A
female
age
30-35,
*helleyanne
writes:I dated a guy for a short time several months ago. We've known eachother for three years or so, but were never very close. However, while we dated we grew very close and told eachother everything. I found out he is very depressed. He's a freshman in college and still lives with his dad whom he has a rocky relationship with. Because of this he smokes pot a ridiculous amount, and has been drinking a lot. Now recently he sent me sixteen unintelligible texts, in which he managed to tell me that he has been abusing adderall and shooting up oxycotin. We've been broken up for a while now, but I am heart broken at what he's doing to himself. In his texts he told me that he loved me, and that he was so sorry for failing me and not being good enough. I tried to talk to him in the morning about it, but then he was very avoidant. Finally he told me he would take me out of his phone book to make sure it never happened again because it hurt too much to talk to me. But now I can't stop thinking about him. I'm worried sick for his well being. He's been seeing a doctor but he doesn't really want to be helped. His other friends encourage his drug use. I know I let him go, but I care about him so much and I feel like there should be something I can do. I feel like I'm part of the problem, like it's my fault. How do I get through to him? Or should I just let him be?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): What can you do? Your not his wife, your not his mother, there's no force that you can apply to force him well. Harsh I know, but that's the reality of the situation. When people have serious problems with things such as alcohol, drugs or depression it is very hard to get through to them, to tell them you care and to provide them with advice. From the outside their behaviour seems self destructive and very sad.
No matter how much you care and want to support him, you cannot force change upon him. He needs to accept the need to change, and from your post it dosen't seem that he is willing to deal with this problem.
As a friend I would keep in contact and be there for him no matter what. A call to say hello, a letter asking him how his doing, a general freindly attitude is all that you can do. Talking to his father may make things worse, as it seems from your post this is one of the causes for his current destructive behaviour.
He will change when he needs to or wants to and there's nothing you can do. You must acknowledge this and go on with your life knowing that you tried and would have done everything you could to help. Sorry, but that's the way I think it should go.
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Whilst you cant be accountable for his life he is sending you a cry for help here by texting you about this when he is out of it.
All you can do is try to help him by asking him to get help but only he can decide to do it, you cannot force him. Does his father know what is going on, could you talk to him about this and see if he can get through to him or get him some help in anyway? x
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