A
male
age
41-50,
*yersd
writes:I have been going out with this girl for eight months. We have much in common and have had lots of great times during this period. Sure we have had our downs and well, and a few arguments along the way. We pretty much hit it off from the first date, and there was definate chemistry and attraction on both sides.When we first met I was pretty independent and did loads of sports, went out with friends, did my own stuff etc... I was pretty confident.As the relationship went on, I began doing less of my things, and more or less relying on spending time with her to make me happy. This led me to pretty making her the centre of my universe.I know that this put pressure on our relationship and that I became more and more needy and clingy. A few weeks ago she said she wanted to break up as she did not think things were right. We both had a few days to think about things before confirming the break up. I certainly did not break up, but she had a "gut feeling" that we should.I'm not convinced that she knows exactly why she wanted to break up or she did not want to tell me the real reason. The reason why I believe this is when she said that we had nothing in common, we do not like the same music. This is not true, but it is so superficial, and almost irrelevant when we share the same life aspiration, values and attitudes to many things. We have some differences but many of them compliment each other. One of her other reasons which is true, is that I was suffocating her and became too clingy. Following break I recognise this to be true, and have identified why I changed into this needy person. I have put things in action to get back myself, and have started all the sports I used to do. Got back in touch with some friends I have not seen for a while, and am much more happy with myself. I told her I intend to change this as I do not like this behaviour but she said she was not convinced I could change.Her other reason and I think this is a common issue amongst us men, is that when there were things that were on my mind, about me or otherwise, I would want to talk about them with her, but she would either say or give off a signal that she was not ready to talk about them. I would get this signal but basically continue to badger her, and want to talk about the issue in order to resolve it. I was pretty much reacting in a way that I would react in the circumstances, despite knowing that she behaves differently when things are on my mind. Again I recognise this error and am clear that I need to react to people in a way that is appropriate to them and not me.I still love this girl and I know she loves me too. I know now that I do not need her to be happy, but I want to be with her, and be happy with her. She is not and should not be the centre of my universe. Obviously I have gone back to the person I feel I was when we started dating, but I have done so a wiser man.So I contacted her last night, and she sounded surprised to hear from me, and said she was surprised to hear from me. I was a little nervous at first, almost like my first phone call her eight months ago. We spoke for a while about what we have each been up to recently. We laughed a little, and the conversation was pleasant and relaxed. I asked her if she would like to meet up over the weekend. She said she could not as she was going down to see her parents (which is true as I remembered when she said it that she had that planned already). She asked why. At first I was a little vague as to why, and then I said that I wanted to talk about us. She then suggested we meet up next Wednesday for dinner.So to my questions: How do I prove that I am on the road to changing back to the person I was when we first started going out?How do I approach our meeting next week?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): She is just giving herself sufficient thinking time, and that will vary from person to person. Maybe she is waiting until she really feels she has made the right decision, for her and for both of you. Perhaps she wants to save the drama of breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together... which happens with some couples and can be a bit of a roller coaster. Obviously she's been missing you, she wouldn't have told you those things if she didn't mean them. The situation could go either way. Meanwhile keep focusing on yourself and what you've been doing, to build that strong foundation in yourself, you may be glad for the extra time. At least you've learned a valuable lesson. Sounds like you have made some real progress, so happy for you!!
A
male
reader, myersd +, writes (22 October 2010):
myersd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo an update...We arranged to meet up a few days ago, after a couple of weeks from when we broke up. We broke off all contact until a few days before we met up.
When we met the chemistry was still there (at least from what I can observe). We had a lovely dinner in a nice restaurant, and during coffee, I told her how I have changed some of the aspects in my life, in particular that I have started doing many of the things I used to do, and see that was the cause of my clingyness. In the beginning I used to have a packed social life playing sports, going out with friends etc... then around three months in I stopped doing any of them so I can spend as much time as possible with her. This was the foundation of many if not all of the problems we have had in our relationship.
I have spent some time over the past few weeks getting my life back in order, and have felt much happier despite my love life being a bit of a car crash!
At the end of what I said I asked her if she wanted to start afresh, knowing that we both love each other, and as a result of the split have realised how we can rectify the issues.
She said she could not answer on the night, and thus we got into the "thinking phase" again! Throughout the night I was just feeling that she was just waiting for me to say or do something to cause her to re-consider us getting back together. Thus why I asked her to start afresh.
At the end of the night she drove me back to the train station, and I kissed her goodnight on the cheek then she told me she loved me and missed me loads and kissed me. I did not expect that! I then gave her a DVD of the photos of us which included some new ones from our recent holiday, and gave her a kiss.
That was Wednesday night and I have not heard nothing yet. I am this time more calm about waiting for her answer, and am not anxious like I was before when she asked for time to think. Of course I am still curious and do wish she would just let me know one way or another.
My aim was to go to dinner to either get closure or agreement to start again. I got neither, but came away satisfied in a way!
I am not 100% sure which way she will go, but with my life not revolving around her, I feel more comfortable that either way will not kill me! I did not feel like this the last time we had the thinking time.
So do you think this time she will want to try again? What was the kiss and "I love and miss you" all about?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): You sound like a really nice guy. I can identify as some of those things have happened to me, maybe for different reasons. Firstly you can only show/prove/lead by example. If you continue to do the things you're now doing again, she will SEE that you have changed. What happened was beneficial for you and taught you more about yourself, your needs and who you want to be in a relationship. You must always retain a sense of self and 'other' to the person you are with.
When you see her tell her your realizations and who you want to be in the relationship and how you feel about her. Taste in music etc. are somewhat superficial (depending on the music/movies/books and how you connect with them and what they say about you). It's nice to share these things, but you can still do that and it can be more interesting when you can introduce each other to new things, rather than liking all the same things all the time - boring! You can open each others minds :) Aspirations, values, direction, attitude, morals etc. are what's really important and what essentially and inevitably your relationship will hinge on.
If she doesn't want to continue the relationship then by 8 months you haven't invested too much to move on. I wish you luck. Hope I have helped :)
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