A
male
age
36-40,
*opeye_loves-cuspi
writes:So around 10days ago, i posted a question about myself and my wife, but we have since separated as a result of constant fights over what was so pointless and petty.But, she will not just let me be, i ask her and tell her that things are over, yet she is acting like we are still in a happy relationship when we are not, things are over and done, but she won't accept that. What do i do?! Im reluctant to be cruel and horrid, gong our separate ways is hard enough, yet i need to find a way to tell her again, in a way that sinks in, that it is over for good. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 There’s a song that says “Cruel to be kind” being “a bastard” to her now (by being firm and holding your ground) in the long run is the kinder thing to do as she will get over it faster than if you drag it out and give her hope.
Best to you OP!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): I went back to your historyh your initial posts claim that u love your wife very much: u also did not know what was troubling her: a few days later your decision to end your marriage without any chance of reconciliation. Wow!
Why dont u want to try? I understand that u have now made up your mind BUT for someone who only ± 3 weeks ago was professing his undying love for his wife, I'm now sceptical as to why your decision is so final.
Each to his/her own. I know u want a divorce now but try do do it in an honourable manner, with the least amount of hurt if you can.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (23 February 2012):
popeye_loves-cuspi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for your replies and help.
Its always a good thing to look at it from another perspective and also from the outside like everyone else see's it.
I have made it clear to her that we are done and dusted, no going back and no reconnection together.
I am really not wanting to be a bastard to her, i mean, i married her and loved her, in love with her, so being cruel to her is something i will not do.
Again, thank you all for your help.
sincerely.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
 Move out and file for divorce, it can't be more clear then that. Oh and don't have long heartfelt conversations with her.
Keep the contact to a minimum.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
It’s clear the marriage is dead. She will get it in time… she needs to grieve her loss (as do you but you probably started that process long before you actually left)
Anastasia is correct about the stages of grief and even though it’s about death, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote “On Death and Dying” and talks about the stages DABDA denial, anger, bereavement, depression and acceptance… this is not a straight line she will go back and forth between them and it might take a very long time for her to process.
You being strong and moving forward (getting a lawyer etc) and being consistent with her (practice the broken record technique of responses to her with “I know it’s hard to accept; but it’s truly over and there is nothing further to work on” as a response… this means you say the same thing to her every time she talks about getting back together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): have you moved out?.. separated? .. if not then do so...
and if you have then it will just be a case waiting it out.. slowly she will get used to it.. but ill then keep minimal contact.. don't disappear completely.. but yeah change your number..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): no amount of words will make it sink in for her, only your actions will. Nothing says "we're over" like your filing for divorce, and then simply disappearing from her life, not returning her calls or emails, and not initiating any contact with her. initially she may try harder but you have to keep on cutting her out of your life and eventually she'll have no choice but to accept it or keep wasting her time and energy.
Get over your "I don't want to mean." There are society-accepted "rules" for how people are supposed to behave when in relationships, and when no longer together. One of the 'rules' for how to behave when you're no longer together is that you are no longer involved in each other's lives. It's not mean of you to behave accordingly.
it would be mean if you called her names, criticized her, made personal attacks on her. That would be mean. but simply ignoring her and cutting her out of your life, is not mean, it's accepted behavior for break ups and divorces. if she is upset about that - that's also normal for this situation but in time she'll get over it if you let her by not engaging with her and feeding her hopes.
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (23 February 2012):
popeye_loves-cuspi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your replies, most of them are very useful and helpful, although the anon reply, i didn't enter into marriage in a way that i felt was easy to get out of or want to get out of, i married for life but that changed when all we spent our time doing, was fighting, crying and doing that over and over again.
I tried to work it out with her, i tried so so many times to talk to her, but she didn't want to know or hear me or listen, so what do i do? Stay there anyway feeling depressed or get myself out of something that despite hard work, failed and badly?
She acts like we are still together, like its all just a big game, a joke if you like.. She calls me and then tells me how she still loves me and we will be together and forever, that she will never let go of me, then cries to me saying how much she misses me, and im struggling badly to find a way to get through to her that we are done, that i want no more of this.
Some might say that she is showing that she wants to try harder, now, but the fact is, i spent so long having to keep what i felt inside, knowing that if i uttered a single syllable of my feelings, it erupted into world-war style fights that felt like they were never ending, being told to shut up or how im to heavy. You don't shun away the feelings of the person you are supposed to love right? You listen to them, like i did to her's, yet never got that back from her. I felt alone so much of the time and thats not happiness, its sadness and that doesn't make for a happy relationship or marriage.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 February 2012):
 HI
It's going to be hard for her to just let go, you may have argued a lot, but if you love someone so much you will always think you can make it up and start again. The best thing you can do is keep telling her that it's not ever going work between you, and that you are never going back, you will not reply to any texts, or phone calls, and that this will be the last time you tell her before you make a clean break. This is going to hurt her a lot, but it's best to do this now than to let it drag on, as the longer it does the harder it will be. Are you 100% sure you want this? because if you are, then you should ( unless you have children) change your phone number, your mobile, and create a new email address. it may seem harsh, but if she cant contact you in any way what so ever the quicker she will heal, and you can move forward. Who knows maybe one day you could possibly be friends at least.
Hope this helps
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): You obviously haven't communicated with her enough to have her understand that your not willing to work out your issues, and would rather have a divorce. Get things settled with a lawyer, and she'll understand that you're being serious, and want out of the marriage. You should also know, that all relationships have problems and issues to work through, the difference is that marriage means your willing to work through it to stay together. Next time you enter a marriage, you might want to consider that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
It's less than two weeks since you separated.
I'm assuming she had no idea you were going to do this and that you have moved out... (please correct me if I am wrong)
IF you were married a long time she needs to adjust. It will take months.
Can you give us more details about what's going on?
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Hi, There are different stages of grief...and one of them is denial. She sounds like she is right up on top of that stage. If you are sure that things are over.....as you seem to be...then I suggest that you move on with your life. You've said to her umpteen times that it is over...just carry on with your life as you know it to be now that it is over. There is no need to repeat yourself again. She will get the point eventually.There are some things that you can do in the meantime to avoid contact or meetings. Change your phone number, avoid the places that you guys used to go together. Let your mutual friends know that things are over between you two and please if there are any invites to be extended....please make sure that she isn't there or know that if she is....you won't be coming. If she turns into a stalker....well then you need to get the authorities involved.I know you don't want to be mean and horrible to her, but sometimes we need a little tough love now and again. She's just in a bit of denial...it will pass once she sees that you are moving on and I am assuming that divorce papers will be apparent at some point. It shall hit home at some point.Hope I helped in some way.Aunty Ana
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