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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am angry at my husband. He was falsely accused almost 4 years ago by a man, who claimed that my husband had run him over. It was an open and shut case for the police, there were witnesses and the man had no injuries. However, he keeps dragging us through the courts. Why am I angry? Because my husband was so convinced by the police and the first judge who dismissed the case that it was over, that he neve counter-sued the guy. Lawyers cost money and he prefered not to spend it.Here where we live, it is possible to sue again even though the claims have been refuted. So we went to court TWICE, because the man sued my husband. The second time my husband hired a lawyer, but still didn't want to counter-sue, because he was cleared again, by yet another medical expert appointed by the court.Guess what! Like a monster at the end of a horror movie, this guy sued my husband again. His lawyer even used a medical report where it is clearly stated that his client had no injuries (I mean how crazy is this?!?).The guy is trying to explain why he has been unable to work for the past 4 years and to get some social benefits and a pension and for this, he needs to have a reason, like being run over. And of course, he wants money!We have a meeting with our lawyer in a few days and my husband is ready this time to counter-sue. But I really don't know what our options will be now.My problem is - that is why I am venting here - I am angry at my husband for not having done so the first time around. I was very much in favor of it. I wanted to put and an end to that. I didn't care that we would have to tighten our belts. For me it was like a tumor that needs to be taken out. You pay your medical bills and that's that. But my husband grew up in poverty and just thought it was ludicrous to pay lawyers for something that he didn't do and that he had been cleared of at the very start. I never had much money either, but I was never hungry and the problems in my house got dealt with. My mom ever shut her eyes hoping they would go away.I want to be there for my husband but I feel so angry at him. I don't show it in an unarticulated way. I never argue, or god forbid yell and insult him. We discussed this, he kept saying that I was right and that he needed time to accept that he too will have to sue and pay the lawyers. I accept it and said that I'm there for him. So now we are on the same page. I am still angry for having this in my life, because it could have been dealt with long ago. This is the third time I am going through this. And even though I know that my husband is in the right, I am still stressed. The second time around he promised that he alone would deal with this. But he didn't. I knew that he wouldn't keep his promise. He needed my help. And I was there for him but it was so stressful for me. I sometimes had to go to the meetings with the lawyer in his stead, deliver documents, prepare files, he kept talking about it all the time, dumping on me all the stress... I had panic attacks because of it.Now I'm back there again. This morning I couldn't breath and feel a pressure in my head, even though my blood pressure is low and I have neck pain. I feel like a horrible person for having these emotions and thinking this way. My husband did nothing wrong. He didn't hurt anyone, he didn't gamble... but I am still angry with him for not dealing with this when it was easier. And for not dealing with this alone when he wouldn't take into account my opinion, which was the lawyer's advice anyhow.How do I get over this and be there for him? I truly don't want to be a part of this anymore. But I know that this is me being spoilt. I just don't know how to get over this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2020): depending on what country you live in you should be able to apply for an order barring this man from using the court process against you any further. with the case being dismissed twice I'm sure you would be granted this. this man is what they call a vexatious litigant in legal terms. try not to be too angry with your husband. focus on trying to stop this going any further
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2020): Thank you so much for your words of wisdom!
We talked to a layer and we're counter-suing for harassment. Unfortunately that's the only way to make this stop.
Our lawyer was shocked to see that this guy is not letting go. Not so much because of him, but because of his lawyer who is just taking the guy's money. There is a "thing" in law she will use to show to the court that even the lawyer has been abusing the system for his own gain.
What makes me calmer than usual is that this time my husband did what he promised to do - called the lawyers, prepared the papers, etc.
I really hated being his secretary as you put it. Not his mom, because that would mean that we would be doing what I said. A secretary does what she's told and has no right to have an opinion.
We're not looking to get any money out of this. We just want to stop this guy from harassing us any longer.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2020):
 By being logical. Who tells you that countersuing would have put a stop to your problem ? countersuing, as a deterrent, only works if the other part has got something to lose ( big money, or, at least, professional reputation ) if found guilty.
This guy is, officially, a bum. It's 4 years he is not working so he has no wages that you can garnish- and if he has money, chances are that it's stashed away, not under his name. He seems someone who is used to gaming the system , he would not be so simple-minded to own something valuable to his name that can be repossessed. In shorts, it's not that you had or have a lot of leverage to make him stop, and it's quite debatable that if you had you countersued in the past you'd have obtained better results- or any results at all. Your solution is/was not , necessarily, the best solution.
Try and see if you can be there for your husband without taking everything so persoinally and without becoming so fusional- which is an elegant way to say , well, meddlesome. Join meetings, deliver documents, prepare files ?..you are not a paralegal, and you are not your husband secretary's nor his doting mom ! Your husband is , supposedly, a capable adult who can take care of his business , with the help of appointed ( and paid ) specialists , of course some times his business may become stressful, - this is life , as a , supposedly , capable adult he will handle stress too . Lend an understanding ear every now and then, come up with pleasant things to do together to take his mind off legal stuff, intervene personally only in a real emergency and if required by him. Other than that, -stay off his back; one can be supportive without being managerial.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 November 2020):
 You are married to man who sees things kind of black and white but in a GOOD way.
He knows he didn't hit the guy, the courts cleared him so PRESUMING that it would be over is kind of reasonable, but perhaps a bit naïve.
You are mad because he didn't listen to you. I don't blame you. The thing is, you can't go change the past and NEITHER can your husband.
So COUNTERSUING now, is in your eyes a day late and a dollar short - however HE is saying OK enough is enough.
You have to find ways to counter the stress. From finding perhaps some Yoga routines, breathing exercises to going for a walk, run or get a punching bag and hit it, get a stress ball - SOMETHING where you can teach yourself to de-stress.
Your husband is a non-confrontational guy who believes in right and wrong. Nothing wrong with that. I think you see it perhaps as a weakness? I think it's understanble from BOTH your points of view. Sometimes, OP you are going to NOT agree with your husband, and sometimes HE is not going to agree with you.
Let it go, IF you can. Don't let this dude ruin your marriage and your peace of mind. He isn't WORTH it.
The ball is rolling and HOPEFULLY countersuing this guy will FINALLY make it stop.
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