A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay - I have just met a really great guy. But its all very new and I have only had 3 dates with him. But he seems like a really great guy - very genuine and very sweet and funny. Anyway he did mention that he had to go away for 3 weeks abroad on business and he is now going away on Monday. Also - I haven't been able to see him this week as he is incredibly ill - he has a virus and is trying to get better before he goes away. But he has been texting daily saying that he is sorry that he can't come round and of course I want to see him before he goes away and will be dissaponted if I don't. But I just don't feel I can put any pressure on him as he feels so rotten so am just asking how he is and making general chit chat. I don't feel like he is playing me at all but I guess how can I be sure that he is being genuine - if he is away for 3 weeks - what signs should I be looking out for that he does wants to see me when he gets back??I guess I am just paranoid that he may just be playing me and I have no wish to let him string me along for 3 weeks - I just don't want to be waiting for someone if there is nothing in it.But then he is giving me no reason for me think that he is nothing but genuine!!!Ahhhhh - am so confused - please help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous for sharing your experiences with me - it just goes to show that all your intentions can be in good faith but you just don't know whats going on with him!!!
Well - my guy came around last night and he looked so unwell. He is basically very run down from work and the doctor has basically said slow down. So - he has a virus and has been on antibiotics so he wasn't lying about being ill which is a good thing :-)
We had a lovely evening - just curled up and watched tv kind of thing and we did talk just a little about 'us'. He said that it was bad timing that he was going away but it was just for 3 weeks and he would contact me as much as he could whilst he was away. The fact he came to see me when he was feeling so rough speaks volumes to me - it meant alot.
At the moment - my instincts are feeling good about the whole thing. I will indeed keep busy and just wait until he gets back and go from there. Who knows what will happen but I do feel a little more in control and I have taken that step back and will chill a little about it all.
Great advice about the mobile!!! Am constantly looking at it to see of he has contacted me - its driving me bonkers!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): Believe me, i know how difficult it is to take a step back, but as i said, if you keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy, you should be fine, and you can always come and talk to us : ). Also, keeping your mobile in a seperate room when you are at home, or leaving your mobile at home when you go out, if you can, may help then you wont be looking at your phone too much to see if he has contacted you !. lol i have been tempted to look too much when i've had my phone near me, so i tried keeping it away from me whenever i could ! . Thats if you have a mobile phone ?.
And again, about the guy i mentioned earlier, he was 21 at the time i dated him, and i was 23, Very young, i know. His girlfriend is also nine years older than him, which surprised me, as he seemed quite shy when i met up with him, so he didn't seem the type to date someone much older. Mind you, i didn't know him much personally really.
I also went out once with a guy, who was also due to go working away the week after, but a couple of days before he went away, i found out that he already had a girlfriend !. And yet, he had been texting me talking in sexual way and saying he was looking forward to seeing me again !. His girlfriend called me soon after he got back !. Somehow, she had found out about us going out before he went away !. She didnt say how she knew,and obviously, she had got my number from his phone !. I told her that he hadnt said that he had a girlfriend though ( i found out from someone else, and told him off about it when i found out ! ).She said she wasnt angry with me, and she wanted to know if anything had happened, like kissing, anything sexual, e.t.c ( it hadn't ). I also apologised to her, and said that if i had known he was with someone, i wouldnt have gone near him.Obviously, i didnt hear from him anymore after that. That was one of the biggest mistakes i made, but i'm glad i found out that he had a girlfriend early on !. I had been quite suspicious though, because he had cancelled plans for us to meet a couple of times, but blamed it on something else. Apparently , they stayed together, but i thought they shouldnt have. If he intended on dating me at first, who's to say he wouldnt have tried to cheat on her again ?. I'm not sure if they are still together now though as that happened about four years ago.I could go on and on about guys i've known lol !. I'm not saying the guy you are with now would be anything like these guys, but as myself and other people here have said, you do need to be cautious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): Hi. This is the same anonymousfemale who replied earlier. I hope i didn't come across too harsh, sorry if i did, but i can see from your response that you also found it helpful, which is good !.
Just to tell you a bit more about the guy i dated, he must have ended up in a relationship pretty quickly after he finished with me, as about a year and a half later ( this was 8 months ago ) his new girlfriend became pregnant. I found out because he added my friend request that i sent him on facebook. so now, their baby is due next month. I dated him, and had contact with him, in september and october 2007. It hurt really when i found out that he was in another relationship and expecting a child so quickly, and i still dont know why he finished with me. I dont know if he thought i was clingy, or if his interested in me had just faded out.He did write on his facebook once that he was " finally growing up ".He wrote that when he found out his girlfriend was pregnant. So it just shows that he must have been immature when i met up with him, and it was probably the wrong place and the wrong time. I really wanted it to work because we liked the same music and films, so we had a lot in common. So, lexie, your situation also sounds similar to mine, as this guy was in constant contact with me for about five weeks, then for the last few weeks we were in contact, he would go some days without texting at all, and other days with stringing me along, until, finally, he ended it out of the blue.
I'm surprised he added my friend request on facebook really, as he hasnt spoken to me on there. It's quite confusing.Its funny what you learn as you get older though !. It's just a shame when you dont know it at the time it happens. My problem is, i sometimes dwell on any missed opportunities i've had with guys, such as, if i met a guy then find out he has a girlfriend, so i can't date him, or situations where i have only dated them a couple of time, e.t.c. Like yourself, i have also been hurt a lot in the past, so i can understand that. I dnt think we'll ever understand how men's minds work lol !.
I also hope your date has gone well tonight, and please keep us updated !.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your input and kind words!
Anonymous female - thank you thank you!!! I just needed to hear that in black and white - it makes perfect sense! Am so taking that step back!
Thank you Lexie - your experience really has put things into perspective. Will just hold back and have no expectations and see what happens.
Thank you fierce. You are right, he hasn't given me any reason to make me think he is playing me - its just the old insecurities of past hurts. No-on want to be played again and again etc!!
The latest is that he is coming to see me tonight (Friday eve)He still doesn't feel great but he does want to see me before he goes away. So - will just have a great evening and not be clingy and ask too many questions! Feel so much calmer after reading all your advice!
Thank you
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 You have absolutely no way of knowing. Let me give you an example.
I went out two times with what I thought was a wonderful guy. He was a gentleman, we had a great time and seemed to have hit if off. He then went away for 4 weeks for work(he's in the military). He texted me each day, sent me photos of the places he was visiting and called me every second night. We talked for hours. When he came back we went out again and the next day he dumped me saying he wasn't ready for a relationship.
So, I'm not saying that this will happen to you but what I want to say is that there are no signs to look out for and there is no way you can be sure.
The advice I can give you, and what I should have done back in the day, is to not expect anything from this guy. Sure, you've had three dates and he seems interested but don't get your hopes up too high. Anything can happen. My guy called all the time while he was away, he seemed so genuine and he always kept saying we'll do this and that when he gets back but it didn't mean a thing in the end. I believed it all, got my hopes up too high and in the end got hurt.
I don't think he's playing you...but I also don't think you should put too much into this just yet. Three weeks might not be long, but it's long enough for other things to happen. So, you don't have to 'wait' for him as you're not in a relationship, but there is no reason you should discount him at this point. Just relax, don't expect too much and if he does ask you out when he gets back, great...take it as it comes.
All the best :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): i also wanted to add that you should keep yourself busy while he is away. Visit friends and family or something to help take your mind off it and so that you can enjoy yourself and keep busy while he is gone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): calm down. you have only just met the guy, and you are already trying to control what he does ? and if you have only had three dates so you should be able to handle him going away. it isnt like you have been together a long time and you are in love with him or something. i could understand you being paranoid then and missing him a lot. plus, its only three weeks, it's not that long !. And if it's for a job, then at least he is going away for an important reason. maybe he's just trying to take things slow ? or maybe he genuinely is ill. just wish him well for going away and say that you look forward to seeing him again when he returns, and see what happens. you dont want to come across as clingy, especially in the very early stages of a relationship. i know its hard, and believe me i've been there. i made the mistake with a guy i liked of being too clingy with him at first, and sadly, we only had a couple of dates and then he broke it off after stringing me along by texts for a few weeks.He said his reasons for not continuing to see me were that he was busy with work, but i didn't believe him.He did apologise for breaking it off, but i thought , well, why break it off if he is sorry ?. So since then, i learned to play it cool whenever i first meet someone. Good luck.
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