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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How does a guy get over a fear of rejection for good? Ive dates three girls, one for two years, and the other two for two dates each. Asking them out was a huge thing in my mind. When I did I felt good, but I am really unsatisfied with how I do with women. In Contrast, my close friends and family of guys were born with major selfworth and confidence and know exactly what to say to get a one night stand/girlfriend. My biggest fear is staying a virgin for much longer. Its like a monkey on my back Im trying to get rid of.When I get rejected, (only twice) I feel terrible. I'd rather play soccer against people twice my size(which I have no problem with), or go cliffdiving. I dont know where to go from here but its been a couple years that I have made changes to myself for the better but expect perfection. I feel as though I need to be perfect physically(working toward that), and make a great living(likely) before I can get the confidence to talk to girls romantically and date/make a connection/have sex with them. I need to prove to myself that I am attractive by actually getting with some girls.What would you suggest I do? Given Im in Grad school now so time is limited
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 September 2014):
 Ah the aunts are expected to give the magic solution to your obsessive and unhealthy thoughts which cause you distress and despite several years of advice you haven't actually made forward progress.
You are right where your thinking leaves you.
I found this entertaining and rather interesting video: http://6abc.com/society/attractive-woman-and-man-wear-fat-suits-on-first-dates/323647/ As it turns out, guys reject the less than perfect female in less time and with less fuss. The women give the less than perfect male a chance, at least in a few of the cases.
It's all about perception and expectation and you, OP, expect to be rejected and unwanted. So you wind up exactly that.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I can imagine that schools won't have a dating coach service / dating counseling- what about OCD coinseling ,though?...
because this must be a form of OCD, OP. Think of all the times you have posted here, always repeating the very same things with different phrasing ,no matter what you are told. Thing of how little flexibility you show in front of any suggestion. Think of all the hours and hours and all the energy you must have spent ruminating on the issue on your own. Think of the catastrophization , the disproportionate meaning that menial events would assume in the tale you are telling yourself. So , you would need a gun pointed at your jead to ask a girl out. Really ? And what's the worst that can happen ? that she says no, that she does not like you ( same as you admit you do not like plenty of girls that you see around ).
Think of the disproportionate meaning you give to the event itself, the fact of dating or not dating. I mean, at the end of the day ,you could just decide " hey, for whatever reason , it's not coming easy- so, let me forget about it for now, and just think of my studies , maybe I'll date when I'll be a doctor ! ".
You won't do anything to change, but you also won't do anything to let go of the problem, and put it aside for a while.
If that's not obsessive, dysfunctional, out of control thought patterns....
It does not really matter that it's about dating and girls, OP. It would be the same if you had put your life and happiness on hold because you are always thinking , whether you want it or not, about goldfish. Or global watming .
You DO need help, OP. Seriously. Do not find excuses.
because, ultimately, there's lots of people who live fulfilled, contented lives also without a partner, or without dating or having sexual flings.
But I can't figure a fulfilled contented life with a brain who's full of heavy useless mental baggage like yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI honestly dont have the time to go to counseling becauee the school doesnt do confidence/dating counseling, it does stress, time management, and sexual assault along with counseling study methods.I have sat down myself a few times this month to figure out what I think is wrong. I do understand the reaction is extreme to an extent, but at this point the only way to convince me to go and ask out a girl I like is if you put a gun to my head while im doing it.As for selection of who to date, I dont really know who I want to be anymore. In high school, I was the ultra nice guy without a spine and I realized how terrible it was for me when I spent a year trying to ask a girl out, only to get rejected by my best friend. I dont have what it takes to swing the opposite direction and be a jerk to get girls,so I dont know where to go from here. I feel like I have a high sex drive and even though I quit porn months ago, its so hard not to start again since I dont get anything now. Im still living at home with my parents ans they have no idea about this problem because they are not really Americanized when it comes to dating, so theres no point in asking their advice.I'll believe in my self value of girls did,but that hasnt been the case in high school and even in college. Girls have done things that made me think they like me but some Im not interested in and the others are too attractive for me to be secure with and trust them not to cheat.I also dont meet many new girls since we are stuck in the grad school building all day and I feel it too awkward to ask a girl out that I will have as a lab partner the next day and get rejected.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI honestly dont have the time to go to counseling becauee the school doesnt do confidence/dating counseling, it does stress, time management, and sexual assault along with counseling study methods.I have sat down myself a few times this month to figure out what I think is wrong. I do understand the reaction is extreme to an extent, but at this point the only way to convince me to go and ask out a girl I like is if you put a gun to my head while im doing it.As for selection of who to date, I dont really know who I want to be anymore. In high school, I was the ultra nice guy without a spine and I realized how terrible it was for me when I spent a year trying to ask a girl out, only to get rejected by my best friend. I dont have what it takes to swing the opposite direction and be a jerk to get girls,so I dont know where to go from here. I feel like I have a high sex drive and even though I quit porn months ago, its so hard not to start again since I dont get anything now. Im still living at home with my parents ans they have no idea about this problem because they are not really Americanized when it comes to dating, so theres no point in asking their advice.I'll believe in my self value of girls did,but that hasnt been the case in high school and even in college. Girls have done things that made me think they like me but some Im not interested in and the others are too attractive for me to be secure with and trust them not to cheat.I also dont meet many new girls since we are stuck in the grad school building all day and I feel it too awkward to ask a girl out that I will have as a lab partner the next day and get rejected.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 September 2014):
You've asked this many times now.
You've had lots of advice on this.
I know you're in grad school and so not a slow learner. But when it comes to yourself, you have a major blind spot and a lot of avoidance behaviors. You avoid situations that make you uncomfortable. You say you go cliffdiving and play soccer and go to the gym. Fair enough. But you are comfortable enough to do them.
Rejection sucks but it doesn't keep someone who has some belief in his own value from trying again. Your reaction to rejection is extreme and that is what you should focus on.
I think you take your limited time and figure out why you keep going over the same fears and concerns. That hamster wheel we've talked about before.
Basically, I think you don't actually believe you deserve to have a satisfying relationship, which includes sex, so you pre-select the women who will decline your attentions and thus validate your very worst fears about your physical, sexual and romantic attractiveness.
You say you feel to need to prove to yourself that you are attractive by actually getting with some girls.
You will never get with some girls until you let go of some of that perfectionist thinking.
Go get that professional help I think I've counseled you to get at least 50 times here.
You're right where your thinking has kept you. If you'd started some pro help a year ago, you could have been in an entirely different place now.
You're putting it off because you feel that counseling means that you are inadequate and flawed and you cannot accept that.
Guess what.
Going for help would show a higher level of courage and bravery. I know that doesn't compute in your current mental construct of what a man is and what a man should do and what a man should not do.
Dude.
Go.
Get.
That.
Help.
Do.
It.
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