A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've taken a partner back after he had an affair - we are on a new road and taking back to our relationship. My problem is trust I keep looking in his phone and checking texts messages, this is my issue and I want to stop it. I recently sent a txt to one of his friends and my partner is obviously not happy that Im infading his privacy, neither am I. I would like it to work and I understand that trust is an issue.So my question is how do I stop looking for a problem when it isn't there?
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female
reader, tb0721  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Getting past the insecurities and trust issues is very hard. I too was cheated on and I continue to struggle with it and check his phone, internet, etc. Counseling would be a good start to work through it and if hes willing go for it. In time trust will be regained provided you dont find reasons to suspect the same problem occuring again. However, if he is aware of the obsession with checking up on him it could damage the relationship because if you are willing to try again you should forgive him, not forget but forgive. If you truly dont feel you have forgiven him its probably not the time to try over. When men cheat it affects us more than they understand but it also cant consume your life to feel the need to check his phone and messages as hard as that is. If you check them and you arent finding any reason to not trust him at this point then you will have to work harder within yourself and ask yourself why you continue to check when there is nothing there. Hopefully hes willing to do counseling and take you guys in the right direction to working through the past pain he caused. I wish you the best, its a tough position to be in.
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Unfortunately recovering after an affair is hard. Is it impossible? No. I agree with you that should not be invading his privacy, but I can understand why you feel you needed to. You were betrayed emotionally and you are most likely going to need your man's help in getting past it. It might be too hard for you to do on your own, which is fine.
One thing I would recommend is couples therapy. If you can, try to find a therapist that has experience in helping couples through your specific issue. I know many people don't believe in counciling/therapy but it does work. You will have some sessions together and some apart. It's a way for you two to work out your problems in a neutral atmosphere.
I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): An affair is an extremely devastating, tragic, overwhelmingly emotional ordeal to just survive through - let alone recover from. That type of betrayal coming from someone you have loved and trusted so deeply can be unbelievably shattering in an enormous amount of way's. The shock some people go through from discovering their partners affairs can be so powerful that it can easily lead to a syndrome called, "Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome"; Which is a level of shock that is extremely difficult -if not impossible- to move on from. You're partner has just put you through a type of heartache that nobody should ever have to go through. The fact that you were even willing to take him back, should have him kissing the ground that you walk on. He needs to give you every right in the world to access his phone, his computer, his personal things –anything you want of his - with no questions asked, and NO eyebrow’s raised. He needs to know that he and HE ALONE has caused you to be suspicious. He took something from you that you can never ever get back. HIS affair has demolished you of your innocent ability to love and trust a person completely. What he has done will forever alter that capability you once had, not only with him, but that goes for any other person you may have relationships with. If by going through his things keeps you assured that he is staying -on the up and up- then that is just not only what he is going to have sacrifice, but he should be DAMN happy to do so. He has lost the privilege of having privacy from you. He might get it back within time... In YOUR time NOT IN HIS TIME- But, until then, he needs to be doing all that he can to prove to you that he is staying faithful to you. No matter what it is that reassures you of his fidelity, he should be more than happy to offer it up no questions asked. Once a cheater / always a cheater... That's the way the story goes, but luckily it isn't always the case... Relationships do survive infidelity; For some it even strengthens the bond they once had, falling in love deeper than they ever were before. But unfortunately, for the majority of cheaters, they just can't seem to change their ways, and that is why they get this wrap... An excellent way to know if you have a Man like that is...By their refusal to do what it takes to prove that he is staying faithful. Even his mere annoyance with it can be proof enough that he may still be doing the hokey pokey behind your back.. Suggesting that YOU are the one who needs to learn how to move on and "GET OVER" your suspicions... HE is the one that has his work cut out for him - NOT YOU. And if this is something that he isn't willing to do and or acts like it's too hard - Honey, you need to get the smack hell out of there and find a Man that you DESERVE!! God Bless you Sweet Girl, you are stronger than I think YOU know!
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