A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm single for almost 3 years now and I long for a new relationship. I take care of myself, I'm not Scarlett Johanson but I get told I'm pretty every now and then, I have an active life, go out, do dancing classes, meet new people, but I really miss the intimacy that nothing else can replace.But even though I feel really lonely and get quite a few offers from interested men, I always reject. Very often there's no spark and no curiosity on my part and I don't want to start anything in a half-assed way. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm doing something wrong yet I don't know what. I can't just "lower my standards". I need to feel attraction in order to be motivated for intimacy but I don't expect anyone to be a model or a millionaire or a scientist. I just want to meet someone I feel some basic sympathy and attraction for. Yet, I seem to be unable to feel a little spark for anyone at all for the last months. Also, my libido is barely existing anymore and I've become very distanced with people in general. It's like my loneliness is making me even more lonely. Of course I've got my friends but they are all in relationships and I feel that makes our relationship more shallow than when they were single.Does anyone of you know how to get out of this place in life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thank you all for your answers..
.. so, the bottom line is that it's more complicated, right? That sparks can develop over time and that maybe I need more patience. In my previous relationship it also worked that way. We were friends for over a year until we got together.
The problem is, I live in a very female universe. I am almost only friends with girls, I study something where almost all the students are female.
Most of the time I meet men over the internet. And then it's kind of more difficult to let things develop slowly. Because there's no "natural" way to meet through work or friends so you kind of have to decide quite fast, after one or two dates. Well. Don't know. Maybe this is not even through, I just always saw it that way.
Maybe it's time to change my strategy and take more time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): I know what you mean by spark, BUT... At least give it a try with someone who is good looking enough for you but you don't feel this immediate spark with.I had lots of "sparks" in my life, and I mean lots. I would go from one guy to another who were really good looking, that was my standard those days. Most of them not even worth remembering now. Even one my girlfriends told me once that I only pick guys who are appearance wise are much more handsomer than me, so to speak out of my league.Did i want to prove to myself that I must be beatifull if a guy like that wants to be with me, may be I don't know.When I met my future husband, there was no spark. In fact, I couldn't even understand if he is considered good looking. He was taller than me, blue eyes, well built, but because there was no spark, I assumed that he is not that great looking. We started hangout, it was not dating at first, just hang out with friends, catch a movie, coffee or a drink.The way he talked, and interacted with people with great respect for them, the way he was around me, looking at me admiringly, I after a month felt a little curiosity for him. Still no particular spark. Then we went on someones wedding as friends, and one girl there asked me what's the deal with me and him. I answered her that we are just friends. She took it as permission to go for him. The girl was beatifull, very stylish, actually model looking. It got my interest. He actually went on couple dates with her, friends told me. Then after couple of weeks, he showed up again, and invited me to go camping. Then when I saw him with no shirt on, and a little spark appeared in my stomach:). Then little by little there was not a day didn't think of him, and there was no days that we didn't see each other. When we finally had sex, it was amazing.Now we are married for more than 20 years, grown kids. What I'm saying don't let a good guy go if there is no immediate spark. sparks do appear with us girls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): i was single for 3 years before meeting my current boyfriend and i felt exactly like you, everytime i was asked out i thought im not attracted, theres no chemistry
when i met my boyfriend i felt the same no attraction, no spark but my friends in work convinced me that i have to give him a chance because i didnt know him and they were right. When I got to know him the chemistry was unreal he was perfect for me, i kept thinking i deserve to be happy and i know he can be that person to do that if i gave him a chance.
What i am trying to say is how you do expect to get in any chemistry or attraction to a man without giving them a chance? you said you say no to the first date, if you carry on like that you will be alone forever! before concluding that theres no spark at least go on one or two dates with them, only you can make yourself feel happy and less lonely, it sounds like youve condemned yourself to a lonely life and theres no way past it but there is if you try.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Sometimes there's not an instant spark with someone, you need to take the time to get to know a person. Try starting out as friends with someone whom you have good chemistry with and can talk to for hours on end about anything and everything without getting bored. You need someone who opens your mind and you heart and leaves you with an appetite to know the next and the next and the next thing about them. Basically someone who brings you to life, mind, body and soul.
Another thing is, you don't want to be with a person because you feel they need your sympathy, that's like being with a person because you feel obligated to be with them, and that's exactly how the relationship will feel the whole way through, because you made the decision to be with them based on the wrong reasons.
It may be worth looking a little closer to your hobbies to find a guy, the more common interests you share with a person, the more likely you are to get along with them.
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