A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm sat here in tears thinking over the events of yesterday and I really just need someone to listen and I would welcome any sort of advice on how to move on...By way of a brief introduction I'm 27, single mother, working part-time with my mums business and also teaching a few dance classes every week. I know I'm not the brightest star out there but I've always been pretty happy with myself.Three years ago I met a wonderful man, he was everything I could ever have wanted in a partner. He's very handsome, charismatic, intelligent, charming, earns a lot of money and most importantly he treated me like an absolute princess. Our relationship was never really serious, I fell hard for him but whilst he admitted that he liked spending time with me I was worried he'd never fall in love with me. We continued seeing each-other on a casual basis for a number of month (not exclusively and never really 'dating' - basically we just had sex) but it all faded after he had to re-locate for work. We didn't really speak for over two years. One day, a couple of months ago now, I heard from a mutual friend that he was moving back - as you can imagine I got really excited and couldn't wait to see him again. I gave him a call and just hearing his voice brought everything back again. He told me that yes, he was moving back and he was bringing his fiancée with him!!I didn't even know that he was seeing anybody!It's been two months since they moved here and I've meet his fiancée several times now. It absolutely kills me to see them together because he's so doting and loving towards her and never even notices me anymore. To makes matters worse she's absolutely stunning, I'm not talking cute or pretty, she's absolutely gorgeous and all my mates agrees.Now what's really upset me (I haven't been able to stop crying since I heard it) was what happened last night.I was out with a couple of my girlfriends and we had got all dressed up and I thought I looked quite pretty. The bar we went to is a really popular place and as it turns out he was there with his fiancée and their 'group'. Everything was fine until some guy (I have no idea who) and his mates started talking really loudly about this girl one of them had met earlier that day. Nothing really interesting about that until one of them said really loudly for everyone to hear ' SO IS SHE A CLARA OR A JESSICA THEN?!'Sorry, that doesn't make any sense for you guys does it...Basically my name is Jessica and the finacées name is Clara - these guys were using us to measure the hotness of this other girl. Clara being super hot and I (apparently) being the complete opposite.Every one was looking at these guys (including the guy I love, his fiancée and their group). This guy went on to say really loudly that the girl they were talking about was 'No Clara but definitely at least three up from a Jessica'. I've never been so hurt or humiliated in my life! I ran off to the bathroom (crying) and I was told later that Clara had approached these guys and told them that they were complete dicks and basically ordered them to leave. If this had happened ten years ago it would have been fine but I'm a bloody adult now and I don't know how to handle this bullying! I'm completely embarrassed and really hurt by the whole thing. It doesn't help that Clara is half my size, two years younger, with a PhD and a very successful career, I feel like a complete failure and I'm now convinced that I may quite possibly be the ugliest girl in town... What should I do?!
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 October 2009):
 Wow that is brilliant that your ex put the plebs straight and the fact that Clara wants to invite you out for dinner with the girls is a lovely gesture.
If you really don't feel up to it, then send a note with a few flowers and say thanks but on this occasion I can't make it but would love to any time in the future. However, if I was you I would try and make the effort, even if you feel sick to your stomach with nerves before you went, sometimes we need to take the plunge in order to move on and you could potentially miss out on someone who could turn out to be a good friend. You could always ask if one of your female friend's could go as well so that you have some extra moral support. Just a thought and one for you to mull over, it would also show an inner strength in you if you went so that you hold no malice and you are a better and bigger person in spirit to say 'what the hell, why not'. I know sometimes that I never want to go out with friend's because they are all couples but when I get there I have a great time and even seeing the guy I used to like and his girlfriend can be hard but it is also cleansing in a way.
Like I have said before you just haven't met YOUR prince charming yet and who knows either Clara or one of her friend's might already know him and could introduce you as he could be a male friend of there's for all you know!!! lol Worth a shot eh!
When we are not looking, we often find.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful words of support.A day makes all the difference and I feel so much better now. The guy that shouted those things (I found this out earlier today) knew my name through one of the other guys that went to Uni with my little sister... why he felt the need to humiliate me like that I'll probably never know.Some interesting updates though!I had a call from Gabriel (the guy I have feelings for), apparently he had followed these guys out after Clara had a go at them and told them (in no uncertain terms) to keep their mouths shut in the future. Gabriel is a big guy, ex special forces and now a body guard, so I very much doubt they'll ever trouble me again.He also said that Clara wanted to invite me to a dinner with 'the girls' next week if I felt like going. I'm not sure I will go, might potentially be a bit awkward but it still feels great that they both went out of their way to help me. I guess she's not the evil bitch I had pictured and they really do make a wonderful couple. Feeling a bit lonely but I will hold out on finding my own prince charming instead.Thank you all for your support!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 Wow how old were those guys? Like 5 years old? Or at least they had the maturity level of some 5 year old. Sure they meant to hurt you ( for whatever reason, usually because they saw you as an easy target).
As far as your ex and his new dreamy girlfriend. It happens. There will always be someone out there taller, or skinnier, prettier, smarter, snappier dressers, more artistic.... you name it they exist :) Let it go.
From how SHE reacted at least your ex is dating a girl with some sense and some morals.
We can't all be Heidi Klum or Marilyn vos Savant ( women with the highest IQ in the world) But you can be the best YOU. I am willing to bet that there are things you are much better at.
I was never the pretty girl. I was the funny one. The crowd comic. Most guys found me highly approachable, but only to see how they could "score" with my prettier girlfriends. Until I met my first love. All he noticed was me.
That will happen to you too. Stick with your own strong points. Love those for a start, then move on to the rest of you. There is really more to a person then look.
As for those guys? Ignore them. Dry your eyes dress to the nines and go out and have fun. Words can only hurt you if you bother listening. And really who wants to listen to little stupid boy? ( other then their mommy's?)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Nothing they were horrible, and I am glad to hear that Clara went and told them off, it shows that she is a good person. Ignore them.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (27 October 2009):
Oh sweetheart you have totally had your confidence knocked and believe me I know how that feels.
I am overweight and not feeling my best anymore so I must admit this Clara sounds to me like she is a decent woman under the surface and you have been completely blown away by the fact that your ex is now engaged to her and has moved back into your town.
Men are dicks and the ones who were out comparing notes were thinking with one thing and one thing only.
You are not the ugliest girl in town and don't you believe it for one second. No one can control who they fall for and that is just a fact of life I'm afraid.
I really liked someone who is a dad at my daughter's school and now a widow, I went all tingly when I first met him and he is a wonderful man, I am the complete opposite to the normal women he is attracted to, tall, thin and blond. Me on the other hand is 5ft 4in tall, certainly not thin more on the seriously overweight scale and not blond, well have some highlights but there you go that is the nearest to the comparison I am ever going to get. I really liked him for so long and he has ended up with someone he has known for years and has the full criteria that he normally goes for. However much it hurt me to see them together at the beginning or even now, I truly understand that he is happy and he has had to face so much having twin boys and losing the love of his love at such an early age (38).
The funny thing is I really like the woman he is with and she is so right for him, forget the looks or the figure or anything else, they fit well together and she knows him so well.
I know I have the hang ups about myself and that is something that I have to address, no one else and the same goes for you sweetheart.
You need to start believing in yourself again and you have so much to be proud of believe me. You are a single mum and every day you have so much more to cope with than anyone else, I know I walk in similar shoes to you (so to speak).
Believe me whether it happened today or 10 years ago, the comments those men made was not acceptable and never should be to anyone. They are demeaning and derogatory and they are spineless.
If you were confident enough and exuded enough confidence you could have gone right up to them and looked them in the eye and said yes but at least I don't have to think with what is in my trousers or not as the case may be!!!!! Well something witty that maybe your friend's could have come up with as I am not the quickest on come back lines.
Don't let some morons put you down, they probably knew that you were listening and got some cheap thrill out of trying to rub your nose in the fact that this girl Clara was there with your ex. If they weren't out to be spiteful they wouldn't have said it that loudly, either that or it was a put up job in some way or a dare.
Regardless of whether Clara has a PhD or not is not the question and her age and her looks.
You are every bit a wonderful, gorgeous woman who has got so much going for her but just doesn't realise it right now. You need to believe in you again and that comes with time and feeling good about yourself.
You have experienced a shock recently with your ex moving back in town and having someone new in his life and now the fact that he is engaged as well. That is a lot to take in for anyone especially when you used to connect before. However, it was NEVER a full on relationship and you were both getting something out of it which was sex at the end of the day. Just try and draw a line under it and NEVER just settle for that in the future, you are worth so much more than just being a sex buddy unless that is something you want to do.
Your child looks to you for guidance and now you have to dig deep inside of yourself and exude the confidence that I know you have in you but you just need to find it again.
You are still young and you have the whole world at your feet. Plan something good that you can look forward to, whether that is a weekend away with the girls or a night out in a different town where you are not going to run into morons. Also think about doing something that you haven't tried before like a bit of salsa dancing with a friend or going to the gym and if ever you feel like you need to stand up for yourself maybe you could knee them where it hurts because you will have the strength and confidence to handle yourself. I don't always say take violence as an easy route but you know what I mean.
Think about how you can improve your confidence and think about things that motivate you.
You are a mum and that is one of the hardest jobs in the world so NEVER forget that eh!
You can always go back to college or do a part time course from home if your time is limited or money is not free flowing, believe me I am looking into doing something very soon. My daughter is 8 and a half and I know that if I want to make her proud I will need to do something about the way I look and feel about myself and what my future holds for me and her. I am thinking of doing a course that could take me into a completely different direction career wise.
We are never too old to try something new, I know that and I am 44 so you have so much more to try in life. There is a guy out there who is right for you, you just haven't met him yet that's all. Hiding away at home won't find him either, remember that OK.
Just take baby steps each day and remind yourself that you are a good person, with a good heart and you are fabulous. If you don't believe it though you cannot exude that and when someone is truly strong in mind and body, they give off such a wonderful feeling that others can see it and they want to be close to that person. However, if you see someone who is unhappy and doesn't enjoy their life you tend not to see so many people crowding around that person.
Believe in yourself first and foremost and others will follow. Do it for yourself and then for your child as they look up to you for guidance.
Keep us posted OK, and the tears are negative, play yourself some songs that inspire you and start to read things that can help you believe in yourself. Maybe even consider seeing a life coach or someone along those lines - depending on funds etc. Even one session could be a help or a hypnotist to help you with your subconscious as that controls us a lot of the time.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I'm absolutely horrified to hear this. Do you know those guys? If you do abuse the heck out of them, dont let them get away with it.
They are arseholes plain and simple and as I always says "opinions of arseholes dont matter because their opinions are always shit" (Im sorry to be so vulgar)
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