A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, my girlfriend and I broke up when she moved away to go to college. While she was there, Her then boyfriend got her pregnant and turned out to be a deadbeat. She came back, and we're together again and engaged. Recently, she decided she didn't want to give the baby up for adoption. I won't leave her just because she won't give up her daughter. So my question is, how do I deal with helping to raise this girl, when I know that she's not really my daughter?
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (17 September 2010):
Good luck! Thanks for the follow-up.
If it's any help, my biological father hasn't been around since I was about 3. My dad, who has brought me up and will walk me down the aisle, married my mum when I was about 4, and he legally adopted me. That made a big difference I think, at least to me.
The child will love you as their father. You are the one who will be there for them, teach them to ride a bike, act as a taxi when they are a bit older :).....and I am sure that you will love them in return. You will have so many shared experiences as time goes on, and that is what is so important to a relationship.
Good luck! You sound like a really good guy.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 September 2010):
 The saying, "Anyone can father a child, but it takes a man to be a dad." is one you should think about. You are far from being the only guy who has been in a relationship where you may raise as child as your own, although you're not biologically related. Think of the number of step parents there are in this world. If you love her, you need to accept her child as well. Be a good father figure, and even if you two have other children, don't treat this child any different. I am a parent and have been a step parent, and have loved my step kids as if they were my own. You have an opportunity to be part of her daughters life, and with her be part of shaping who she becomes. That's a privilege and not a detriment.
I hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy update took longer to post than I thought, and I never expected more than two or three responses. So here's to ALL of you: Thank you all so much. I'm grateful for all your help.I have decided that I don't care who the biological father is. I'm going to be her dad ^_^
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A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (17 September 2010):
 You may not be her biological father, but that doesn't mean that you can't be a dad to her.
Do whatever you would if she was yours. Get up during the night to feed her, change her nappies, play with her, take her out to the park. Just the normal things any oher dad would do with his child.
Sure, it might be hard at first to get used to the idea that she isn't yours. Take your time to bond with her and things will just come naturally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): You just have to act like she's your own.
My own Dad never really cared, and I didn't meet my Step-dad until I was 10, but now he feels like my real father.
Your going to be there from birth! She's always gonna think of you as her dad. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're all right. I've sat around thinking about it since I posted it, and I have reached a decision. I want to be that girls dad. My fiancee wants me to be her daughters dad.
@tennisstar88: I have always told her I'd be beside her 100% no matter what she decided. I intend to honor that. And I have been soaking up all the childcare knowledge I can, and there's a lot...
@embarressed mom: That kid does deserve a better parent than deadbeat would be. I am man enough to step up and be that dad, and I plan on it.
@johnnyrockets: Of course that's true. I was a little scared that I wouldn't be able to see past her genetics. I know it doesn't matter who the sperm donor was, I'm just a little stressed.
Thank you all for taking the time to help, and for your wishes of luck. It'll be a long, hard road to be sure, but I think I'll be ready. At least, I'll do my best, and I'll be the dad that girl deserves. Thank you all!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 By blood she wouldn't be your daughter but rest assured, should you show care and a willingness to nurture her the way a parent should, you would be her father in every other way possible. A father does not have to be blood-related to take care of a child.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Well, you start by getting your mind and heart wrapped around the concept that children are not possessions, they are a gift from God, they are innocent and are totally dependant on the love and care they receive from their caregivers in order to thrive and to become well adjusted, happy productive people. Biological parents are just that and you and your soon to be wife can also have your own child together, but to love it any more because of that is just plain selfish..
If you aren't mature enough to love a child period, then you are probably making a mistake marrying this woman with a child. Don't do it if you can't love her child.
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A
female
reader, futurearmywife +, writes (17 September 2010):
 To me it seems like this guy was just the sperm donor, who doesn't mean shit. Now you step in, just because the baby isn't biologically yours doesn't mean anything. If you are there for your fiance and get married to her and you guys do stay together you will be considered the father. I know its hard thinking that you aren't the father and you're raising someone else's kid,but consider its your kid now and think about how you're going to be a father! but the real question is are you ready to be a father? a father figure? thats what you really need to ask yourself. Are you going to be able to support the child? Think about the child. Good luck to you and i wish you the best! if you need any more advice or want to talk more just message me
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Well you could start off by legally adopting her when you guys get married, if it's alright with your fiance. Although this is up to you, but you are marrying this girl and everything that goes with her, that includes her child which will now be yours since the lack there of father. Are you ready to step in and be a parent? Do you know how to change a diaper, or how to burp a baby? Maybe if you have any baby niece or nephews you can shadow your brother and sister in law to really see what it is like to be a parent. Or parenting classes, I'm not a parent yet but my sister in law has taught me quite a bit in helping raise my niece and nephew.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (17 September 2010):
Her daughter will never be yours biologically. You will never be this girls father. However, you don't have to be her father to be her dad. Just be there for her like you would be if you were her father. It doesn't matter if you are the father. It only matters if you love her.
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A
female
reader, embarressed mom  +, writes (17 September 2010):
Well if you love her it should be simple, it's not the child's fault it's dad's a dead beat, and you have the chance to step up and be the dad that child deserves. The question is are you man enough to be that dad?
Children have so many gifts to give, but you need to get your priorities straight before this child enters this world .
good luck
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