A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In 2017, I lost my father to cancer. We fought a lot, he was really over protective even when I was an adult. I can’t look at his photo. A pain shoots through my chest. I tried anti depressants to see it will help it has not. I tried therapy it doesn’t help me. In that same year my boyfriend of 3 years proposed and left me for someone else. That still hurts but I’d do anything to have my dad back. I just don’t know how to deal with pain of loss in the same year. What really hurts is the lost of my dad. Sometimes I just cry and cry I can’t describe the pain. I’m not sure how to process his death. Sometimes I’m okay and sometimes if I see a photo of him or hear about something cancer related I get sad. I watched him die slowly before me in the span of 8 weeks in that same year I pushed through my senior year of college. Yesterday, was Christmas my sister sent photos of our last Christmas with our dad and my Ex I broke down because it was the last Christmas I had with him before he died. He didn’t see me graduate from College he was so proud of me. How do you handle the death of a parent? I just want to hug my dad, because I miss him so much.
View related questions:
christmas, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2020): I see 6 issues: 1] Dad's Strategy; 2] Your (pl.) Relationship; 3] His Death; 4] Your Grief; 5] Daily Coping; 6] Processing Strategy. Your complicated history is the basis both of your current struggle and of your release from it. Your boyfriend’s behavior hurts, but this is a side-issue. I’ll focus on these six areas.Dad’s Strategy:Daddy was a good yet flawed man who took seriously his duty to defend, guide and shape family culture with strength, courage and determination. He also had weakness, fears and vulnerabilities. But rather than negotiate with them, he repressed/concealed these behind defensive barriers. They emerged in excessive authoritarianism, a tyrannical bent, and a need to control others’ lives. He was easily provoked and assumed an aggressive attitude quickly.This hindered your own emotional development and did not teach you HOW to process your emotions. Rather, it set the basis for inevitable confrontations with you.Your [pl.] Relationship:Adulthood set an open yet uncertain future before you. You were ready to accept new insights and experiences as a part of making your own way into life. Conflict resulted.Dad insisted that you march to the beat of his drum, that he define the meaning/purpose of your life, and that you rely on his strength/knowledge/experience. You wanted to march to the beat of your authentic self, to follow your instincts and be your own person, to face the unknown and its perils with your own strength and imagination.Unable to process emotion, Dad saw this as ingratitude, insolence, folly and a rejection of HIM. For him, his directives were protection. For YOU, it meant isolation. You gained education, new skills and a new peer set, but you were trapped and blocked – unable to put this into motion. Dad’s restrictions robbed you of the motivation. Then he was diagnosed.His Death:Duty-bound to self-sacrifice your own interests, you watched helplessly for many weeks until the end came. No paths of action or space to maneuver were open. With no grounding in emotional perspective, with your world turned upside-down, you sat paralyzed with your complex history, and you faced the depths. You needed to grieve with Dad before the equilibrium of your lives broke apart. When Dad went, your inner-conflict and emotional disruption burst before you.Your Grief:Like towers, legacies built slowly but can collapse quickly. Dad was your protecting power/authority. When he died, you faced life without his protection or guidance. You experienced personal upheaval the limits of which were unclear. Your confinement did not end after those 8 weeks. The tower fell but you are imprisoned by grief you do not know how to manage. Grief is managing your life for you. But your complicated history is also the key to your release. Dad’s passing was the culmination of his purpose. But your recognition of needing a strategy to process grief is a key turning point where everything changes again and things begin to move and flow again. You want to take what you’ve learned and enter a new phase. Grief is hard, and it is especially hard when we do not grieve well. But your post shows that you see that the time has come to move into emotional maturity, to overcome past sorrows, and to move forward.Do this, but do it with prudence and caution.Daily Coping:In ways you may not yet grasp, your Dad will remain part of your history, makeup and life. Your relationship with him changed. Now you can explore. He is not there to stop you; but your life choices will be influenced in part by him still. You can disengage emotionally from the destructive behaviors and begin living YOUR life. You are your own person. Leave aside the old patterns and habits which dominated that relationship and live life YOURSELF!Make that choice daily. You ARE allowed to do that. This is NOT a betrayal of your Dad. It can lead to ‘making peace’ with Dad. And the emotional healing this entails can open a way for something greater. Processing Strategy:Even if you’re confused as to who and what you are, you must seek a way to do the seemingly impossible – process your deep grief. Find or make a spiritual path that works for you. Start taking care of your inner life. Your relationship with your Dad is relevant; but the issue here is stuck emotional development. Emotionally wounded himself, Dad was not able to advance your emotional life. Imagine a confluence of two streams – one you, one Dad. Dad’s influence still pours memories and emotions into the vessel that you are. Distill the best of Dad. Keep that and dismiss the rest. Now augment that stream with a new source.Many self-care websites feature exercises, readings, worksheets, checklists and activities to help you deal with anxiety, become emotionally grounded and process grief. Some hospitals and other organizations offer resources. There are grief support groups where grieving persons can share their story in a safe, supportive environment. You might consider grief counseling. Research available resources and use what interests and works for you. Proceed with prudence and caution but also with intention into this new phase of life. I have summed your story – or one telling of it – this far. It is up to you to complete the story.What will you write?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2020): I'm so sorry for your loss.No one can define how much time you need to grieve.From a personal experience I can say that it never really goes away. I'm 43 and I have lost my mother when i was 22. Next year I will have lived without her as long as I had lived with her. I still cry sometimes and that's OK. I still miss her. I think I always will. She was such a force of life.I think that you are not only processing the loss of your father, but also the idea of mortality. When we lose our parents, we are next in line, so to speak. Losing a parent really makes you face the fact that we are all going to die.It's the same thing with being left by a partner. But instead of grieving the loss of your past. You're grieving the loss of your future. You feel abandoned by your father AND your husband to be. That's a lot to handle. When my mom died (and she was the only parent I had, since I have never known my father), I immediately took on her role (the role she played in the lives of everyone she knew) - a person you can relay on, someone you can trust, a problem solver, a rock. I was actually comforting her friends and family... It was a win-win situation. They got what they needed - my mom in me and I got what I need - my mom in me. You see this kind of behavior made me feel safe, I was showing not just to the others but to myself that I can deal with this, that I was ready.This is what worked for me. You have to find something that works for you and give yourself time.Try Therapy. Spend time with People around you.As a side note. When my mom died my bf of 6 years proposed and I would have asked him to wait, but he did it in sucha public way that I didn't want to hurt him and said yes, fully aware that I didn't want that. Soon after we broke up. I knew that that was the right decision, but I was miserable and I cried all the time. ALL THE TIME. I was feeling so alone. But, I had people around me and I gave them a place in my life. Life is change. The moment we think that we have "built" something, we shouldn't get attached, because nothing is permanent. KNowing this doesn't help much, we need to PRACTICE it in order to be able to suffer less.My advice in a nutshell is to embrace whatever comes. WHen you feel like crying, cry. Let people inside. Try to keep busy. Volunteer. It will take the focus of of you and your sorrow and you will actually help someone.It will get better!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2020): Typo corrections:
"It feels like there's something unfinished, and you missed a big chance."
"Yeah, I got angry when my dad said certain things, or expected so much of me."
Parents are human. They don't always choose the best of words. You didn't and don't always choose the best of words when you deal with people either. If he was such a terrible person, it doesn't make sense that you grieve for him so much.
He had his human-faults and imperfections; and he used the wrong kind of words in his anger. Until you are a parent, you won't understand their anguish and frustration in child-rearing. No, it was not right to call you stupid or retarded; but you have survived!
As an adult, stubborn and opinionated, it gets harder to get a point across; he chose his strongest words to stress a point. You in-turn, may have exchanged even harsher words; and don't pretend as though you feel abused. How do you think he felt when his daughter talked back to him? We get these kind of one-sided stories all the time; but if we could investigate all the details, we'd see exactly where the other party was coming from. I don't condone parents to insult or belittle their children.
In-fact, the Bible says: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord." [Ephesians 6:4]
Verbal-abuse is never acceptable; but abuse is not always the intent behind angry-words. Nobody likes to be criticized or admonished. Your parents gave you life, they took care of you until you were able to take care of yourself; hence, they get parental-privilege, and they do get to tell you when you're stupid. If you're stupid! Meaner people who don't love you will say even worse, and that's just a fact of life!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2020): I offer you my most sincerest condolences, and I will offer-up a prayer for the good Lord to grant you comfort in your grief. I lost my mother when I was 17, and my youngest brother was only 2. He can't remember my mother, he was raised by a nanny. My other siblings and I share her memories and pictures with him. We tell him stories about her; so if nothing else, he knows who she was.
I also lost my dad, who raised us as a single-parent. He never remarried. He, like my mother, had a strong faith in God. He raised us to love, honor, and obey our Creator. He was kind, loving, and I miss him like nobody's business! I miss his advice, and his corny jokes. Even how he'd be so stern and serious one minute, when we had done something really wrong; but he'd be so sweet and gentle with us soon afterward. I do my best to retain all he taught us; and I try so hard to be like the man he was. He was the perfect balance to my mother, who stifled us under overprotection; but he was the one who allowed us room to grow, and learn from our mistakes. He encouraged us to pursue our interests, and taught us not to fear taking risks...but always have a plan, and keep God as our center, guide, and council. He taught us that without God, we were aimless. I veered off the path. I partied and became materialistic. I pushed all he tried to teach me aside. I had to learn things on my own, turns out he was right all along. God saved me from myself; and heals me when I'm broken and in pain. My faith in Him sustains me!
I appreciate what you feel; because I know how you feel. A part of you was snatched-away; and it seems it happened way too soon! You wanted to be really old when it happened. You wanted him to walk you down the isle, see your first child, and celebrate all your accomplishments. If feels like there's something unfinished, and you missed a big chance. You grieve even more, because you're sorry for being angry with him for loving you so hard that he overprotected you. Don't feel bad sweetheart, he understood you were growing-up and developing your own mind and opinions; and that you were becoming a woman. That was his goal. He has succeeded.
He loved, molded, and protected you as a father should; and you grieve because you love him for it. You're afraid he misunderstood your rebellion to mean you didn't love him. He knew. He knows! You two were so much alike you probably butt heads all the time! He saw so much of himself in you, he just wanted to be sure you didn't make the same mistakes he made.
Let that profound love he brings out in you outshine and overcome your grief. I wish I could tell you that you will stop feeling grief. You won't, but you'll learn to live with it with time. Your loss is still fairly recent, so it still hurts deeply. My parents died years ago, I never stop crying for them, or missing them. Your guilt for being disagreeable, a little mean, and angry with him is robbing you from being able to appreciate his wonderful memories. Memories which should soothe you, not hurt you. Yeah, I got angry with my dad said certain things, or expected so much of me. He didn't think I always made the best decisions; and he wasn't the kind of man to bite his tongue about it. He called a spade a spade! He wasn't perfect, but he was the best dad anyone could have! I know you feel the same for yours!
Your heart will refuse to let-go, because that's what grief is. Letting-go doesn't mean forgetting, or loving any less, sweetheart! Grief is a profound sadness for, and the refusal to accept the loss of someone you hold dearest to your heart. It is resisting the thought of the finality of death; and the thought and realization they will never return. At least, not in this plane of existence. You sometimes feel they will just walk right through that door! You think you heard their voice in another room. That it was all just a bad-dream, because it's so surreal. You can't prepare for it. It hits you just as hard, even when you knew it was coming. That's the reality of death. It's the end to the full circle of life. For people of faith, it is not the end of our existence. The spirit is eternal.
There are no words people can say, there is no magical cure, and medicines can only numb your feelings temporarily. If sometime in your life, you were introduced to spiritual-faith and worship; this is the time to return to it. You will find comfort, solace, and peace. I know I know, you don't want to hear all that religious mumbo-jumbo! I'm not offering you religion, I'm just reminding you of what you might have been taught, but never really pursued; because it just seemed so..."unscientific!" Well, God is love and peace. If pills don't work, and therapy doesn't work, then try God. Hey, what have you got to lose? Go someplace peaceful and quiet. Tell Him everything on your heart. How mad you are with Him that your father died! How much pain you feel, and how much you miss your daddy! God is your other Daddy! The Loving and Eternal Father who takes over when our parents have passed. When our friends have abandoned us, those we fell in-love with have become exes, and those we trusted have betrayed us. He, our God, waits for us to come to Him; and He promises comfort to the broken and the brokenhearted. I testify to it, because it helped me. I lost my younger sister to lupus in May of 2019. I haven't gotten completely over that, but prayer brings me comfort; and I use my faith as a way to help others in pain and suffering. I use prayer, when I need answers to questions nobody can answer.
I'm not proselytizing; I'm sharing something you (we all) have but didn't think to use. I pray for your peace, and that God lifts your pain and grief. People all mean well, and they try so hard to comfort us in our grief; but only time helps us to come to terms with our losses. God speeds up our healing; because He takes care of us for our lost loved-ones. Your father is grieved, because he was capable of bringing out love in people for him. That is a gift from God. You will remember your father with love, because he taught you how. Take those memories and cherish them. Use what your dad taught you to mold your character and to reinforce your values. Ask God to heal your broken-heart, if you never ask Him for another thing. I guarantee He will answer. If you won't ask, I will ask Him for you. If you are an unbeliever, that doesn't matter. God is loving and forgiving, and I trust He will soothe your spirit and give you peace; just because I've asked Him to. He's wonderfully and infinitely kind like that.
God bless you, sweetheart. Your daddy is in a good place, and he still lives in your heart. Your love will keep him alive forever. God has a place for him, a place of rest and where there is no pain or sorrow. That place is promised to all of us. Contact your faith leadership, and seek prayer and counseling. Even the soul and spirit needs rest and nourishment. Not just the body. That comes from God.
You can ignore this if you want. I'll still pray for you and your loved-ones, as you process your grief.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2020): HiTry and have faith that your dad is still in spirit and guiding you, faith, religion call it what you like can carry you through anything. I do understand your hurt, this Christmas was very sad for me because my Father died this year in March, as did many peoples family members. We have to understand that death is part of life, and to cry is normal and yes! I can look at a photograph and feel a deep pain and but my faith is so strong that it heals the feeling. When we don't have faith, we face an empty abyss.You may well be traumatised by watching your father slowly slip away over the 8 week span, it is emotionally draining and hard to come back up from.It will get better, please try to stop revisiting in your mind his actual death, this will not help you move forward. Remember he would not want you to stand still and be so depressed 3 years later, make it about celebrating his life and letting go of painful memories that are about his death. Have faith that you will hug your father again one day but for now it is your duty to live a full life and achieve all your goals with a light heart, your love will never die or your memories.Wipe away your tears, sadly we all have too do this at some points i our life and move forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (27 December 2020):
 I am so sorry for your loss.
Everyone processed loss and grief in their own way and there is no "one size fits all" where these feelings are concerned.
Something I read once which resonated with me, and with which many people seem to agree, is that grief can be likened to a stormy sea. Sometimes it is still and relatively easy to live with while other times it washes over us in huge waves and makes us believe we are going to suffocate as we can see no way out. The times grief washes over us can be devastating and very frightening. The pain we feel can be physical as much as emotional. As time passes, the waves should decrease in size and intensity. The big waves should have increasingly longer time intervals between them. Personally I don't believe they ever subside completely. I lost my father when I was 20 and can still experience deep grief and sorrow 40 years later, usually triggered by a memory. I lost my mum 20 years ago and the grief I feel wash over me when I smell or see lilacs (her favourite flowers and the last flowers I took to hospital for her before she died) can make me feel like her death occurred yesterday.
Someone once said to me that grief is like a rock you carry around in your pocket. You slowly become accustomed to its presence in your life and learn to cope with it. Sometimes, however, it knocks against your leg and makes you cry. Then the bruise slowly heals again and you carry on.
Be kind to yourself. When times are difficult, remember whose daughter you are and stand proud. That is what your dad would have wanted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2020): I am so sorry.When my mom died also of cancer I cried daily for about ten years.I get it.After the ten years now I get a memory of my mom and smile.Sometimes I still cry but I smile more.It will take time to grieve.Never put a date on how long.It will take you as long as you need and you know what??That is ok.Someday you will have a wonderful memory and you will smile.Give yourself the gift of time.Time will help.It will get better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2020): Hi all,
I will try therapy again. @code warrior. I do not feel guilty about my father and I fighting. He was not always nice. But I didn’t not allow it as my sister did for example she would do something that my dad did not like he would then say your so stupid your retarted. Anytime I was around and he said those things I would say she is not stupid. My sister never talked back we were adults when he said such things. I would not all him to say such things to me. I didn’t stand for it. So he never did but I did something he did not like he’d fuss at me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 December 2020):
 I'm so sorry for your loss, OP
I wish I had some great way of helping you through it. I lost my mom over 10 years ago and I still have days where I miss her so much that it makes me hurt and cry. I accept that I have those days.
And time DOES help heal. Most times when I think of her, is reminded of her, see her pictures, I can smile and think of all the great memories I have of her.
It's OK to be sad, it's OK to have a sense of loss. Because you DID lose someone. At some point you have to ACCEPT that he is gone in person. Even though he will always BE with you in your heart. Sounds corny but it's true nevertheless. I don't cry often, so when I do, I give myself the "permission" to just let it out.
If there are places nearby that reminds you of your dad in a positive way, like a favorite park, beach then go for a walk there. Or journal. Write down what you miss about him. The good memories. Talk to your sister about him, if she is up for her.
You said you tried therapy. It's really not for everyone, but it is a good way to have SOMEONE to talk to who will just listen. Who won't judge. I'd say perhaps try it again if you feel stuck.
And remember this, no matter what, when you graduated, he was there with you. Half your DNA came from him. :)
Give him in a hug in your mind. And be kind to yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (27 December 2020):
 OP, I am sorry for your loss. You are relatively young to lose a parent, although it isn't easy at any age. I lost my father 6 years ago and I still miss him every single day and would give anything to hear his voice and hear him call me his pet name. He was my buddy and no one can ever take his place.
Its harder for you because you had to slowly see your father slipping away. My dad had a brain hemorrhage and went within 24 hours. What you went through was very stressful and very painful. I'm sorry. It couldn't have been easy to go through.
I also understand the loss of your boyfriend. My partner of 13 years broke up with me a month after my dad died. I didn't see it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I honestly couldn't believe it was happening, and he broke up with me 2 weeks before Christmas!!! So oh yes, I know the hurt you are feeling.
My advice is to get counselling. Its been 3 years and it doesn't sound like you are coping as well as you could be. Please go talk to someone, a counselor, your doctor, a minister..someone who can give you comfort and guidance. If you have family, perhaps they can give you comfort.
Time does help, I promise. It happens slowly and not overnight but eventually the pain isn't so strong and so overwhelming.
I always thought of things that my dad said or did that made me laugh. He was very funny and could make my sister and I laugh so hard we would cry. Whenever I feel sad I remember something he did or said (he used to make up songs for us and sing them) and the hurt isn't quite so deep. I also remind myself that he wouldn't want me to be sad but yet to be happy with the times that we had together as a family.
I will tell you that my pain was even more compounded because the day after his death, my mother, married to him for 53 years threw out of his belongings except the ones my sister could grab. She found her "first love" and moved in with him 3 months after my dad passed away. That hurt like hell. So not only was I grieving for my ex, my dad but my mom had "moved on". Let me tell you, it was a very rough first year after my dad died but I got threw it. I had to and you will get through it too.
Just remember the good things...and when a sad memory tries to come into, push it out with a good memory.
HUGS to you sweetie. Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You sound like a sweet daughter, I'm sure your father really loved you.
...............................
|
