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writes: I need some advice, i don't know how to help this girl!I have known my fiance's little sister since she was 12. I am 20 now, and she is 16. Shes very wild, rude, and out of control. I have always been there for her, she comes to me for advice, and tells me her darkest secrets and i'm okay with that. Somethings I don't approve of, but....what can I do?But one thing that I tell her, everytime she wants to tell me something, i say "If this contains hurting someone, or yourself...I have to tell your parents."Well, she will tell me about an experience about drinking and blacking out, having sex with random men, her older boss threatening to give blowjobs, drugs etc...Its got to the point...where she doesn't trust me anymore (b/c ill tell her parents). So she doesn't talk to me. But...she talks to my friend.Anyway, she told my friend that she did cocaine, and called her parents. But she made up this HUGEEE excuse to get out of it, and now my fiance parents thinks my friend is insane, and retarded!I don't know how to get through to her parents! I have been to her parents from everything above, and they still don't believe me.Me and my fiance always joke around and say "I could have a video that has proof of her having sex, and her parents still won't believe me." ITS INSANE. and her daughter is gonna get extremely hurt or killed (but all the crap she does)what do i do!? I feel like if i just back off, something bad will happen, and i'll regret it for the rest of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all the great responses! She told me she has never been sexually abused. I don't know if her parents are just in denial, or she gets special treatment coz shes the only girl in the family. My boyfriend says that if he pulled half the stuff she did, he would get in SO much trouble.There was one time, she tried to cut herself, and I told her parents...and they took away her phone for a week. They are terrible parents, and I just hate it!The parents went out of town, and she had a huge party....stole all her mother's medication, trashed the house, etc...and the only thing she got was "she isn't allowed to have friends over for her birthday party next month". I wish i could call child protection services, but..i could lose my boyfriend, respect from his family...but at the same time- i would not live with myself if she did something to herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): You might start by printing out your posting and all the responses to it. Set down with her as a friend, tell her that you won't tell anyone about the discussion, hold it in the deepest confidentiality, and leave it there."Well, she will tell me about an experience about drinking and blacking out""having sex with random men""her older boss""drugs etc""where she doesn't trust me anymore""she comes to me for advice, and tells me her darkest secrets"She probably doesn't tell you her darkest secrets, probably far worse to hear.Terrible story to tell, and to hear, but not that unusual. Hopefully she will survive.First off, you can't fix her. You can encourage her to get help, and it might work. Don't be judgmental, be honest, open, and tell her what you see and hear from her. Her parents can't fix this either, telling them won't change anything. Tell her. Don't let her drag you into her drama financially or physically.She clearly has a drug and alcohol problem, but getting her to figure that out and to change is the hard part. She can do it. Print this questionnaire out for her and tell her she can substitute any drug name into the questionnaire in place of alcohol.http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htmThat is just the drug part.Along those lines, she might benefit from getting hooked up with Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous and going to a bunch of meetings.The sex and relationship part is a desperate situation.She is out of control, usually this happens when someone has been sexually, emotionally or otherwise abused, she probably has severe intimacy issues that she can't deal with. People who do this type of thing you describe are trying to bury something that is eating at them. Don't be surprised if you find out that someone close to her raped her, sexually abused her, even as a child.You might buy her this book and ask her to read it.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933 You can also tell her this. I'm a professional, my wife is one as well. We are solid middle class people and have kids, a home, pets, the usual. On the surface, the loving couple, happy mother and father, nice family.But, underneath, there is more.Nothing she is doing was not done by my wife. In fact, she's probably just getting started on that pathway. Drugs, sex, alcohol, self destruction. My wife survived, but not everyone does, in fact knowing what I know today I'm surprised she did survive to meet me. It left a pathway of wreckage that lasted 15 years before she met me, damaged her ability to have relationships, and to this day, well over thirty years after it started she feels an intense sense of pain, remorse, guilt, and shame that she struggles with. Despite understanding, finally, what happened and why she did what she did to herself afterward.She goes to AA meetings three times a week. She reads to understand what happened to her. What her parents did, and did not do (she was abandoned at various times by one parent or the other, they didn't protect her from abusers and neglected her) still haunts her.She never told a soul about the multiple rapes, sex abuse, neglect, fear, self loathing, and internal anguish. When she started to try to talk she became afraid of rejection, clammed up, and lied about it all to counselors, doctors, friends, family, and her husband (me).She tried to kill herself once. She has thought about killing herself practically every week for over 30 years.I nearly left her because I knew there was something terrible she wasn't talking about, our lives were not what they should have been together and I knew it and needed it to change because we don't live forever, it took me over a year of effort to get her to talk, and that was after 17 years of marriage.It took her over 7 months of marital/couples and individual counseling to open up and take the chance, even with a professional counselor. This was the 4th counselor in 22 years (two before with individual counselors and one with a couples counselor - she lied to everyone in these counseling sessions). She took various antidepressants, anxiety meds, and used illicit drugs (marijuana) secretly to help. All the while hiding the marijuana use, drinking more to try to quell the painful memories, and growing more afraid. She lied to every doctor she saw about what was bothering her.At 48 years of age, she finally talked...about what happened when she was 8, 13, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, etc. She finally talked and by talking she was able to be helped.She actually enjoys life today more than ever.She believes she is loved for being herself.She really enjoys sex, and knows what good sex really is, for the first time in her life.But she still struggles.It doesn't have to be this way. Tell her that she needs help, advise her to get help, any time she talks to you (don't preach), tell her that she needs help.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Call the police department and report her. Give them her parents names. In the US,depending on the state, the parents can be held responsible for their minor daughters issues.
You can also called CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES because her parents are neglecting her discipline/possible drug abuse.
Do not give up on her, get your bf/her brother on board with you.
Since you are not her legal parent or guardian, you may not be able to do much. The best resource is to seek out Child Protection Services, she may need to be removed from her home.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Hi there, I also wondered if she had been sexually abused since her behaviour is so bad, however this is not always the case some teens are just on a bad path and need very strong boundaries from there parents which they do not get.
I think it would be a shame to give up on her, you may be the only consistant influence she can go to.
It does seem odd that her parents turn a blind eye or do not know there daughter. Are they old fashioned?
Really I would try and sit down with her and reason with her to go and see a counsellor, tell her that you know she needs help and you will be there for her but she needs someone from outside the family circle as well. Failing that can you talk to the head of her school privately and say that you are deeply concerned and unsure why her parents are not taking a stand - you do not want anyone to know that you have gone to them, but you need someone in a position of influence to help out. I know this is going over the line a bit, but it is people that go over the line and beyond the mile that mean the most in life and can make a difference. All the best.
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reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 HI
This is a very sad reading :( Unfortunately you have informed her parents many times, and they either choose to ignore it, or maybe they just dont know what to do either and would rather you not keep reminding them. Either way there is little more you can do to help this girl, I understand your urgency to help her, but you cant help someone who dont want to be helped. I am actually wondering if this girl has been sexually assulted when she was younger, because many girls who do loath themself after and do everything they can to self destruct. The reason I know this is because I was when I was 14yrs old, and for about two yrs I hated life and anything that was in it,I did not care about myself or anyone else, and was in self distruct mode. Since going counciling my life turned around , and I spent yrs apologising to everyone I hurt, including myself. I dont normally share that info, but in this case I have because there is something deeper going on here with this girl, All you can do is be there for her whenever she needs you, and tell her that she can trust you, that you will not talk to her parents about it anymore. ( as they wont listen anyway) so atleast she will have you to turn to if things get ruff xx
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