A
female
age
41-50,
*rncssGrace
writes:How do you get away from a manipulator? My bf and I have been together over 2 years. Its long distance as he lives in the states. We met online and its definitely been a roller coaster from the jump. He's "cheated" on me with many other women online. Carried on relationships with them via txt or IMs. Pics were exchanged and graphic sexual talk as well. I found it all. Didnt leave him because he swore it'd never happen again(which THAT didnt) and he only loved and wanted me. The rpoblem is he keeps doing things behind my back that are shady. Including striking up a conversation with a girl off a concert advert on FB and asked her to meet him at the concert they were both going to. She blew him off at the event. But I found emails of him saying he would meet up with her again if he could since he "squandered that chance" He SWORE again it wasnt anything but someone to hang out with and he admitted it was wrong. *sigh* As I type this out I feel so much more pathetic.He makes things my fault if he can. Im unapproachable. Im a hypocrite, I dont follow the rules I set. Im abusive.(UH im not abusive im ANGRY!)But he NEVER walks. Never has any intention of leaving me. Wants to marry me and have my two sons and have kids of our own.(no thanks)The problem here is I KNOW i deserve so much more than this. I dont even love him anymore in a relationship way. I am so hurt and disgusted by him. But theres a want in me that idk what it is. My self esteem is in the toilet. I go to bed every night saying to myself that this is it! Im DONE! All i have to do is ignore his emails. Oh thats the other thing I've broken up with him over 200 times(he counts, and exaggerates) and he wont leave. He calls, emails, whatever. And he told me even if i leave he'll have to keep trying. So there is no......"ending" So i would have to just ignore him.Is there anyway he actually loves me? This is just a BAD situation isnt it? I just do not know how to get away. I dont.
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long distance, met online, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): There is an old saying that says something like: you have no business being in a relationship until you know how to end one. You have to kiss alot of toads to get to a right fit and you are just sticking with the first toad you find. It's long distance anyway so it's just a matter of not picking up the phone and getting out and about, staying busy.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Is there anyway he actually loves me?You had to get that one in at the end, didn't you? Because despite claiming to know better, you are still desperate for... well whatever "he loves me" means to you. It probably doesn't mean the same thing as to normal people.Until you can stop "needing" him, his manipulation, his possible love, you can't get away.Being an alcoholic is not just about the chemical substance, it is about the life style.You claim you deserve better... but what if you dumped this guy and went out there and found you couldn't? Isn't that a scary thought? That this is as good as it gets?Not likely but fear of change, of having to take accountability for yourself of making your own changes, that is scary as hell.Better to stick with what you got even if it sucks because "he might actually love me" is easier then going out there in the cold.Which is why most of us stick with bad things for far to long.When you realize that the risk of losing crap for a small chance of happiness is totally worth it. Then you can get away.
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A
female
reader, prncssGrace +, writes (8 April 2011):
prncssGrace is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to all for replying. I know I need to just get away and deal with the loss and move on. I guess the hurt comes from the fact that I am being used. But I've let it happen. Thank you Again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): I agree with "galaqueen" I think you need to be super strong here, it will be hard, but only for awhile. Cut all contact with this guy he is never gonna change, you will always be suspicious of his behaviour and have that sick churning feeling in your stomach that your being "had" this isnt good for you forget about him and move on.All the best.x
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Like you, I had also a 5 yrs relationship online but it didn't work. I loved but he didn't love me much but strung me along till I felt enough is enough. I made a decision to stop and JUST DO IT!
Make a decision now, a firm decision and just do it. Hurting but you will find relief, and it is the right thing to do.
Goodluck!
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 This is a long distance relationship.
Change your number and make your online accounts private.
He is done with.
If he decides to stalk you for real and find where you live, thats what a restraining order is for.
I don't think he would like to be jailed in a foreign country.
The way to get rid of a problem is to get rid of it.
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A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (8 April 2011):
I think you know the answer in your heart. You must cut off all contact with him in order to move on.That's ridiculous of him to think he can use you (yes he is using you). Meanwhile he plays around with other girls. That's the ultimate disrespect to you.Now listen, you are NOT PATHETIC!! I know what it's like to be burdened down with feelings for someone no matter how much pain they cause you. You can't help but pine for the past right? I've been there and it's not healthy. You end up praying and hoping for some sign that the person you once fell in love with will return.Does he live with you?? If not, then my advice is to cut it off. Maybe you need an AVO (or the American equivalent, restraining order) to make it clear he is to leave you alone.As for an ending...would you be prepared to accept and ending in the form of just telling him to leave you alone and then finishing like that?At least you aren't stringing him along. I've had a relationship where my ex would blow hot and cold and would behave in ways that suggested that I should leave, but then she would apologise for her bad behaviour. I gave up on her in the end even though I cared so much for her...
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