. I offered to help in any other way I could, I was positive in my response in saying that I want her to have an amazing day and was really sincere when I said those things. She responded by asking me to confirm that my choice was because of school. I didn't respond to her because I couldn't take any more of the negative juvenile behavior. I told her why and she's prodding. I'm having a hard time making a decision about what to do next. I'm significantly older than this person. I'm trying to be honest and communicate with her but she's giving me such a bad attitude that I don't even want to do the things I offered. I don't know what to do next. Do I reach out to her to make amends even though she was horrible to me? Do I continue to maintain my distance and be cordial but be left out of family events? I don't feel confident I can have a clear conversation with her and she's not behaving like the friend I used to know. I'd love your insight. Please share what you think I should do. 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): You are allowing yourself to be a target, bullied, intimidated, picked on. It is pointless. The more you let them the more they will want to do it and watch you squirm. It makes them feel special, important. Maybe they are jealous of what you have with their brother, maybe they want to take you down a peg for some other reason, maybe they want to feel they are the most important women in the group and you do not count, whatever it is do precisely what you would have done if you had been single and were not seeing their brother. Stand up for yourself if you have to. But in situations like this walk away and refuse to discuss it, otherwise it will keep coming back over and over again, they enjoy it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): P.S.
FYI, being blunt and straightforward doesn't mean being nasty or obnoxious. It means being honest, and standing-up for your principles. Be tactful, not tacky! If you can't please someone; then you have to remove yourself from the futile situation, even if they'll get angry. You'll get nothing but drama when you're wishy-washy or mealy-mouthed; and you're afraid you'll lose your boyfriend, if you don't make his sisters like you. Oh-well, whatever!!!
Face the fact that you've had a tiff with his sister; and she's allowing you no other recourse or recovery. She's telling you what you'll do, or else!
Woman-up, girlfriend!
We can only suggest to you what you might say or do; but if you're afraid of losing your boyfriend, you've boxed yourself into a no-win situation, and those females are going to have fun grinding you to a pulp. Nothing brings people around; like when they're backed into a corner! Then they go into survival-mode. That's when you'll figure it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): Tell her/them point-blank, and for the last time, you've given your answer before; and it has not changed.
Remind her that you've tried to handle the matter with her in a civil way; but only got a negative-attitude no matter how hard you've tried. You cannot commit to the wedding; and offered help in any other way, and that offer still stands. You do not wish to discuss this matter any further; because it seems to cause bad-blood. Stop dancing around with her. That's the problem.
If she persists, then tell her that you no longer wish to participate in any way. Whatever happens, happens. You've told her over and over.
You can't force people to like you; and you shouldn't allow people to bait you into entanglements and arguments. You know they don't like you; they may be trying to cause a rift between you and your boyfriend, for no other reason but to instigate trouble. Sometimes there is no apparent reason people dislike you; so give-up trying. Just be polite, but distant. Turn them over to your boyfriend; and stop trying to be a people-pleaser.
Once you've set your boundaries, and have made your point; the less said from here out, the better off you are. You're afraid your boyfriend will breakup with you over this; so you're going around and around and around. That's precisely what they're hoping you'd feel. Sometimes "NO" is the answer! If you take too long to say it, you'll be twisted into knots.
When you see you can't make headway with people no matter how hard you've tried; you stop, and put distance between you.
You'll contribute to the drama when you continue to fall into their traps; trying in futility to please them. They are purposely provoking you; so they can run back and tell your boyfriend. So what?!! Let them!!!
If he's the stupid kind of "Oh, I'm such a nice-guy that I can't see what's-up;" you'll spend eternity being put through the grinder by his family! While he's "pretending" to be totally oblivious. Doing absolutely nothing to make the peace, or to support you.
I'll tell you this. He's not so wonderful, if he allows his family to abuse you. Get that fact into your head! He leaves you struggling out there in waves and currents.
You're dragging this out; by being intimidated, and trying to make them like you.
Sorry, but no matter what you do or say, they won't like you. When people don't like you, and you've tried and tried; back-off and keep your distance. Excuse yourself when they call to start a fight over the same old issue; wish them well, and allow them to hate you from a safe and reasonable distance. That's life, and you're mature enough to know some people you cannot please for trying. Especially those who love drama, and are trying to provoke you into attacking them. Never let them see you sweat, or lose your cool. Be blunt and straightforward. They won't like your boundaries, but you have to set them.
They seem to enjoy making you squirm; while they keep making it harder to please them.
Continue being cordial. Tell your boyfriend exactly why you no longer wish to deal with his sisters, or that wedding. You are under no obligation. If you think him marrying you is contingent on your kissing his sisters' butts; you've backed yourself into a corner! He may have to attend the wedding without you. You'll just have to grow a stiffer backbone; and stand-up for yourself. He obviously isn't helping to smooth things out; because he's keeping his hands clean, and leaving it up to the womenfolk to battle it out. This is a preview of life from here on out. Prepare now for the future; or kiss-butt, until you get tired of the taste!
Stop haggling, and give your final answer. They may never like you, but they will respect you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 January 2022):
 "She also said that because of events that happened in the past, she's giving me the "option" to step back from the role in her wedding."
"Do I reach out to her to make amends even though she was horrible to me?"
Just tell her you will respect her decision and step back from the bridesmaid. And if she will have you, you would still love to come as a guest.
Your school is not LESS important than her wedding. Far from it. Your school is about YOUR future, her wedding is a ONE day event, that starts HER married life. Remember that.
"Do I continue to maintain my distance and be cordial but be left out of family events?"
I would. It seems like they like a bit of drama in his family. I wouldn't partake if I end up being the target for this drama.
Would I go out of my way to reach out to the Bridezilla? Nah.
She asked you with the HOPE that you would turn it down. She probably had an uneven number at the time so YOU "filled" a number" for her. My second guess is that she found someone else and then "bullied" you into stepping down so it would be YOUR fault you weren't a bridesmaid.
Some people (women in particular) go NUTS when they are planning a wedding. It's when their nasty side comes out. They think the world revolves around them and it's "their day" which is bullshit, It's Saturday the XX of month W. While it might BE a big day for her (and her spouse and family) it's NOT the day of all days or the most important time of EVERYONE around her's life. It just isn't. It's OK to want to feel special that day and look amazing, but some brides forget that it's a CELEBRATION of a union of 2 people not an Instagram story or Hallmark movie.
Talk to your BF and see what he thinks it's his family.
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