A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Does it seem like I'm thinking this through rationally, am I being an asshole, or both?My girlfriend of a year says she loves me, and is always good to me. We have fun together, but she never hangs out with my friends, and when she does, she doesn't seem to enjoy it. She says she's attracted to me sexually; I worry sex for her is something she does because I like it. I don't think this is entirely my fault. She also has self-confidence and image issues which I find unattractive. Sometimes it feels like I trade emotional support for sex.I think we could do better than each other, but I don't think she'd agree, and I'm worried that being up front about my feelings will make her at least a little unstable. I want to see other people; I don't want to hurt her. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 You can't dump a person who loves you without hurting her. What you can do is break up in a mature manner, one that will spare her as much pain as possible. To me, that way is being frank and honest about what you feel and what she can expect from you.
You could think that putting just a millimeter of distance a day between you and her would work. But it wouldn't. She would eventually perceive your becoming more distant, and every millimeter of it would hurt her. She would go from thinking that nothing is the matter, to thinking that perhaps something is, to becoming gradually sure that indeed something is wrong, to agonizing over the long end.
Give her the ax in a quick and respectful manner.
I don't think you're an asshole. I do feel that, when you talk to her, you should do it in a less convoluted manner. i feel like you want to say things, only in a manner people won't find you to be I-don't-know-what. I have the feeling that you wouldn't say "water", but "the chemically pure liquid, transparent, odorless, colorless, tasteless combination of hydrogen and oxygen". I don't say this to be an asshole myself: I just think she should get a clear message. Most likely she will feel very confused when you dump her, and that will add to her pain.
A
male
reader, TCHP  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Usually the best thing to do is to just put a dying relationship out of its misery, as opposed to letting it die slowly and painfully.
Dumpage hurts everyone involved, but you can minimise the damage done by just being (kinda) honest and telling her it just isnt working.
If it hasnt been working for a long time, it aint gonna get better dude.
Anyhoo, look luck!
-T
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