A
female
age
26-29,
*nderdog
writes:I have 2/3 close friends that I've known since I started high school (1 before hand), we keep in touch regularly and are my 'go to' girls when I'm looking for advice etc. We after on a lot if things but, like most friendship groups we do have differing opinion on different things. This never used to be a problem. In fact it still isn't in terms of the war it affects out friendship together, but the way it affects me does. I used to be a very opinionated person, I respected others peoples but didn't care if they had differing opinions. These friends were always ones that I get comfortable voicing my opinions to but recently I seem to have lost that. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself and now I feel bad even having a differencing opinion, especially when they all agree and I'm the only one with an opposing view. How do I get this confidence back?How can I go back to having my own opinion and not feeling bad about it when others disagree- I dont feel angry bit guilty that I don't agree with everyone else, especially these friends! Any one else felt like this?
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 September 2014):
I can’t help wondering if there was some trigger for this, for example an occasion where you voiced an opinion and experienced negative consequences or a bad reaction from some-one for doing that. IT can be hard to disagree with friends but the point of true friendship is that you accept the differences that exist between you. No-one’s going to think the same about absolutely everything. Hang on to the fact that, both before and since this loss of confidence, you haven’t lost the respect of any of these friends because of your differing views. The reality is that a friendship has to go deeper than your politics, your views on relationships, your approach to money or whatever. I think you need to accept that this anxiety isn’t rational, and commit to emphasising your agreement as much as your disagreement. Tell your friends both when you agree and disagree, and I’m sure if you observe your friends you’ll probably find they do exactly the same thing.
The other thing is to get some perspective: it is harder to disagree with people you’re close to because you do perceive the potential fall-out to be greater if your lack of agreement causes them to form a negative view of you. Branching out from your close group will expose you to people whose judgement you won’t worry about so much, and interaction with them will enable you to grow in confidence at expressing and sticking to your point of view, and navigating disagreements. Maybe your best friends aren’t the people to practice this skill on.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): You are losing the whole point of giving an opinion. What you;re worried about is their "acceptance;" if you don't agree. You don't just give in; because people gang-up on you, or pretend to agree just to stay a part of a group. People start to think too much alike when they're around each other too much.
You have to be brave enough to be independent of thought and stand by what you believe. If they start to dislike you because of your opinions; they aren't friends. Either that, or you may need to be more flexible. You just may be wrong!
Stay open-minded. Don't get over-sensitive.
If you are consistently out-voted. That's usually an indication, you might need to increase your circle of friends. You're in a closed-circle and that doesn't offer you much room for argument. Just a few inexperienced girls competing to show who's smarter. Maybe you no longer have as much in-common with the other girls as you used to.
If you're a radical, or completely off the wall? Not many will agree with you!
Not only that; but consider this. You may need to check your facts before voicing your opinions. It's hard to argue with indisputable fact. "Opinions" are not always based on fact; they are subjective and mostly based on emotion. The more fact you back up your opinions with, the more you're able to back them up. If you're always talking off the top of your head, people find little reason to agree; or can't make sense of what you're saying.
You shouldn't take it personally unless you are mistreated for seeing things differently. Not get upset because most people don't see it your way. In fact, your group is too small for you to feel your opinion doesn't matter. People may not agree, but they will still respect your right to voice your opinion. You are more persuasive if you think before you speak. Think carefully and make sure you're expressing your thoughts clearly; so everyone can see the logic behind your point. Maybe you feel insecure or threatened; because they are more aggressive in the way they express themselves. Then do the same as they do.
Stick to it, if you believe in what you've said.
You need to get out and mingle for fresher opinions. You may also need to remember they are girls your age, who have no more experience than you do. You're all just expressing your points of view. It does not make you wrong or your opinion weak, unless you have no clue what you're talking about.
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