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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm don't know how to resolve an ongoing issue with my dad. He and I haven't been that close for many years. He left us just before I started gradeschool and he started a new family. He was a fun guy for me when I was a kid, but then he changed very abruptly and became someone else in how he behaved once he got remarried. It wasn't a good change.We go for most of the year not talking or seeing one another. Once a year is the norm for us. He avoids me because I do believe he feels guilty. He has said he feels guilty. I avoid him because being near him makes me feel bad about myself. He seems ashamed and thinks he's 'responsible' for how I turned out. He talks trash about my mom's side of the family (ironic since they mainly say good things about him), and it's funny how he takes credit for how I am when he wasn't around at all for most of my life. He thinks I would be a great person if he had been around instead of my mom raising me, but the kids he raised are actually having way more problems in life that I seem to be having. He always was policing my weight and complexion when I was a kid. He didn't care about the other things, just the looks. When I was a teenager and had grown out of the ugly ducking phase, he would compliment me on my appearance, and not much else. His general view of women falls along that line. As long as you are hot, then who cares about all of the other deficits of your life. If you are a little fat, or have too many physical flaws, or your personality is not compliant enough, everything else in your life no longer matters because no one will love a flawed woman. This is the message I get from him and his perspective regarding women.He seems ashamed of me because I'm not perfect. I'm not a 'high paid' anything and some people find me attractive, but I do not believe he sees me as living up to his high standard, and I personally don't want to die trying to live up to it, so I don't, especially as I get older. I think he wishes he hadn't made me with a 'flawed' woman (my mom--she could gain weight from time to time and she couldn't do things right like 'wrap presents correctly' and she sucked because she wanted to be connected to friends and her family, and have a life outside of serving his domestic needs etc). So he feels guilty when he sees me. I feel ugly and defective when I'm around him. I also feel guilty though to avoid him when he now knows I've moved back to the town where both sides of my family live. Since I moved back, he and I went out once, and it was just the same as usual. Him looking at me with some type of repulsive pity and me trying not to try too hard to sell myself to him, and feeling ashamed of myself in a way. Then he always says he will call 'next week' and he even makes up what we'll do next. I say okay, but I know it won't happen because he won't call and it will be up to me to call even though he said he would. I know I should follow up, but it just feels better to not have him in my life, even though I feel guilt about it. Whenever I see him around the holidays, he initially gets excited and offers me a room in his house (I am not homeless), money, anything I want. I don't need or want things like that from him. He obviously must love me, but it still doesn't do anything positive for me to be around him anymore.How do I resolve this? Do I tell him how I feel? Will that just make our relationship worse? I don't think he would give me honest feedback. He has a severe case of ostrich-head-in-the-sand. I think it hurts him that I do not call him and I think he has little idea why I avoid him, even when we're now living 5 miles away from one another.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): I posted the question.
Thanks so far for your input. My dad would be sad to see that one of his 'heroes', Cary Grant, doesn't glean a good impression of him, at least as I have described him here.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 One of the things our society does is give us an idealized image of what our parents are supposed to be like. Some lucky folks have parents close enough to that 'ideal' that they avoid having 'issues.' Most of us are not so lucky.
Part of my picture of a 'good' parent is someone who builds you up. They're the greatest cheerleader for your life. Oh, they'll offer constructive criticism when it's merited, and provide discipline when it's necessary, but overall they believe in you and help you to understand your qualities -- particularly those below the surface.
The picture you paint of your father is neither flattering or appealing. He doesn't lift you up, doesn't offer constructive advice, doesn't leave you feeling better about yourself. Your 'relationship' sounds like it's more about him than you. And it doesn't really sound like there's much scope for him to change at this point.
If you were able to overlook that because you essentially valued contact with him, that would be fair enough. But I get the sense you stay in touch with him because it's something your 'supposed to do.' His manner doesn't life you up, it brings you down -- you feel "ugly and defective."
At some point all of us have to make a decision about what kind of people we want in our lives. You're old enough now that that decision can include your father. If you choose to not contact him, do so with a clear conscience. If you choose to stay in contact, do so on *your* terms so as to minimize the toxic nature of his presence.
I'm sorry you ended up with such a poor example of a father. Take pride that you seem to have turned out pretty well despite him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 February 2010):
This is a truly sad situation to be in. My mother spend the first 27 years of her life being emotionally abused by her parents. Her Dad was a drunk, her mother would just scream at her. In the end, she cut contact, and has said that she has always been better for it. I'm not going to tell you to do that, only you can make that choice. Look at your life. You have turned out perfectly fine, for all he says. He has a go at your mother, yet he was never there for you like she was. He goes on about your looks, and how you've failed. You haven't failed at all, and I'm sure there is nothing wrong with your appearance. He isn't even really there now for you. My own father isn't really ever there for me either and I tend to just put it to the back of my mind. Sometimes, we have to make difficult choices in our lives, and not always does it turn out as we want it to. But it can turn out to be a choice that leads to better things. Your father is the only person who brings this negativity to your life. It might be worth telling him how you feel. But if nothing changes, for your own sake you might be better off writing a letter to him, then cutting contact.
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