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female
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anonymous
writes: When we disagree, my boyfriend tends to get very angry and verbally agressive. I mean shouts, swears, uses insults, aggressive body language. he says things he knows will hurt me like ' i hate you' or sometimes threatens to leave me. he's a loving and gentle persn in other ways. he's easily hurt as well. i can read about how not to argue - don't shout, don't use personal insults, don't jab your finger at someone, don't say 'you always/you never' but if the other person breaks all those golden rules, how can you deal with it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 It is just a question of him having a short fuse, and a little immaturity really. 'I hate you' is the sort of thing 3 year olds shout at the chocolate counter when they are not getting their way. However you are right to identify this as verbal abuse, and threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way is a form of emotional abuse - he has control issues. He is probably overly sensitive and you both may rub each other up the wrong way. One approach is to just walk away when he is yelling at you - it stops you feeding him the negative attention he so badly craves in those situations by seeing you upset, or shouting back. If he spends time alone, he may reflect on how badly he is behaving and correct his ways. By withdrawing from the situation you are saying this is not acceptable behaviour.
Lets face it, the little boy in him shouting 'i hate you', probably responds to 'time out' on the naughty chair the way that infants do :-)
You should remain calm too during these verbal arguments as it reinforces the idea that his approach is not acceptable and you role-model how 'adults' should behave. When he says he is going to leave you, don't react to that emotionally - you should make it clear that he is free to leave at any point and that you are not going to stop him. Men with control issues often say that as it makes them feel that you are emotionally dependent on them, and couldn't possibly survive without them! If this is a persistent problem then maybe what you should be doing is leaving him because relationships cannot be sustained over a long period of time when you are always under attack at the slightest disagreement. By all means give him a chance to change, but don't forget that you have a basic right to be happy and not feel under fire all the time.
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