A
female
age
30-35,
*oldie22
writes:My step sister has a few problems that are getting seriously out of control for my parents. The first is that She is a uk size 22 now at the age of 16. She moved in with my mum and her dad (my step dad) because she cant get on with her mother who is a difficult person. My step sister was a large child so has always been a big girl. She was getting upset about her size and my mum took her to see the doctor who advised her to loose weight imediatly before it starts effecting her health.Our parents put her on a diet and everybody participated even though none of them needed to lose weight.This was 6months ago, shes been back to the docs and she hasnt lost anything. But she has since been complaining that she is the largest bridesmaid in my bridal party and got upset.So I no she isnt happy. I found wrappers in her room all over the place when she asked me to go in there to fetch homework to her school that she had forgotten. When my mum asked her what was going on she told her that she was getting it from friends in school.Or asking them to buy her stuff and she will pay them back She does little exercise, and spends most of her time in her room on facebook or reading and is extremely untidy in her apearance and with her stuff. She will sling dirty clothes all over her bedroom even though the basket is outside her room. She also keeps her bedroom in an unhygenic way with moldy things and other stuff that I dont like to mention. She goes to school looking like she hasnt brushed her hair dispite being asked to make sure to look presentable and often hasnt done her homework even though she is asked constantly if she has any. She has lovely clothes but keeps them in a dirty pile on her floor and just leaves them there waiting for my mum to fetch them, I took her shopping for new clothes and treated her to hair styling she just doesnt seem to care about looking after her self.She is a wonderful person and we tell her all the time how much we all love her and are trying to help her be healthyMy parents have talked to her and explained that being lazy doesnt have an excuse as they didnt let me get away with it. They have acknowleged that maybe she has self esteem problems and even offered to send her to a counciller for help with self esteem issues but she refused. My mum has asked me to have a word with her as she t live with them so I am not in her face all the time.I love my sister very much and so have kept out of it says she looks up to me and may listen and also I donso far because our parents are capable people and I didnt want to interfear or make her feel like she is being ganged up on. But it has got to the point where we are worried about her health and she is obviously not happy because she mentions the dislike of her size alot. I worry that she gets bullied in school for her scruffy apearance. Sadly we cant ask her mother for help as she doesnt seem to care that much. I hope I dont come across as judgmental my opinions are purely out of love and concernThe only thing I have said to her in the past is I wish you would take more care of yourself as a young lady, and she didnt like it very much. Do you think that an actual talking to from her big sis may do the trick? and how on earth do I talk to her about this!!! Im more worried about causing more harm! any advice?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 sounds like you are making progress... give her time do not push it... she has to come to the life changes herself.
A
female
reader, goldie22 +, writes (18 December 2011):
goldie22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your advice. My sis still is refusing to go to a counciler. We had that little chat tho.and atm it seems to be going a little better. I tried not to focus on her weight which she is the most touchy about, but i told her that it would be nice if she would visit me sometimes because id like to see her more, so she has been getting off the school bus early and coming over to my house once a week. Whilst here we cook ourselves.a meal together and she has been taking more of an interest in what goes into her food and has the same portion as me. I have alot of books about nutrition linked to beauty so she has been reading them and finding out what different types of food help your skin/hair/nails.and the way we feel. I took this as a very good thing and we are going to have a sleep over when the Mr is in work and do a detox night making all our own beauty products.
We also go through her homework, because she has actually been studying she got a B grade on her science paper which is the highest she got in years and she said it felt amasing.
I really hope.that this is a positive step. She hasnt lost weight yet, but im hoping that in time she will begin to see that there are other ways to live your life and start making more changes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2011):
I agree that she needs a medical work up to rule out depression or any other mental illness before moving forward with other suggestions.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 You can try your best with a pep talk....mainly I would be encouraging her to talk to a counselor. Assure her it's for her to get better and that they'll help her get to the point of happiness.
Other than her physical health, she needs some help when it comes to mental health. Once a qualified medical professional gets to the root of the issue on the inside, then they can help her love who she is on the outside.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 No it is clear that you are not judgemental. Off course you are worried about her. It is obvious she has very low self esteem and she just does not care about how her appearance is. She is extremely over weight so off course you and your parents are going to be worried. But it is such a tricky subject to bring up because of course deep down she is hurting and she does not want to be like this. But when someone tells her the truth my guess is that it will just make her more angry at herself which in turn will make her eat more for comfort.
Maybe try something that does not look like you are concerned for her. Maybe suggest that you both take up an activity. Something that will be fun yet it is exercise. Would she like maybe a dog. Maybe she could get a dog and go walking every evening with it. I think half of the battle would be to get her out of the house and active. Because the more she sits around the more she will eat and be miserable. Maybe you could suggest you both do something together so that it doesn't look like it is just for her benefit. Maybe go swimming.
When it comes to her being so lazy and her room being in that state well your parents just need to be more strict with her. They need to inspect her room and make sure she is taking care of it. Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind in life. Also they should do up a chore rota so that she is doing some of the house work as well. It will keep her busy and also it gets her on her feet. More family activities is also a good way of getting her active. Maybe getting her something like a wii console would be a good idea. Where everyone can join in. You can get all sort of fitness games for it which are also fun. Zumba is a good game for it which is quite active and if you both done it together you would probably have a laugh at it. Off course nobody can motivate her but herself but all you can do is try.
Ask your mother not to have any junk food in the house what so ever, I know that she can not control what she eats outside of the home, but just make sure she has no access to junk in the house. Make sure also her portion sizes are quite small yet nutritious.
In this case I really don't think you sitting her down and talking to her is really going to help I think it will just push her away if am honest. She already knows deep down that you are all worried about her. But your mother needs to be more strict on her and give her more responsibility. Her picking up her dirty clothes is not helping her. She needs to start doing her own washing and taking more responsibility it might also start giving her more motivation over her own life and be a benefit to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I would get her diagnosed if she is bi polar, borderline, or something that would be a chemical imbalance as that can be an indication of why she is unhappy and self destructive that she is not cleanly.
If Mom has a personality disorder- it can be genetic. So I would rule that out for sure, as well as get her counselling ASAP.
She clearly is unhappy and unable to reason and care for herself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): It seems like you have done absolutely everything you can, the only other thing I think might help is if you keep repeating these things, as it may take awhile for it to sink in. If you or someone in your family can help her stick to a diet and exercise regime just long enough for her to lose a little bit of weight, she might finally see that it is working and be motivated to start trying a bit more, and step by step, maybe make some real progress. The other possibility is that she might grow out of it as she gets alittle older. I was in a similar position when I was about 15-16, but when I started at University, I grew up alot and completely changed my whole outlook and started taking pride in my apperance and caring about my health for the better.
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