A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Here's a little question for you. Is it possible that an experienced woman in her early thirties might develop a crush on a guy, but realise that this is a crush and therefore try and focus her energies elsewhere so as to forge a relationship with someone who she may be attracted to more at a 'soul-mate' level? My reason for asking (as if you haven't guessed!) is that I have had a big crush on her and thought that she felt the same way. I thought I was seeing all the signs of her flirtation crossing the boundary between friendliness and the potential for 'something more'. When I finally popped the question to her via e-mail her boss apparently had to 'calm her down'. Why would you need 'calming down'? Am I really that scary, or was she completely blown away by my huge levels of incompetence with women, given the fact that unbeknownst to me she was already seeing another guy from work already! So, I guess my question is, how can women be so overly friendly/borderline suggestive one minute and then completely shut down and go all negative on you the next after you have popped the questions? Thanks for your thoughts!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): P.S. The fact that my partner is an alcoholic who kicks and punches me when she's under the influence is probably the main factor which drove me into asking out the office woman who at the time was very nice to me - the antithesis of my lady at home. Still - onwards and upwards!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): ...thank you, ladies. Fair enough, more details required: I have two children and attached an e-mail from three years ago which was my first ever e-mail interaction with her - an e-mail which was sent at the time when she had just married. She is now going through divorce. No wonder I was rejected. Perhaps deep down inside I was wrestling between doing the right thing and asking her out and that in taking the asking her out option I decided to come on so strong so as to almost guarantee that I would be rejected. We haven't spoken in nearly a year (I have been avoiding her in the office to try and preserve my sanity and make a clean break from her) and when I do acknowledge her in passing she completely ignores me and can't even look at me - which is a little rude. I think the situation is way out of her comfort zone. To think that this time last year I thought that she genuinely had the hots for me. What a difference a year makes. By the way, Emily, I've actually been struggling with this rejection for many many months and have spent many hours on Dear Cupid looking for the silver lining to the clouds. I must say that you have given me during this time some of the best advice of all the agony aunts - you play it straight down the middle every time. For that - I thank you! Sorry for being vague - I guess I was just a little too cowardly. Suffice to say that the lady in question is still going out with the other guy from the office, but often flirts for hours on end with yet ANOTHER guy behind closed doors not too far from my desk. Ouch! !! xx indeed!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 March 2009):
Well I think you are being a bit vague about exactly what question you popped and what you said.
No it's not normal to need calming down unless you said "We've been a flirting a while now, if you don't marry me and have my children I'm going to kill you and then myself. Fancy it?"
I doubt that is what you said but you must have said something more than "So can I take you out for dinner some time?"
Flirting is fun and brightens up your day. If she was just flirting for fun and then got the vibe that you liked her then she should have backed off. It's unfair of her to have led you on if that is what she did.
I think we need more information to be able to give you specific advice.
But in general terms:
She flirted, you asked her out, she said no. So move on to the next girl you like. It's sad an harsh, but that's life.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, ~AgonyAuntLaure~ +, writes (22 March 2009):
 We flirt! Take it from me i am a woman and i even flirt and have given false impressions. But i have slowly stopped it. She was probably just flirting and wanting to be a friend more than anything else. I have a friend and we both flirt but have never and would never go out we are like bestfriends and we believe it would damage that! Maybe she would prefer to stay friends?
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