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How much more should I give and take?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 February 2007) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 February 2007)
A male Canada age 41-50, *orontoGuy writes:

How much more should I give and take?

Based on mistakes in past relationships i've made myself a very open and honest person. I have learned that keeping things inside and not openly communicating in a relationship can make it rot from the inside out - until it cant be saved. In my current relationship I stressed this from the begining. My girlfriend agreed with me and for a few months we were both quite expressive, open and loving with each other.

Im in a long distance relationship with a woman I care deeply for, but lately she has somewhat distanced herself emotionally from our relationship. She has a very busy life (work full time and grad school part time) and I fully support her needing time to get her stuff done. I agree with her when she tells me she needs her space. I do as well. But how much space do I give? A relationship is about togetherness. We already live 300 miles apart and see each other once every few weeks. I dont expect nor want to be together ALL the time, but I do want more than im getting right now. I dont think she feels the same - which worries me because not long ago she did. She has gotten less and less expressive on the phone and has been very moody lately - she blames it on work, school and things going on in her life. I try to get her to talk about it, but that makes her angry and closed off more.

I dont feel im needy, but I do want more from her emotionally (like she was a few months ago). She assures me that its just not her personality to be that way, but that totally contradicts how she used to behave with me. I worry that her feelings have changed. I cant get her to open up. Ive given her plenty of space but it never seems like she wants to address my needs. I miss the way we were and I dont know how to get that back. How long do I put up with not communicating well? How much space do I give? I want to be with her, but I cant take the hot and cold treatement - especially when we cant be together for weeks on end. Help!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007):

How much do you know about this woman to have developed so much strong feelings for her? Have you done any checks on her about her private life from someone who knows her? I am being suspicious but i think you got to be careful while entering in to such a relationship. You don't want to end up being a temporary solution for the loneliness and cravings of support for this woman, DO YOU?

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A male reader, fallenman United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2007):

fallenman agony auntCan i suggest that in a relationship like yours that you only get to see glimpses of her life and snap shots of your and her attitude towards a relationship.

I would ask her if she feels if you have been too demanding of her attention and is that demand making her distance herself and close down to avoid your demands however well intentioned they may be.

In any relationship the needs of each person are rarely matched and one of partners needs to accept that they cannot get all of their needs met from the other partner.

This is where trust and integrity play an important role in a relationship as they allow each partner to have their other needs met with other male and female friends.

In summary it is unreasonable to expect your girlfriend to met all of your needs, so you do have to give more than you take forever. i.e. your whole life.

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