A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:"Please babe just give me some time" I don't even know where to begin. I met his guy a year and a half ago and we hit it off right away even though its long distance. All my friends and families and his know that we are serious about each other and plan on marrying one day.Last year was really rough for us because he lost his job earlier in 2010 when we met. So most of the travelling was funded by me. Some he repayed some he did not which is ok. In July, he poured out his heart to me and thanked me for being there for him throughout his financial difficulty and that he also has a fear of marriage because of the things he has witnessed in his household or amongst friends. He said when a woman is earning more, they tend to be bossy and disrespect and control the man. His fear is that something like that may happen to us so he really want to get things done so that he will be at a place in his life where this fear will go away. He told me to give him until December, he will be ready to settle down.Well finally in September last year, he got a job but you will think things will start moving faster again. But it didnt. Come December, he has still not made up his mind. He told me he knows he is gettting pressure from his mom and I am getting pressure from mines, and begged me to hang in there that he is taking care of somethins (i think he was refering to ex girlfriend that is still trying so hard to come back to his life)Well last week, he is opening up again and acting like when we first met so in love.He started telling me he is getting there where the fear is lifting up because he loves me and he will just have to accept things the way they are now. But guess what? He still told me "Please just give me some TIME. Don't ask me why?" Folks how much longer can I continue to deal with a man who is really now showing me he is commitment phobic. I will never have thought he wasn't ready when we met. He seemed so sure of what he wanted. Why is he feeding me with these fear BS. It's eithr you want to settle down or not or enjoy your single life. I have been going out and meeting peoole but I lose interest easily because the men out here are just not doing anything for me. He is the one I have connection with even thought its long distance. Will an ultimatum work? Should i ask him how much time he needs or just wait for everything to flow naturally?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Glad to hear this :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, everyone thank you all for your input. I have already typed my break-up speech like an hour ago but he did not answer his phone. He then text me to say that he saw my missed call and my mom's and checking to see if everything is ok because he is at the movies. Why my mom called him I dont know.But I got really good advice on this trend and I think it is time to move on. Ultimately I am dealing with a player who is finding difficulty making up his mind but holding on to me because I am a good woman.Just to set the record straight anonymous, I do not need marriage to fulfil happiness. I am already a happy woman. This man is the one sucking life out of me. I just need to move on. This is no longer an ultimatum. This is for my own sanity. Never will I try long distance again and never will I give my heart to another man so quick and easy. Lessons learned. Thanks you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): OP, he is not the right guy for you. Your idea of how he should be feeling and thinking is not in sync with how he really feels and thinks. In other words, there is what you want with all your heart. And then there is reality.
As an example:
"Everyone has this fear so if you really love someone you know in your heart you cant be without then you have to make the move. I shouldnt have to push him. "
This is only your opinion of how someone "should" think and feel and behave, because it's how you think and feel and behave. But realize that he may not feel this way at all. He may really not believe that loving someone trumps all fear. But if you believe it is, then by definition you have to see his actions as proof that he doesn't love you enough. then what are your options?
You are right that you shouldn't have to push him. And right now, everything in your posts is saying that if you are to be getting married to him anytime in the foreseeable future, you will be having to push him. So you've answered your own question as to what to do. This guy is not the right guy for you by definition because you have to push him. The right guy would be someone whom you don't have to push.
some times, when you have these goals and milestones that you need to achieve in order to be happy, but which depend on the involvement and participation of another person, you can run into trouble when you lock yourself into the rigid expectation that this person you're with has to be the one to fulfill your life goals.
Rather than thinking of this as "this is MY goal for MY life which is to get married and have kids, and it has to be him doing it with me"
why not instead take a different approach: "this is OUR life, this is what I am truly willing to compromise or give up for his sake, and this is what he is truly willing to compromises and give up for my sake." Now what would this picture look like? What would you willingly give up for him? And I mean willingly, not grudgingly or in hopes that it can be used later on to get him to do something else. Would you willingly give up the notion of marriage and kids? What would he give up for you? Whatever the picture looks like, that's the reality of your relationship. Now decide if you want this or not.
If you would not be willing to give up marriage and kids, for him, then you're not the right woman for him anymore than he isn't the right guy for you. You can part ways gracefully and move on to find new partners with more compatible visions of the future. If you're on a time line (biological clock, family pressure, whatever) then you should be cutting your losses and working towards finding someone else who has the same goals as you.
of course there is another option, which is to change your attitude so that you don't "need" to achieve these set milestones in order to still be fulfilled and happy in your present relationship. it's not wrong to want marriage and family, but at the fundamental root of the matter isn't it really about living a fulfilling and happy life? People who believe that they need marriage and kids in order to be fulfilled and happy, put a lot of pressure on themselves.
You say he's the only man you've had a connection with. Can you see yourself living a life with him and this great connection, but without marriage and kids involved? If not, why not?
again, it's not wrong to want marriage and kids. But the reality of YOUR circumstances is that you're in a relationship with a guy who does not want that. No matter how he may explain his reasons for not wanting that - and your refusal to accept his reasons - in the end the reality is that he doesnt' want that. And he has a right to want what he wants, just as you have the right to want what you want. If neither of you has a change of heart (not just a grudging outward compromise while inside there is resentment at having had to compromise), then this isn't going to work out no matter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): OP, he is not the right guy for you. Your idea of how he should be feeling and thinking is not in sync with how he really feels and thinks. In other words, there is what you want with all your heart. And then there is reality.
As an example:
"Everyone has this fear so if you really love someone you know in your heart you cant be without then you have to make the move. I shouldnt have to push him. "
This is only your opinion of how someone "should" think and feel and behave, because it's how you think and feel and behave. But realize that he may not feel this way at all. He may really not believe that loving someone trumps all fear. But if you believe it is, then by definition you have to see his actions as proof that he doesn't love you enough. then what are your options?
You are right that you shouldn't have to push him. And right now, everything in your posts is saying that if you are to be getting married to him anytime in the foreseeable future, you will be having to push him. So you've answered your own question as to what to do. This guy is not the right guy for you by definition because you have to push him. The right guy would be someone whom you don't have to push.
some times, when you have these goals and milestones that you need to achieve in order to be happy, but which depend on the involvement and participation of another person, you can run into trouble when you lock yourself into the rigid expectation that this person you're with has to be the one to fulfill your life goals.
Rather than thinking of this as "this is MY goal for MY life which is to get married and have kids, and it has to be him doing it with me"
why not instead take a different approach: "this is OUR life, this is what I am truly willing to compromise or give up for his sake, and this is what he is truly willing to compromises and give up for my sake." Now what would this picture look like? What would you willingly give up for him? And I mean willingly, not grudgingly or in hopes that it can be used later on to get him to do something else. Would you willingly give up the notion of marriage and kids? What would he give up for you? Whatever the picture looks like, that's the reality of your relationship. Now decide if you want this or not.
If you would not be willing to give up marriage and kids, for him, then you're not the right woman for him anymore than he isn't the right guy for you. You can part ways gracefully and move on to find new partners with more compatible visions of the future. If you're on a time line (biological clock, family pressure, whatever) then you should be cutting your losses and working towards finding someone else who has the same goals as you.
of course there is another option, which is to change your attitude so that you don't "need" to achieve these set milestones in order to still be fulfilled and happy in your present relationship. it's not wrong to want marriage and family, but at the fundamental root of the matter isn't it really about living a fulfilling and happy life? People who believe that they need marriage and kids in order to be fulfilled and happy, put a lot of pressure on themselves.
You say he's the only man you've had a connection with. Can you see yourself living a life with him and this great connection, but without marriage and kids involved? If not, why not?
again, it's not wrong to want marriage and kids. But the reality of YOUR circumstances is that you're in a relationship with a guy who does not want that. No matter how he may explain his reasons for not wanting that - and your refusal to accept his reasons - in the end the reality is that he doesnt' want that. And he has a right to want what he wants, just as you have the right to want what you want. If neither of you has a change of heart (not just a grudging outward compromise while inside there is resentment at having had to compromise), then this isn't going to work out no matter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): You'don't need to just be on the same page...you need to live in the same location. Time to pack your bags and move over there hun. Finances or no finances, when two people are serious about each other, some tough choices need to be made. Its very important for a man to work - for his ego and self-esteem particularly. As a woman you can afford more flexibility. Time to move over there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): I agree with others about the ultimatum thing. think long and hard if you really want to issue an ultimatum because once it's issued you can't retract it.
Ultimatums work ONLY if you use them as a decision-making step for you and you only, regardless of what the other person does. He is free to choose as he wishes which includes continuing not to budge from his position, and the ultimatum is only to clarify for yourself that it is indeed time for you to leave. Then you will have peace of mind when you leave, knowing it was the right thing to do. This means that if you give the ultimatum and if he doesn't do as you want, you will for sure follow through and end the relationship because this shows that leaving is what YOU need to do.
Ultimatums do not work when you are using them to try and push the other person to do what you want. Here it can backfire on you and often does. In this mindset, you are still totally focused on what he is doing, not on what you need to do for yourself. As So_Very_Confused put very well, if you use an ultimatum to try make him change, then the likely outcomes are he complies reluctantly not because he actually wanted to or was ready to (you may be happy in the short term but trust me in the long term this will come back to bite you in the rear end). Or he sticks to his guns and you're left in the same emotional state you're in now - not ready to leave, still wanting desperately for him to change, and feeling powerless because he isn't changing. So you end up staying on in the relationship anyway despite all the grand bravado talk of "ultimatum" and basically lose all credibility, and shows that you are not a person of your word. Or you end up having to follow through on what you said you would do (leaving) but you're not actually prepared to do it.
therefore, think long and hard if an ultimatum really is what you want to do here. It's not going to work as a manipulation tactic. It only works as purely a decision-making tool for yourself regardless of what he does, and nothing more.
Otherwise, why not just enjoy your relationship as it is?? why is that so bad? why this push toward marriage? His fear is very real, it's not "BS" just because you don't feel that same fear. But to him it's a very real psychological block. By invaliding it you're further worsening his fear.
if you love him and want to keep him in your life as an intimate partner, then why not let go of this notion of marriage? it will happen if and when it happens.
If you're set on the institution of marriage though, and you must get married in the near future for whatever external reasons - and I say they are external because apparently they have nothing to do with the present relationship - then you're better off moving on and finding a man who is on the same page as you are right now, without needing to undergo any major personal changes for you.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (27 March 2012):
At the update...
LOL he is unemployed and lives far away, but wants to have a baby with you, but won't move in?
Leave him.
He does not know what he wants. He is an idiot.
I am blunt and I call it how it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2012):
 Well, then I would suggest sitting down and have a grown up discussion about the future with him. Also, I think living together (6-12 months) before marriage is a great thing, because living together is where you see all the little quirks that may or may not make a marriage work.
There is nothing wrong in wanting to start a life together, but you really need to be on the same page. If you don't even discuss it how do you know where you are at in the relationship?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIHateWomenBeaters, you said, what do I want? I want this man and I to start a family soon. He chose me and I chose him too. We are in love but the few obstacles in our way needs to be ironed out. I am not pressuring him and have never initiated the serious talk. I dont even know why he feels the need to ask for more time. Maybe he feels guilty because he realized he bit more than he can chew in the beginning. I think when he was going through the financial difficulty, it was easy for me to deal with the wait. But its harder now that he talks about his fears. I dont want someone telling me they have fear of marriage when they have not even tried it. Everyone has this fear so if you really love someone you know in your heart you cant be without then you have to make the move. I shouldnt have to push him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is no big hurry to get married but he is 37 and I am 31. He is the one that pursued me and told me he was lucky to find me because he is looking to settle down finally.Well the pressure may really be coming from his side and he thought its coming from mines. My parents are cool. Im close to my mom so we talk about my relationships sometimes but with no pressure.No we are not living together. We are working towards it. During his unemployment he did move down here temporarily to be closer to me and seek a job but then he moved back home when they offered him a job over there. Since then we have not talked about relocation like we used to. If he would have got a job here I believed that would have solved the distance problem.Trust me, I know he has a lot on his mind. 1. He just started a new job, but if he wants to get a job here, he needs to continue the job search and not give up. Looks like he gave up when it didnt work the first time 2. need to pay back debt owned, which he told me he is almost done.3. he was only able to sign a year's rental lease when he moved back home. So he may not be trying to break his lease anytime soon. 4. He thought i wanted a big wedding and he does not see himself being capable of providing such. This was when we talked 2wks ago. I told im i am not Kim Kardasian. Besides my parents can take care of that. Lastly, he needs to accept that his hope of making more than his woman is not happening anytime soon, so delaying marriage for this is inevitable.Like you said, he may not be 100% sure of us to make a decision. I asked for a break from the relationship so he can figure those things out without me in the picture. He refused and completely threw that plan out the door. It was this fear of me leaving him that prmopted him to start talking about marriage again. He even went as far as asking how do i feel about having a baby before marraige because he doesnt want to be the cause of delaying me. What more can I do now to lead him to commitment?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2012):
 How much longer can you deal with him? That’s up to you… if the relationship is not working for you (who cares if it works for mom or dad or your friends)… then it’s not working and you have to make a choice…
If you give him an ultimatum you risk two things
1, losing him if he does not comply and you follow through with the promise to leave
2. staying with him even after the time frame passes and then losing any and all credibility with your “empty threats”
NEVER give an ultimatum if you are not going to follow through.
He told you to give him till December…. December came and he still had not complied and yet you stayed… you already have indicated that you will let him slide with his promises…
You are LDR.. how far apart are you?
How often do you see each other?
What’s the plan to end the distance gap? At 18 months together you guys are adults… either you are closing the gap (not necessarily marriage yet but being together on a more regular basis) or not. LDRs are not meant to be forever… SOMEONE has to move.
I started an LDR in December 2010. He was 37 at the time and swore up and down right and left in and out that he was NOT getting married. He did not believe in marriage…He is a child of divorce and craziness… I was fine with it I never wanted to get married again…. Guess who’s engaged? Yep two people who didn’t want to get married…
We spent January and February 2011 getting to know each other.. by mid-March 2011 we knew we wanted to be together….. December 2011 he turned in the keys to his apartment and moved 2 hours away to be with me…. he lost his job and all his friends are now long distance. But it was worth it to him to be with me.
My life has been turned upside down as well as I will be putting my home of 22 years on the market in order to move to a new place with him and get a fresh start for us….
I am a HUGE believer in the fact that people in general when presented with someone they fall in love with will move heaven and earth to be with them…
My point is that I think he is never going to be ready to make the type of commitment you want with you.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (26 March 2012):
Forget everyone else. Why do want to get married?
Is it because of your parents or you?
I am banking on your parents. They are the reasons why you are so in need of getting married.
Tell them to back off.
They have no say in when you get married, only you.
Now, on the other hand, I know there is a side of you that wants to get married. So, in this situation, I quote Ryan Goslin from the Notebook, "Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"
Go from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): Its a LDR ? Which means you don't spend as much time together as a 'local' couple.Maybe he just isn't a 100% sure yet.
Its nothing what so ever to do with either of your parents, so don't listen to them. Its between you and him
He hasn't been in his new job that long so maybe he wants to feel more secure and settled in that.
He has thanked you for being there for him, supporting him through unemployment, but it still rocks your world when you lose your job doesn't it?
Maybe he is just making excuses - if LDR means one of you re-locating then maybe thats the problem. Your not clear on if he is now nearby or not?
Don't give him an ultimatum if you don't want to lose him. He owes you an explanation though and something to work towards, not just 'Ime not ready' you need to talk.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2012):
I don't think an ultimatum works with a guy like this. But I DO think he owes you an explanation.
If he isn't ready are you willing to stay BF/GF?
Are you two living together? Or are you still in a LDR?
And secondly, stop letting your mom pressure you. Figure you what YOU want, talk to your man and figure out what HE wants, if you two can find common ground, that is what matters.
What is the big hurry to get married?
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