A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I help my really good man become an amazing man and father? We've been together 4 years and couldn't be closer.( or could we?) We do everything together and plan on getting married soon. There's a small nuisance and it has to do with his 8 year old daughter who lives with her mother and whom we see every other weekend. He reveals a little too much information when speaking to her almost all the time. And he doesn't do a whole lot of parenting. Our time with her is always filled with fun activities or staying home and pouting. And we've talked about it many times already..Let me explain. The first part is the over sharing stuff. I am an extremely private person and always have been. I basically don't want anyone knowing shit about me. He knows this. Also we have zero contact with the daughters mother and would like to keep it that way for as long as possible; she's tried splitting us up with her manipulating ways in the past. The daughter of course, tells her mother everythinggggg about the time she spends with us .. She's also an 8 year old and I'm not comfortable sharing details of my private life with any 8 year old. (He will casually tell her things that I won't even tell my own siblings such as my having surgery soon ... )Second part is an extension: he doesn't seem to know how to exactly be a father all the time. He loves her very much and always tries to please her if he can. I'm guilty of having a helping hand there because it's hard to say no to her sometimes. But not ALWYAS. He seems to be confused in their relationship. I know he feels guilt over leaving her and her mother when she was 1 year old but he tried to compensate for this by always making sure she has fun and giving her what she wants (including info about my whereabouts or whatever else) and not really disciplining her ever. It's really strange. When we talk about parenting our own future children together he says a lot of things that he doesn't even do with his daughter now! So, how do I help him see that he can still have a relationship with his daughter without trying to involve her in our life together all the time. And how do I help him see he's not doing her any favors by spoiling her with too many "fun times" Please, help. Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (18 November 2016):
He needs to learn how to diseppline her also when she gets into trouble and also needs to be stern with her also. I know you're not her real parent at all and she has a mom already. But you and her can be friends with eachother. While you are going to marry her father. Alot of kids go through that when their parents remarried other people after their parents split with one another. She will learn to accept you sion, you got to give her time to adjust to a new woman in her dad's life.
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (16 November 2016):
I read your colum. I think it isn't right that his daughter is trying to spilt you and her father up if you and your bf if you both are wanting to marry one another. Tell his daughter that you're not trying to take her mother's place as her real mom. You and your bf are going to get marry to one another. It is cool having more than two parents, also tell your bf that you don't really like what he is telling her about the surgery that you had - that you want to tell your own family
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): You're forgetting something. He's a new dad, learning what fatherhood means and requires of him. The child is growing up in another household; so he doesn't get the practice he needs, and probably didn't have a good example of parenting from his own parents. Spoiling her is obviously out of guilt, but parents often want to give their children the things they didn't have.
Little girls can be very persuasive with their fathers, and they wrap them around their little fingers. Spoiling her is his clumsy and inexperienced way to bond with her. He wants her to like him, because he looks bad for abandoning her and her mother. That she can figure-out at her age, and she will punish him for it. She will make him go out of his way to show her how much he loves her. She's only a child and doesn't know any better. He should.
As for your being a private person, I'm very sorry you're so secretive about your life. Why are you so paranoid? How much can an 8 year-old care about your private-life? Why would you keep surgery a secret from your own family? You're in her life and you're dating her father. He's likely to share what goes on in his life, things she'd know if she were living with the two of you anyway. She has her own eyes and ears and an eight year-old girl can be pretty astute. They pick things up without having to be told anyway. He doesn't have to tell her, she'll snoop on her own. Girls at her age are naturally inquisitive. It's better she be told than let her seek her own answers.
Are you a parent? When you become one yourself, you'll see that the first time around you might be a bit clumsy. Dads who don't live with their kids have no idea what they're being told by their angry mothers, and will overcompensate trying to prove they're not the jerks their mothers may portray them to be for leaving them. Surely you can suggest to him that always spoiling her isn't making him a good father. It's just teaching her how he can be manipulated by a child; and that doesn't make him a good authority-figure.
She must learn to take no for an answer, and pouting should be admonished as bad behavior. She has to learn the reward system for good behavior, and discipline for bad behavior.
She has to be disciplined, but that's territory you don't cross. There is a mother who may be very resentful, and anything the child tells her becomes an issue between her and the child's dad. So to some degree he walks on eggshells with her. He will in time learn to say no, but being away from her most of the time; he wants to give her good childhood memories.
You're absolutely right, it can't always be fun; and you do have a right to speak your opinion about that. He's searching around in the dark, he's not sure of what he should be doing. He just wants to be sure her time with him is quality time. It also should be learning time as well. Teaching her how she must behave and show respect for him. Not just use him to grant her every wish.
He can use some helpful suggestions; but direct your suggestions to him and let him carry them out. You must remain neutral, and not participate in disciplining the child. You have no rights there for now; but once you become her stepmother, the rules will change.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): Thank you, aunt honestyI agree with all of your points. You have no idea how difficult it can be to talk about these things sometimes. He didn't have a very good upbringing and had to learn a lot of important lessons later in life. I had a much healthier relationship with my parents and they never let me have my way. But I learned. So I try to use my example to let himKnow his daughter isn't going to hate him if he doesn't get her ice cream every time (example) The learning time part - I agree 100% I even tried finding classical lessons online or free carriculums and other activities other than meaningless fun, that are age appropriate for her but she's a fire cracker and would never sit down for more than 15 minutes and I don't think it's my responsibility to discipline her. He just kind of brushes it off like she's just tired or well we can't make her ... Again with the mother, I've given that a try up until like two years ago. He was in contact with her abd It was only supposed to be about the daughter but she is very manipulative and would use her daughters situation to her advantage. She would start asking him to help change her oil cuz she needs her car to drive the daughter bla bla then when we went over there to do it (yes he actually went sigh) she would ask if he can just come in for coffee and if maybe he wants to have some QUICK SEX. I mean we're not dealing with a moral human being here. At this point contact with her is out of The question unfortunately. And the daughter is the one that has to suffer :/
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 September 2016):
 I guess because he feels guilty about leaving her he is over compensating now, totally normal. It is good that he is showing her a good time, having fun activities planned. It is also important not to spoil her and discipline her as well when needs be. There should be a healthy balance. Just gently remind him off that. Before his daughter arrives maybe you can make a plan where there is fun time but also quiet time and maybe story or learning time. Get her to help out with some chores or responsibilities. You both should come up with a plan you both can follow.
Am sorry that the mother has tried splitting you up and am glad she did not succeed, but I do think it is important for his daughter to have her parents at least be civil. It is important with her growing up that she can see adults being amicable. Try ask your boyfriend to be civil with her, only conversations to be about there daughter. I think that is fair.
As for personal things about you, I guess he is just sharing with his daughter, I bet he means no harm. Just keep reminding him before she visits the things you don't want him to discuss about you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): Thank you for your reply, Honeypie. I hadn't thought of the parenting books for dads idea. I will check some out! The repetition thing looks like it's going to be a reality for me. It sucks because I've talked about it enough times already but I thought maybe im not explaining it right when I do bring it up. Maybe he feels that he should be able to share anything that has to do with us because it's his life and his daughter and he should be able to share what he wants with her and that gives him comfort. I just thought maybe if I am more aggressive on my approach it might come off as me trying to create a distance between them or trying to push her out of our life. I guess in a way I am though but I don't mean any harm to their relationship. I just want my relationship to be private like we talked about when we met.. I've opened my arms and my heart to his little girl and usually do the vacation and birthday planning, cooking, etc when she's over. But I thought he would be more understanding towards my needs. I forgot to mention that if I'm away when they're together and I call him to talk for a quick sec just to say I miss you and touch base, he will just hand her the phone like here say hi ... Or ask me without my offering "she misses you, want to talk to her" even if I'm not ready ... It seems he really wants us to be a family all the time and I guess I'm not ready for that. Although I do want us to all be happy but idk if im willing to sacrifice my feelings ..As far as contacting the mother it is useless. She is jealous and doesn't respect our relationship. She will use anything she can to sabotage our relationship because that's what's happened in the past. She would be thrilled to hear about anything not going right with her relationship with her dad because she's a toxic person and even has said negative things about him to the daughter. She's involved in a cult religion and she's pretty much not right in the head. Her "rules" in the house are to let the daughter do anything she wants and constantly tell her she's her best friend and true love (they live alone together) and then spanking her when she doesn't listen ...... He's a very hard working man and always strives to please me and keep us happy. It's this one thing I can't figure out why he has trouble with.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 September 2016):
 I would stat by look up some parenting books for Dads.
Secondly, I'd tell him again (and again) that he needs to stop oversharing, she is ONLY 8 and doesn't NEED to know every little and private thing about you two. If you catch him at it, I would interrupt and ask him if he has a moment, pull him to the side and remind him OVER and OVER. I think repetition is the way to go, just like you would a child.
When you two do NOT have her, sit him down and talk boundaries and rules for WHEN she is there. I think HE (at least) should talk to the child's mom and ask her what rules she lives with at home, so the structure FOLLOW the child. You CAN be a structured household and STILL have fun with your kids.
Being a "fun only" dad doesn't make him a good dad. He needs to know that too. That there are other ways of showing love.
Help him stick to these new rules. See where it goes. I know it seems a little weird to be parenting the parent... but what you are describing is VERY much the norm for parents who doesn't know what they should be doing. They just want the kid to not hate them and the kid to want to spend time with them. However, it's not always in the kids best interest.
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