A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together (happily) for four years. We have occasional conflict, and we both have our quirks, but after so long together I generally feel like I know ways to effectively defuse my boyfriend's issues in the rare instances when they arise. We decided to move in together, though, and I've been completely blindsided by how the situation has turned out. I'm looking for advice on how to deal with our problems, because what I've been trying clearly isn't working. I apologize is I'm too wordy, but our problem is based on various factors:We decided about a year ago that come this fall we would get a new apartment together. For much of our relationship, we've lived about 30 miles apart, him in the suburbs and me in the city. Our jobs are each located respectively where we live. The initial idea was that my boyfriend, a teacher, would get a job in the city and we would choose an apartment in the area where I currently live. Unfortunately there were teacher layoffs this year, though, and chances of him switching districts was impossible. My boyfriend thus suggested that since he drives he would just commute. We talked at the time about the added expense of tolls and the fact that traffic could make his commute fairly substantial. Still, he said he would do it.Fast forward to about two months ago, and I began looking for an apartment in my neighborhood, per our plan. Occasionally my boyfriend would bring up how it would really make more sense for us to move into the suburbs because it would make his life easier commute-wise and would save us some money. Each time, I explained to him that I was unwilling to give up my lifestyle in the city, and that I was willing to pay more than my share to offset his burden of expenses. I also pointed out that although his commute would be significant, if I moved to the suburbs I'd be facing the same issue. So either way one of us had to make the sacrifice, and at least by being in the city we had all of the added bonuses of the lifestyle that we wanted. I could tell he didn't necessarily agree, but each time he'd drop it, so I carried on with out plan.I found us a great apartment and moved in at the beginning of October, began setting up house and got things ready. My boyfriend was supposed to move in this past weekend. He showed up with a garbage bag full of clothes and a really negative attitude. He started saying little quips, like "no, we better not got to that nice restaurant, we need to save money since my bank account is about to be bombed by this commute." I assumed it was partially cold feet and tried not to feed into his negativity, though the weekend was definitely tainted with tension.Then came the first day for him to actually do the commute. He stayed up until 2 am, unable to sleep, in an absolute fit over the drive he would have to do in the morning. When he got up at 6:30 am, he stomped around, waking me, pointed out how the sun hadn't even come up, and continued to mumble under his breath about what a terrible situation it is. He spent the entire rest of the day in a fit. He eventually apologized, and said he wasn't mad at me, just mad at this terrible situation he allowed himself to be put in. The days since have remained the same. He is not a mean person, but his entire demeanor has changed. I know I've asked a lot of him, and I've apologized that maybe I didn't really hear him when he tried -- however subtly -- to tell me he didn't think my choice of location would work for him. I've also tried to make the commute as nice as possible for him: I've gotten him a toll pass so he doesn't have to wait in line to cross the big bridge, I burned him CDs with his favorite songs to keep him occupied, and I've started looking around for a parking space to rent so that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to circle the block looking for a spot. He says he appreciates it. But every word that comes out his mouth has a terrible tone.I signed a one-year lease, so we can't go back, we can only make the best of this situation. I'm tempted to tell him to move back to the suburbs, because he (maybe we) aren't ready to live together. The problem is that the living together itself is fine and we generally get along quite well on day-to-day things. How do I get him to overcome this frustration and hostility about the commute so that we can really enjoy being together? It's like he's a different person because he's so consumed by anger. I'm at a loss.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2011):
 leases can be broken. MY formerly LDR fiance just signed to break his yesterday... 90 day notice but we will live.
I had to give 60 days notice many years ago on a brand new lease because I bought a house that fell into my lap at the time... leases can be broken go ask how much notice they need. there are laws about this.
My fiance uprooted his whole life and moved 100 miles away to be with me. He may have to commute back to his office full time for a while instead of just 2 times a week... it's at least a 90 minute drive... we had to buy a second car for this....
My commute from home some days is frustrating and I have done the 2.5 hour commute from his apartment to my office on occasion and gawd help me if I had to do it daily I would freak.
why couldn't you guys split the difference and move halfway betweent he two homes???
THE OP SAID: "Occasionally my boyfriend would bring up how it would really make more sense for us to move into the suburbs because it would make his life easier commute-wise and would save us some money. "
so you did NOT listen to him when he told you this. CLEARLY he was telling you he was not happy... and yet you opted to IGNORE him
THE OP SAID: " Each time, I explained to him that I was unwilling to give up my lifestyle in the city, and that I was willing to pay more than my share to offset his burden of expenses."
sometimes money is not the issue.. stress is. Time is... desire is.. MONEY cannot fix everything...
my advice... tomorrow march yourself into the rental office and find out what's needed to legally break the lease. get it in writing and take it home to him to discuss your options.
he's angry and I don't really blame him.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 My guess is that he felt pressured in to moving to the city by you as you were unwilling to move to the subarbs and now he is taking his frustration out on you because he has this big long drive to get through each day. Am guessing it is adding to his stress and therefore it is making him resentful and angry. I guess he thought he would be able to deal with the added pressure but now he can't and he is taking his anger out on you. My suggestion would have been that you both met in the middle and moved somewhere in between both of your work places. But it is to late for that now. I guess you have done everything in your power to make his life less stressful and am sure he is grateful for this. I guess just give him some time and he should hopefully get in to a routine. As for the added expenses, well it sounds like this is putting added pressure on him as well. But it shouldn't stop the both of you having fun together in the relationship. Don't let this suck all the life out of the relationship. In the evenings plan some thing special so that the both of you can relax and enjoy each others company again. If you cannot afford to go to a restaurant well then make a romantic candle lit dinner at home for him and relax with some movie's and a bottle of wine. Make sure that you both make time for each other and show him that you appreciate him making this huge sacrifice for him, remind him that you are very thankful for it and hopefully in time he will get in to the routine and be less stressed.
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