A
female
age
51-59,
*evertooold
writes:I have been married for 21 years. During that time our sex life has never been that great for me,. For the past 10 years I have had no desire to have sex with my husband, do so just to keep him happy as a wife should, normally only last a couple of minutes anyway. I am no longer attracted to my husband at all and am contemplating a separation. We have 3 children aged 10-17 I have stayed in the marriage for them and as we run quite a large business together. As background my husband is trustworty and loyal I would never doubt him and I have never strayed either, we are really good friends, I won't say best friends as i certainly don't share all my feelings with him. Example when my parents passed away I did not want him to comfort me in any way and we didn't discuss my feelings at this time as I just don't have that intimacy with him. I have tried to spice up our sex life in the past but always ended in frustration for me. I think the years is dissatisfaction have taken a huge toll. He is happy with a couple of minutes of satisfaction and that keeps home life good. Is made easier by the fact that he works 6 - 7 days a week on our farms he has worked those type of hours for the majority of our marriage, he absolutely loves his work but has left me to raise the kids. work off farm to set us up financially, do the farm book work and I think all that has also damaged our relationship. But it is now getting to a point where i don't look forward to him coming home, certainly dont look forward to bedtime. I am so confused as I was brought up to be committed and loyal to your family, that life has up and downs and of course the shine wears off. but how long is too long to be down. I know my husband loves me but I just don't think that is enough. I have also grown from a young girl of 18 to a woman of 40 and the difference between the two is extraordinary. I guess my real problem is that my husband is a good man the thought of hurting him scares me. But maybe he too would be better off in the long run. I hear people say work on the marriage, but you know when I hear that I just think I don't want to.
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female
reader, nevertooold +, writes (6 October 2010):
nevertooold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. Just to add a bit more detail and would appreciated opinions. A few years ago my health deteriorated with the end result my falling into a severe depression. I received help for this but during that period I begged my husband for more support on the home front. With depression even the simplest of tasks become near impossible to perform. I spoke to him numerous times about how I was feeling and what I needed from him at that time. Number one priority was the kids. Make time for them as they were suffering too. Make sure their homework is getting done, kick the footy with the youngest, simple tasks. I am probably the financial boss with regards to our business (which incidentally is a partnership of ourselves, his father, two brothers and their wives) so I wasn't coping with that as well either and my husband found that frustrating and annoying and I told him the best thing to do was use our professional advisors more as I was struggling to make decisions properly. Unfortunately, this didn't happen. As I was recovering I knew I would have good days and bad ones. On the bad days if I snapped at him, even as simple as raising my voice a tad, he would sulk and tell me I was hurting him. i begged him to be strong for me, to take the kids for the day but no. I begged him to take the kids away on weekends to make sure they were having fun and also for me to have alone time to work on recovery. He would always say no you have to come if we go somewhere. At one point he got really angry at a two week period he had to do the dishes each night as I was exhausted, commenting that he was getting nothing in return (sex that is). So you see whilst I tried to open up and discuss some very serious issues and guiding him the whole way as best I could he can only see his side. I feel betrayed by this very much so. And the point about his role model is correct, his father is the same. To him working on our marriage is me coming out working on the farm to stay connected. And Flynn as for my never really loving him, hindsight is a wonderful thing, looking back now when I am 43, to when we got married at 21, I was very, very naive. Back then I thought what I felt was love and back then our friendship was that of absolutely best friends. Time and experiences changes things and maybe memories to a degree. To say leaving my marriage is taking the easy way out, oh boy how wrong you are. The easy thing is to bury my feelings, play happy families which I am very good at, and in the end what I plan to do. The fallout from our splitting would affect alot of people not just ourselves. And no I don't believe my husband truly understands the level of my sadness and I do know my leaving may very well destroy him ultimately effecting my kids. I have no desire to even look at another man or enter another relationship that is not what this is about. Maybe venting all this will help me let go of some of the pain of feeling let down at my lowest ebb and help me to move on more positively.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): If you do not love the man, why are you still in a relationship with him?
You do him just as much disservice by pretending as you would if you cheated.
You need to separate, because it seems as if you are in a marriage that has love from only one direction.
I don't understand why you married in the first place, when it's clear you have never loved him, not really. So essentially you have made him think you do. You have made him live a lie that he doesn't even know he's telling.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): In the end, you have to figure out if you're willing to put in the effort to rekindle your marriage. The reality is for many of us, if we don't fix the relationship we're in now, we'll get into another one, drag all the same crap into that relationship AND likely find a person with the same core trait's that attracted us to our first partner.
So, you can either fix this relationship, or go through a really rough divorce and try to fix the next one.
I'd recommend giving each other a full week at a couples retreat, where you can do some focused work and communication. Even if at the end of this, you're convinced that you did all you could, then at least you'll know that.
Dissolving a relationship is hard, it's harder when there's a thriving business involved. Keep in mind that your husband is likely to be modeling the exact behavior that he saw other men do when he was growing up. He may not have had a great role model, and is simply doing the best he can with the tools he has. He may need to be introduced to a whole new set of skills.
Don't make the decision to end this marriage lightly- if you have this many years in it, give it a few months, make an honest effort and then KNOW that you did if it doesn't work. That kind of piece of mind is worth it, and beats the hell out of having second thoughts.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): I am going through the same thing, but on the flip side. Not married as long, but when we got married I thought our loyalty alone would keep us together, and just a couple of months she just walked out on me, and I did not know we even had problems.
A couple of weeks later we did talk. She told me that we were no longer compatible. That I made her feel nasty in the bedroom, that I was too unique for her, that I did a lot of things she disagreed with and she no longer felt like there was any intimacy.
Just before she left, about threes prior is when she started to act funny. She would snap at me for no reason, even if I agreed with her. When I responded back, she snapped more because I called her on it. Then she went out and bought a new car on her own (huge red flag) and then a week later did not come home until next morning. A few days later she was gone.
Now she wants to be friends... She does not want to reconcile, and wants to keep her distance, but she wants to be a new kind of friends, mostly for our kids, and although I think it's a nice gesture, I think that she took the wrong approach of just up and leaving. I think she should have told me was getting ready to leave. She should have, and she even agrees, that she should have given me a second chance to whatever really got her mad and frustrated, so I feel like she let me down, yet she wants to be friends. Maybe with time, but she expects too much in a short time.
I believe when you just check out on someone, someone who loves you, although saving yourself, destroys them because they simply do not understand. I believe in your case, you need to start making your case to your husband. Tell him everything you really hate, and let him think and talk about, but ideally, you both come to the conclusion that it is over. Not just walk out like they don't matter.
In my case, I had never cheated, paid most of the bills, never forced sex, provided a lot and never complained. I am not sure about your husband, but good people should be treated the same.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 He works 6 or 7 days a week while you are the only one taking care of the kids. There is only so much he and you can do. The only time you have is work, food, and rest. A big part of you is neglected, the essence of you being a woman, not just a home maker and a mother. You want to be desired. Can he take off one day just so you can concentrate on each other, and talk about your deepest feelings? How long does he have to work like that? When can he cut back on work and maybe hire an assistant, or have his kids help out? Is he aware that a woman needs more intimacy before they can enjoy sex, or is he really that clueless? Does he know you are that dissatisfied? Men love to solve problems so hear him out before you take the easy way out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): Kinda sounds like your answering all your own questions...
Just a thought, though; does he know how you feel? Maybe if you two discuss it, you can work something out or find out what's wrong. Whatever you do, don't do anything hasty. He seems like a good man, and i wouldn't take that for granted. There's plenty of women out there that end up with some guy who is not decent at all.
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