A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:??A friend of mine that I’ve know for over 20 years recently separated from her husband- she was struggling to find somewhere to live so she asked if she could move in with me and my family for a month until she found somewhere. She has no family to help out- her parents both died and her sister lives abroad. We have a spare bedroom and both my husband and I agreed she could move in temporarily. At first it was working out well but now (almost 3 months later) things are becoming a bit difficult. She works from our home- which is fine. My husband works full time on site, so he’s always back home late evenings and I work part time in an office 20 minutes away as we have a 5 year old son so I do the school run.My friend doesn’t pitch in to help at all- we agreed she didn’t have to pay us anything at all - she could live with us free of charge as she was strapped for cash but part of the agreement was that she helps with the housework and we have a dog that we pay my neighbor who is a dog walker to walk him every morning and we agreed my friend would do this instead and then I would do the later walks. At first she was really helpful - house was tidy, she’d get up early to dog walk but as the weeks went on she became lazy, finding excuses not to help - telling me her back hurt or she had a migraine to get out of walking the dog, so I’m back paying the dog walker.The house is now always a mess- especially her bedroom. She doesn’t put things away after she uses them, her stuff is everywhere in the house (not neatly put away) etc… I can’t keep tidying up after her- I have a job and child and dog to look after meanwhile apart from her working 9-5-all she does is lounge around watching tv or going out with some other of her friends. I keep asking if she’s had any luck finding somewhere to rent and each time she gives me various excuses. I’ve even gone online and found her some suitable places for her to contact. I want her out, I want my house back but I have no idea how to approach the situation without upsetting her. She’s overstayed her welcome and has nowhere else to go. I don’t want to appear nasty but she’s creating me a lot of stress -she has enough money now for a deposit and rent. I don’t want to ruin a lifelong friendship but I’ve seen a completely different side to her these past few months. I gave her the benefit of the doubt as she was going through separation but now I think she’s using us. How do I politely ask her to leave without ruining this friendship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2023): Well, your post is a great indication that you've reached your threshold of endurance, and now you're about to meet your saturation-point.
I commend your kindness and generosity; a rarity in these days and times, when people are generally selfish or opportunistic.
I like reading the responses of all the aunts, uncles, and anonymous readers who contribute opinions. It gives me insight and broadens my own perceptions and viewpoint on life. It makes for some good reading, I must say!
She is invoking her privileges and cashing-in on being a longtime-friend; and taking advantage of your inability to use tact and diplomacy to negotiate and rectify problems. You see being direct, assertive, or forceful as cruelty. You pretend to have supernatural patience. It is cruelty when you wait until you have lost all control, and blow a gasket! When you've allowed yourself to be pushed to the brink, and then over the edge; until you can no longer control your temper. That's when all sorts of words are exchanged in a rant of frustration, and a fit of rage; that will with no doubt end the friendship on the worst of terms. She will no doubt finally hit that final nerve.
You are no longer being nice or generous. You are now being cowardly. If you have a better word for it, correct me. You came here for straightforward advice, not all of it will be sugarcoated. I think you also wanted a push. You are not being mean for reclaiming your home and privacy. Convince yourself. I never suggest people be cruel or nasty. If you wait too long, and she pushes the wrong button, you may finally lose-it!
To put it simply. Girlfriend, she is taking advantage of your good-nature and hospitality; and lost respect for you months ago. She is officially a squatter. Why do you think she chose you, and not one of her other friends?
We don't really need to advise you. You needed a good place to vent. Just let human-nature go through it's phases, and you will reach the point when you and your husband are fed-up.
I believe anger is a poor substitute for courage, but sometimes it's what gets the results you want. I think you lost your friend a long time ago; when she lost respect for you for being a pushover. You mentioned she hangs out with her other friends. Do you ever wonder what they talk about? How come not one of them have ever offered to take her in? Did they know something you and your husband didn't know about her?
I think this will be over soon. Will you please comeback and update us? Best of luck, my dear!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2023): She won't leave untill YOU yell het to leave.
I helped out my cousin on several occasions, and à dear childhood friend.
They both said they were going to stay gor "2 months", my cousin stayed for over à year and à friend for 3 years.
My cousin stopped talking to me after I pllitely asked her to move out.
My friend and I are still friends! Very close friends.
So I KNOW that asking someone to leave is hard but it's not your fault. You helped her out.
I wouldn't mention how she didn't stick to her end of the agreement when it comes to house chores. I would just say that her initial agreement was for a month and that's it.
She will not leave otherwise. Trust me. Why would she? First and foremost she is not alone while she's staying with your family. Secondly she is saving money bu staying with you and in her position it means a lot.
Anyway, I did it TWICE and lived to tell the tale.
The more you wait the worse it will be, because you are going to accumulate more and more bad things to think and say about her.
Both my friend and my cousin didn't pay for anything! Except for their own food. But they didn't pay their share of bills. So as I said I know how this feels.
Do it and you'll feel better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2023): My wife invited her sister and her sister’s 7 year old son to live with us after she got a divorce and had no place to go. She was living off child support which was nowhere near what it should have been because she is too nice and/or lazy to fight for what was hers. The idea was that eventually she find a job and move out. Well, she ended up staying with us for more than 2 years. To say she overstayed her welcome would be an understatement. She would get up really early in the morning and wake us up. She brought her cats and they would fight with our cat to the extent they had to be kept separate. She ran the heater constantly and our electric bill was sky high. She would take long baths in the evenings occupying the bathroom despite us only having one bathroom to share. She never offered to pay us. Sometimes she did some chores for us but mostly not. She took a job that was an unpaid position (volunteer) and turned down a paid one because it conflicted with her son’s school schedule and she didn’t trust anyone else to watch him on those days. Long story short, my wife and I kept dropping hints to her like you are doing. It didn’t work. One day my wife snapped and said “You need to get out! It has been more than 2 years!” Her sister’s response was “It didn’t seem that long.”That day my wife went to work and her sister came to me and asked what to do. I told her she had better leave. She gave me $200, packed up her car, and left to her mom’s house in another state. She left a lot of her stuff behind which became another problem but that’s out of scope. When it was all said and done I wished we had been more forceful sooner. Within a year she had a full-time job again and was living on her own. It was better for us and for her. Any advice is to just tell your friend she has until such and such date and then she has to go. If you and your husband need to play good cop/bad cop (you can be the good cop sympathetic to her and blame him) then so be it but don’t let it drag on like we did.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 January 2023):
 Contact Citizen's Advice for how to evict someone. You probably don't have to file eviction papers as there is no rental agreement or money involved, thus she probably can't claim tenant's rights, but still call and check for sure.
She what you need to do if you have someone staying who refuses to leave.
Then you need to sit her down and tell her that she has 2 weeks or 30 days (up to you) to find a room to rent elsewhere. That this is no longer a viable option for her to stay with you.
If you LOSE the friendship over this, SO be it.
She isn't doing HER part of the bargain, she is totally taking advantage of you.
There is no need for tip-toeing around she is BANKING on you being a NICE person so she can drag this out.
The "NICE" way to TELL her (not ask) is to do it clearly and concisely.
Give her 14 days or 30.. up to you) and make NO excuses as to why. Remind her that you AGREED to 1 month, and it's been 3. Time to go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 January 2023):
 Why are you worried about upsetting her? She is not affording YOU the same courtesy, using your home as a doss house. She is getting free lodgings (and board presumably?) but can't even be bothered to keep her own stuff tidy or walk your dog. She is taking the proverbial - and you are enabling her. I understand some people don't like confrontation, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Perhaps you can face her together, with your husband, so she can see you are both serious about this?
Sit her down and give her a time limit by which you need to have your home back to yourselves. If you really don't want to upset her, then say something along the lines of "Look, we were more than happy to help you out for a few weeks, but this has now turned into months, which isn't what we envisaged or agreed to. We are a family and we do need our own space." Give her a reasonable time to find somewhere else and to move out. I would say a month is more than reasonable. She can always go and sponge off the friends she goes out with.
If she falls out with you over this, then will it really be such a big deal? She is not being your friend by using you in this way. Be strong. Reclaim your territory.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (13 January 2023):
 A classic example of being the perfect housemate in the beginning then becoming messy and lazy onece she has got her feet firmly under the table.
She has got used to paying no rent, and doing absolutely nothing around the house and being waited on hand and foot, and she is taking advantage of your kind generous nature.
You were there for her in her time of need, you gave her shelter and a chance for her to get over her marriage break up. You offered her a room, and this set up was only supposed to be on a temporary basis. Unfortunately in these cases its very hard once someone gets comfortable to move out. At the end of the day you are not her parents, and you really are not obligated to have her at your house any longer than the temporary arrangement that you both agreed on.
Sometimes in life we have to be cruel to be kind, the situation as it is now can't go on any longer, you know it, and she knows it. But i feel if you don't step up to the plate and tell her enough is enough then this will go on for ever.
She works, she has a job, so she is earning money. there is nothing stopping her from looking a renting a place, or flat share. The problem is she is comfortable where she is living rent free, and not lifting a finger. But you and i both know this is not the real world, as does she.
By your own admission this situation is causing you a lot of stress, and that she has enough money to live somewhere else.
Come on OP, you need to sit her down and tell her enough is enough you need to move out, and maybe give her a couple of weeks to sort herself out. There is no reason why your friendship should be affected, you were the one who helped her in her time of need after all and gave her shelter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2023): You are too polite. You keep on about how you must be kind and polite, she takes advantage and plays on it. She does not give a hoot about being fair, keeping promises, doing her share and walks all over you. Wake up. Stop being so polite and say it as it is.
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