A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Inspired by a post on here today, I was wondering what sort of things should a couple discuss before they move in? Should they just know they both want marriage and children, or should they commit to a proper date/timescale beforehand? I know financial and domestic expectations should be discussed, but should sex expectations be discussed too, so one partner doesn't think cohabiting automatically means daily sex? I suppose how much planning should go into it first to maximise success? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I'm going to answer your questions on here, as well as ask you some of my own. I'll number them because I can tell from your posts that you would benefit from some concise direction from an intellectual or commonality standpoint:
1. Should they just know they both want marriage and children, or should they commit to a proper date/timescale beforehand?
This should be something discussed independent of moving in. You should already know the answer to this question well before moving in is a factor. Needless to say, unless his plans and dreams for your future aren't already going forward in a tangible way, then what's the point??
Moving in together is NOT a "next level" thing, nor is it some sort of "test drive". It's adding domesticity to your relationship, and domesticity and commitment are two separate things.
2. "Should sex expectations be discussed too, so one partner doesn't think cohabiting automatically means daily sex?"??
Even in marriage, daily sex isn't a prerequisite. Again, you should know your sex drive compatibility well before you move in together. Moving in doesn't mean that one person "owes" the other a quota of sexual activity. Sex is an expression of love, not a duty to be performed or a payment or gratuity or reward or even a weapon.
3. You asked about the planning to maximize success?
What you should talk about is expenses, equity, birth control, views on drugs, alcohol, standards of cleanliness, that sort of thing.
I'll give you an example -- look up how many thousands of posts on here are about people who move in together only to find out that one of them is a slob who can't pick up their own socks and leaves dirty dishes and moldy food scattered all over the place.
Also to be discussed is expectations on housekeeping and cooking. Who does what chores? Laundry? Car repairs? Cooking? Dishes? That's another point of argument -- when one doesn't pull their weight or does it haphazardly and the other grows resentful.
Pets, too. Does one want them? And if so, who takes care of it? Does someone already have a pet?
Do not join bank accounts. Do not buy joint items. There are no protections for you if you do. Do not become a co-signer for credit like buying a car or a loan. Live like a roommate where everything is split, but your assets are your own. Do not give out bank or password information or sensitive numbers (like the Social Security number her in the US...I forgot what the UK equivilant is). Do not open up credit cards making your partner a cardholder, because the courts don't offer protection to people who only co-habitate.
Finally, ask yourself WHY you want to move in?? If it's because you're hoping it will bring you closer to getting married, it won't. If it's because you both are saving money and two can live cheaper together than separately, then what?
Also, does one of you make a lot more money? You need a place that doesn't break one of you. That happens too -- it's too much house/apartment/flat for one person, who spends too much and the other one can stockpile excess income unto themselves.
Hopefully, this will get your thinking back into the proper direction.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2015):
 I think SOME planning is smart.
Like how to split expenses/bills and chores. Those two are BIG for me, and I know a LOT of people will talk money in a heart beat but NOT chores or expectations.
Some fall into the "expected" gender role bias that the woman do all the cooking and cleaning, even though she works full time, because... she has ovaries. Which is why I think dividing or at least TALKING chores is smart.
I also think its REAL smart to not BUY things together for the place. Like a couch or TV. ONE of you can buy it, and then if all fails THAT is yours when you leave. I know that is kind of pessimistic, but it's also very practical.
As for sex, well I think most people just wing that. Some think; OH, we are now living together so there should be sex on demand. Or since we live together there is no need for as much sex as before.
If you want LESS sex then you are getting now, I think it's a good thing to discuss, specially if you are of mind #2 (less) and he is of mind #1 (more) - but I don't think you can PLAN for how much/how little.
As for a future (kids/marriage) don't second guess him or yourself. Don't WAIT around for him to decide if he is ready or not. If you think by year 3/4 it's REASONABLE to consider this and he ISN'T ready, then plan accordingly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): You can plan and talk; but everything depends on your compatibility.
You may have a lot of things in-common. You can also have high hopes and expectations; but life has ups and downs and you just have to meet those challenges as they come. You can even sign a contract; but as circumstances change, you may have to amend the original agreement. That is because people change, and circumstances change. There is always risk and you can't plan for the unforeseen or see into the future. There is always risk and life offers no guarantees.
Yet people live happily ever-after, if it's mean to be.
Here's the mistake I think a lot of OP's make. I'm going to stick my neck out and generalize.
It often seems (there is no survey or research to support this theory, only experience) that women believe moving in together is a form of "pre-engagement." That's because you've "discussed" the future. So many will erroneously believe you can count on it. So you start planning your wedding, how many kids you'll have, etc. Guys don't think like that. and I don't care what they tell you! We wouldn't get some many of the same posts about this, if they did.
By the same token, guys figure they'll agree to anything for sex on demand and someone to share half the bills. It's a win-win situation. He'll stall or just pacify you with promises of marriage with an open-end date-line.
Go into it with realistic expectations and optimism. Just don't jump too far ahead of where things are. Calculate in your on mind the time you will allow before you feel things are not progressing at the speed, and in the direction you had previously discussed. Let him know right off the bat, that you're not going to let him enjoy all the honey, without dealing with the bees.
Establish that YOU are looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage within a reasonable period of time. Listen to what he says, and look dead into his eyes to sense his sincerity when he gives his response and opinion. Most guys tell you what you want to hear. One year turns into two, two into there, and suddenly there's an unplanned kid. Then three turns into four years. No ring, no proposal, and no hints of marriage. Who's the dummy?
Women think ahead and for keeps, guys think in the present. They agree to your terms; because men are fantastic negotiators.
They don't worry about the future, if the present is going great. You will determine how things progress as you live one day at a time. You can plan all you want to. Life my dear is unpredictable, and people make mistakes. Take your chances. That's the only way we know if anything is going to work. You try. Then, if things between you are compatible and you know how to get through the setbacks and challenges together; you'll grow closer. Then you'll become a team. If there are too many fights and disagreements, too much begging resulting in too many insincere apologies; cut your losses, and get the hell out.
Don't sit around like a dummy suffering and using "love" as your excuse.
As for sex, it reaches a plateau naturally. You start out hot and heavy, it tapers off; then it heats up again. So unless you have a crystal ball, you can discuss it up-front; but you'll have to cross that bridge when you get to it.
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