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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey all so I have been engaged for some months now and due to be married in some weeks. This might be a cliched problem but I have a bit of a difficult Sister in Law situation to deal with. Ever since we announced our wedding, my sister in law has simply stepped in unasked, taking over a lot of roles and responsibilities unasked. The day our families met each other, she straight away announced to my father that she would be my older sister and take care of me at all costs. In private she actually said she wanted to be a daughter to my parents and therefore be an older sister to me. I didn't interject too much because she had only lost her father and seemed bereaved. I politely requested to treat me as a friend. She said no with a cold smile. I didnt say much and simply maintained my distance thereafter. Almost on all family occasions, I found her perpetually ignoring me as well as my mother and trying to spend too much time with my father. In these instances too I didn't say much since she had lost a father and perhaps found mine to be a father figure. Slowly it went to her making independent plans for the wedding without anyone else knowing about it. She bought tons of clothes and accessories without anyone knowing and simply gave it me saying that this was for me to buy for pre-wedding, post wedding occasions,honeymoon not spared!! There were also bags, shoes and even a necklace!! Each time she shopped and came back with a spread and I politely refused these gifts -she would be like- " Its my wish to do this for you .. you the bride .. I so love shopping for you". MIL partly stays with her, and she would use this opportunity to criticize me extensively about my taste in clothes, etc. I tried to get her a couple of things that she usually liked and she instantly rebuffed them rudely. Same attitude was shown to my parents when they were invited to her kid's birthday party and they gifted her and the kid. The other day, she just turned up for dinner without notice. It was a weekend and I had come to my parents place. She turned up with her husband and kid and simply landed up at our doorstep. We were taken a bit aback ( we were in the midst of a whole heap of wedding stuff) but greeted her warmly. She actually told us that she came to watch television in my home and didnt come to see any of us. She was rude to us for another hour. Next thing we knew she began fighting with her husband, reprimanding him etc in front of us. While leaving, I wished her bye and said I will stay in touch-I explained I was consumed with work and hence couldn't contact her much ( I was overworked the past 2 weeks and couldnt catch up much with anyone due to a tight office schedule + wedding to organize), she politely said I needn't be in touch. I am not in touch ever since and its been a relief actually. Thankfully post this episode both my parents realised that she doesn't seem to be the person she purports to be and have been quietly supportive of my ever since.Our families are vastly different. My fiance's family is a bit of an old money bunch. The women are lets just say conservative uppity society women. My parents slogged their way up. Our thinking patterns therefore differ. I was brought up to believe in frugality, learn survival skills and fend for myself in general. MIL and SIL on the other hand are different. My MIL is in fact an affectionate and efficient woman who ran her family successfully. SIL is a different story altogether. I realised she and her spouse both nearly live off my fiance. She is his older sister. she's nearly a decade older than me which puts her in her 40s. She also has a young child. Until FIL's demise recently, she largely lived off him ( which we know from sources in turn lead to him worrying about her incessantly). So all the shopping was done on my fiance's account and from my FIL's remaining estate ( which is not much in fact), whose actual beneficiary is my mother in law. SIL was actually a fashion designer who quit a few years back and has no interest in working. Her SO isn't working much either. Not much savings in hand. She's extremely obese and eats very unhealthily, ordering from really upmarket eateries and burning cash. I didn't begrudge her health related habits until she started criticizing me and tried to force me to eat unhealthy stuff when I went to visit Fiance + family. Now she her SO and MIL take turns making fun of me. Its either forcing me to eat unhealthy stuff ( I have avoided visiting them in the past one month, steadily excercising and dieting instead), or snarkily asking me if I am losing weight after so much excercising ( I am indeed having trouble after severe hormonal issues). Fiance is a perceptive guy, but he too has been brought up on decades of comfort eating and is in a largely sedantary profession. SIL has repeatedly made fun of my job too (its pretty decent actually and helps me maintain my lifestyle and independence neatly enough) I wouldn't mind my SIL and her after a point, but if it has a material impact on our finances and our lifestyle, we need to acknowledge it and draw boundaries ( Fiance too is in his late 30's and I worry about his lifestyle where healthy eating and fitness don't have a slot as of now. He wants to do better in life and I believe if he wants to fulfill his ambition then he also needs to pay attention to his health needs and lifestyle soon enough. I really love him and like my MIL too, but having seen such situations in other families, i think my SIL's position is quite precarious, wedding tantrums aside-- the wedding is after all only a 1 day event and only marks the start of a relationship for all of us. I am perfectly fine if my fiance buys her anything or her family anything once in a while when she comes visiting or when we visit them. I am not okay with my us turning full time sponsors after FIL's departure. Fiance's somehow conditioned to think if anyone spends anything in the vicinity he has to provide for it. He provides for SIL's netflix subscription and was insistent on paying for mine when I asked him back off sternly saying I was independent and like to do my own thing. How do I establish boundaries here ? I respect all relationships here (mother daughter sibling bond all of it) I am not looking to draw swords or anything, but the problem seems to be grave and seems to have the potential to fester into long term unhappiness / stress.I am sure my fiance too realises this post his dad's demise, but I am concerned it would lead to excessive stress going forward if we dont put a stop to this not to mention my own boundaries encroached if i dont watch out too much. I am not sure how to open a conversation with my fiance and how to draw boundaries around myself where this lady is concerned. It all our long term happiness at stake. Please help with your inputs aunts and uncles
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): Wiseowl is right. This is your fault for being too quiet, laid back, cowardly about saying no or calling the shots. You think it is more important for her to like you and approve of you than to listen to you and for you to have your own life your way. How daft is that? What an enormous price to pay for being dominated by this horrible woman.
I've come across plenty of people like her. Including my husband's family. His brother often comes to our area of the country (he is normally at least 700 miles away) and we always say to him he is very welcome to visit so long as he gives us notice and checks it is convenient. Why? Because we both work. We both have other things to do. I work from home so it is not convenient for people to just ring the doorbell and walk in. He does not like it but it'show it is, because it is our life and our home. What annoys me is that he always says something like "I don't know what I am doing yet when I am your way, I might pop in, if it gets very boring and I run out of other things to do". He does not want to confirm it or arrange something because that would be something he has to stick to. He wants it as a last resort. But we are not going to cancel work and other stuff and sit around twiddling our thumbs in case he fancies visiting on the spur of the moment when bored.
Yes you need to be polite to family, but polite is very different to subservient or obedient as if you are a child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): Typo corrections:
"If you sense that [is] the case, it is wise not to accept them."
"If she shows-up uninvited; [ask] her to please call ahead, she caught you a bad time, and you shouldn't let her in."
***Don't turn anyone away who looks visibly in distress, or upset. That's when you should put aside any inconvenience to console a disturbed soul. Not when people come barging-in like they own the place.***
Don't confuse being "nice" with being passive or afraid of people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): Establishing boundaries requires courage, persistence, and a strategy. You deal with each issue as it comes, and you use your words. If something is done without your permission, or the courtesy of any consultation; use some fortitude, and deal with it. You can graciously thank the person for their thoughtfulness; but refuse to accept things you don't want, don't need, or feel was too expensive. As long as they have the receipts, they can return the items and get their refunds.
Buying your clothing and shoes (a grown-woman) is an insult to your face; when it's a passive-aggressive way of telling you they don't like the way you dress yourself. What woman would take that lying-down??? I know not one!!!
You're an adult, her soon to be sister-in-law, and she IS NOT your sister! She's acting like your boss, not an older-sister. Let your dad handle his own situation regarding her. He can't be her father, and the awkwardness will force him to finally straighten her out. If he chooses to just be passive, then she'll finally get on his nerves. Sooner or later, she'll push the wrong button. Just wait! Passivity and being submissive when people are taking advantage of you, makes life weird. You feel intruded upon. You can only take it but for so long!
Aggressive and bold people tend to get their way; because they are not afraid to push their weight around. Their favorite targets are people who clutch their pearls, fan themselves, and gasp in astonishment; but won't say anything. It becomes fun for them; especially, for those with narcissistic or intimidating/bullying personalities.
You are not forced to do anything you don't want to do. Exercise some maturity, girlfriend! Just because people are intrusive, or pushy, doesn't mean you have to sit there quietly, and let them bulldoze their way through your life. Nothing is said, so they have your silent consent and approval. When you put your foot down, and tell them you've had enough; they won't like it, but they will realize they've finally gone too far. If there's no limit, they will push-it!
You have a mouth, say something. If you're cowardly, we'll give you advice you probably won't bother to implement. You'll read it, and convince yourself you don't have the nerve. You'll cower in her presence, and she will take advantage of it. The wedding will have her all over it; and you'll feel more like you're a guest at the wedding, rather than the bride!
Simply put...use your words. That's how you set boundaries. Nobody can read your mind; so you have to speak your thoughts and express yourself. "No" means no! "No thank you" means you do not accept something offered or given. It has to be said in order to be heard!!! You must insist, and not backdown. If you cave-in every-time somebody uses excessive-force; they will establish who's in-control of the situation. They will assume the leadership role; and tell you what to do, and do what they think is best for you. The more they getaway with, the less respect they'll have for you.
It's mind-boggling how obstinate, stubborn, rebellious, sassy, and disobedient people are while they're teenagers, or adolescents; and suddenly become timid-adults when they've got to deal with the challenges of the world! Got a teenage niece or female-cousin? Wind her up, and set her loose on your SIL! Just kidding! That would be disrespectful to her elders.
The thing about human nature is it has its thresholds and limitations. Some people get brave only when cornered; and some like to wait until they get so aggravated, they'll blow-up! Then you'll lose all self-control, say all the wrong things in a rage; and you'll have the worst of outcomes. Things are better said and done with a cool head, and a sound mind.
All it takes is some nerve, finesse, and assertiveness; and you will earn some respect. Trying to be dainty and being artificially "sweet;" when deep inside you can't stand what's happening, is just being phony.
If you don't want somebody else to plan your wedding, show some assertiveness and take-back your control. Graciously accept any generous cash-donations; as long as they are definitely not loans in disguise, or don't have strings attached! If someone offers you money, of course it is courteous to refuse it; but if they insist, make sure it's not a bribe, and they're not expecting something in-return. How do you do that? You simply ask! Be tactful and honest. Some gifts are only Trojan horses, given with animus and a hidden agenda. If you sense that it the case, it is wise not to accept them. Show only slight offense, but don't be overdramatic. Always be gracious when people are being generous; but when you know the score, don't play games! Politely decline the gift, and insist that you cannot accept it. If delivered in bags, with the store logo on it; girlfriend, she shopped for you! She is dictating your style, and insulting your taste!
People will size you up these days, and will go only as far as we let them. Nobody says you have to be bridezilla and throw tantrums and fits. You and your parents should just speak-up and dig-in your heals. You're afraid of confrontation; she has now established that is the case. Now she will just show-up whenever she pleases, do whatever she pleases, and run the entire show. Why? Maybe because she has no opposition, everybody just stands there in awe and righteous indignation; but nobody says anything. Hemming and hawing, being wishy-washy, while she has taken-over. Stop using her loss as your excuse for being intimidated. You didn't kill her father! She's a 40 year-old woman, not a 4 year-old child!!! It ain't grief that's making her walk on you like a doormat, that's just a lot of nerve and gall!
You'll say something when you're fed-up enough. We can't talk assertiveness or courage into you; you have to develop it within yourself. You should thank your SIL for all her help up to now; but from here on, you've got this. If she shows-up uninvited; as her to please call ahead, she caught you a bad time, and you shouldn't let her in. Grief is no excuse for rudeness, disrespect, and bullying. She is showing you her true colors.
As for your fiancé's health and lifestyle; you need to sit and talk about eating healthier and incorporating some recreational-activities and exercise into your lives, starting as soon as reasonable. You may not have the time now, due to work and planning; but you need to talk immediately, if you see health-issues that require attention. As far as his weight, don't come-off as overly-critical, but duly concerned; you know he doesn't eat right, and you can both work-on a healthier lifestyle as newly-weds.
I wish you the best!
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