A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I have "relationship" problems with my mom, my hisband AND my kids! Im 24 years old, and currently moved in with my mother and grandfather to help them care for themselves. My mother is a hoarder. She has many emotional issues, and Her best friend who is a family therapist told me she suspects she is bipolar with boarderline- psycotic tendences- of coursr this was completely off the books. Shes known her for nearly 40 years. Anyways are relationship is a bit turbulent, she acts like a 13 yr old and just very off. I ofyen let her get on my nerves and snap at her and I shouldnt. I cant accept that she will not change, I tell myself I accept it but I dont believe I do because of the way I hold resentment toward her and how I get upset for her actions and reactions. Next my kids, two boys one turned three this yr the other will be two next month. I yell at them more than I think a mother should. "Dont go up those stairs, dont do that to your brother dont touch that its hot; will break, sharp, not a toy," ect. I also spank them usually only when they are doing or touching something hot, hot or dangerous ex trying to open the oven thats on while im cooking dinner. Its not like im not right there with them but its more like one will being say trying to get up on the counter or table and in that split second as im getting the that one the other is trying to open the other. I cant try to explain it and say thats very hot do not touch it will burn you Ive showed them what hot is by putting cooked food on their plates and holding their hands over it, telling them this is hot you dont want to eat it till it cools and they know how to blow on it and they usually eat their fruit or salad first. So I do try to teach them, but its a work in progress. I just want to know how I can improve this situation and not yell or spank them; at least not yell as often.As far as my boyfriend goes, weve been together nearly five years and he is our children's father. We have been having a lot of issues lately as far as petty arguements, sex and him not feeling appreciated or validated in points he makes and things he does. ( and he does do a lot) I used to work before we movef but since we moved, he now works almost full time and does tons of odd jobs around the house. He says he feels underappreciated because I keep adding to the to do list and that I dont show my appreciation. I try for sure. I make him dinner(for all the family) say thank you and what a great job he did, stay up until he gets home which can sometimes not be until midnight and ny the time he eats its about 130 before we even go to bed and I wake up at 6 with the kids. I cook and am the only one that cleans as far as house chores occassionally my mom will do the dishes- but I always have to redo them because she just puts them in the dishwasher with food on them and our dishwasher really just doesnt cut it. I mentioned my mom is hoarder and so Ive spent me and my boyfriend have spent many of our days/ weeks clearing out her house making it liveable. My grandpa's living situation was even reported to adult protective services which was why we moved in. On top of everything else my bf rarely wants sex and when he does well he just pretty much puts it in and does the deed without warming me up, never tries to make me cum anymore. Thrusts hard and rapidly and lasts maybe five minutes. Ive brought it up to him at least twice a month for the past two or three mos and he really doesnt care. Im guessing because he feels undervalued and under appreciated despite me actually putting effort in. Hes also very upset with me for not keeping up with the laundry as there is typically a pile in our room. Its just very hard to even get the time to put it away because I do so much cleaning and caring for the kids, mom n grandpa I just always have to get something for someone or one of the boys is doing something he shouldnt be. I want to better myself. I want to get everything done and show him I appreciate him build a better relationship w my mom and not yell at my kids and be able to enjoy them more. I just feel like Im failing. Advice please???
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 HI
Firstly you should be really REALLY proud of yourself for getting this far, with everything your dealing with it's no wonder why your stressed out.
Ok with your relationship with you and your mum-
As she is suffering with bipolar, you know she can have her ups and downs day's. So the next time she is having a good day , get out the family album, talk about all the GOOD things you have done together over the years, then gently aproach the subject of how your relationship is now. Tell her how much you love her and want to help as best you can, but need her to try harder too. There are great tablets that can be taken for bipolar and with therapy too she should really be quite "normal" wanting for a better word.
with the children-
they are at a very oung age whne they ARE going to be everywhere and anywhere that looks tempting and adventurous. This is the age as hard as it is right now that you MUST keep to your rules, making sure that if they don't listen they will have to sit on the naughty step or lose a favourite toy for an hour. as hard as it is you will need to take a deep breath and remember at all times that shouting at your child will achieve nothing. they will just resent you and become more trouble as they get older. so when ever you feel like your going to start shouting put the kids in their pram and go for a walk with them. maybe take them to the park to let them run off some energy, so when you get back they will be tired and will be more relaxed and will listen to you more.
As for your relationship with your husband-
its must be very stressful for him too, having to move in with your family to look after them, so maybe he feels a bit awkward wanting sex when they are in the house too. BUT he has to understand what it is YOU have to do every single day on your OWN! and yet your still willing to make time for his needs. The next time he just wants to get on top and wham bam thank you mam, I would tell him that unless he wants to please YOU too there is no point in starting. your not a robot......you have feelings and right now they are not being dealt with.
Can you not get any home help? or is there no other family members that could take on your mum/grandpa? sometimes in life you have to be a little bit selfish to make sure your happy too. you WILL come through this, you may not see it now but you will, and you will be a much stronger person because of it. as my mum always says to me " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". get your self into a routine, even draw up a rota and put it up on the wall, make sure that any household chores are done before 3pm , etc etc..... important to make sure the kids are in bed and asleep no later than 7pm, as YOU need time for yourself and to wind down from the day. Also come to an agreement with your husband that at least one day a week you can go out ON YOUR OWN, wether its for coffee with friends, or just a long walk, time out basically to re- energize your batterys so to speak.
Mandy x
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