A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I came home Monday happy to be home to my wife and our newborn twins. I was met at the door by my wife who excitely told me that she wants to carry a baby for her twin sister. She is 41. Her sister recently recovered from breast cancer and is not able to have a baby.My immediate rections was a sense of betrayal. She had already hatched this idea with her sister, and they had obviously had many discussions about it. How am I supposed to feel when a major life decision is just introduced to me like that? I also feel like her sister, and my brother-in-law should at least ask me how I feel on the matter? So far -nothing. My wife also told me that if I were to tell them how I really feel, they would opt not to go ahead with it, and she would never forgive me. How do I deal with that?I suggested councelling to help over these issues, and my wife keeps calling them "mine", but it seems to me if we are married, they are ours - am I wrong?I also am somewhat disturbed by the biology of the whole thing. Ultimately, my wife will be going to a clinic to receive sperm from my brother-in-law. She is going to create a child with my brother-in-law. She says that as a twin she feels her eggs are the same as her sister's so there will be no feeling of a connection - but I worry this will be different after 9 months of pregnancy.I am feeling like I am in a real corner here - on one side I have my wife's happiness, and the happiness of her sister and husband hanging on me, on the other, I fear if she goes aheahd with this, I will never be able to fully accept it, and the issues will drive a wedge between us.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 There are other options to have a baby .
Go for an IVF and a surrogate woman.
You can read my article here;-
http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2007/12/09/designer-babies-rent-a-womb-woman/
Your wife is more closer to her twin sister than to you.
It is a great sacrifice on your part and also your wife.
It is three against one.
I hope you can come to an amicable solution to this problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. Well, I approached the idea of having the IVF treatment - taking an egg from my wife, and fertilizing it with my borther-in-laws swimmers and then giving my sister-in-law the chance to have the baby. My wife said it is too complex, potentially painful for her, expensive, and has high rate of birth-defects, and she will only consider it. I got the sense that she was just telling me that - even when I suggested that it was a good compromise to keep everyone happy - and that I would even be happy if we paid half for the process simply because see it as investment in our continued marital happiness.
I also sugested the 4 party meeting with a counsellor, and she accepted that with what seemed like a bit of distaste. I really lfeel like she thinks it is entirely my issue if I am concerned about this, and that is realy giving me trouble. She keeps saying "we can talk about this later," but it seems to weight in my mind all the time. I am having trouble eating, and seem constantly stressed. Not a good place to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I can't add anything to the excellent answers that you have gotten so far. All I can say is that I would feel terribly betrayed and hurt if I were in your situation and would have a very difficult time ever trusting my wife again. I think that you have to gently as possible let her know exactly how you feel.
I think that this discussion has to start again from the biginning and with a proper counselor involved. Everyone has to forget what has already been decided and all options need to be investigated again. You have got to make your wife understand that if the entire discussion does not begain anew that your marriage might be in jeopardy, if that is how you feel.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 But if you wife donates an egg, her sister's ovaries have nothing to do with it! She still has a uterus, right? Well, there's probably still concern about the cancer treatment. So it's probably a no-go solution.
I wouldn't present it as a 'no' on your part to the sister/brother in law, more as you have some concerns that need to be addressed. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.
What a dilemma, your sister in law and wife probably think they've come up with the best solution but haven't fully thought it through...
Try to talk calmly to your wife about this, I think that expressing your side is important but if you can, at all, stay as serene and caring as you can possibly be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. My wife's sister had an ovary removed last year as a precaution - and due to the cancer treatment, the Dr feels her other ovary would be damaged. That is why it is not an option.Am I crazy for feeling slightly more comfortable with the idea that my wife's egg was removed, fertilized and then implanted as opposed to being insemination - there is something about that process that keep troubling me - I am not sure why. I appreciate hearing that I am not wrong in feeling betrayed, and I really like the idea of having the four of us and a councillor talk about these issues - I wonder if the sister's would allow that, or if my wife would be affraid that would threaten her sister/bro-in-laws thoughts on the matter. If I suggest that course, and she turns me down, I will have a much better idea of where I stand in terms of their decision making, and my relevance in the marriage.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
I think that you're very entitled to feel betrayed by not being consulted in this very life-altering decision. It does seem as your feelings are not being taken into consideration at all and that your concerns are being swept under the carpet.
Let's tease out the issues for a bit of analysis.
Your wife said she'd never forgive you for blocking this decision; I have to ask why she can't see that you might never forgive her for making this decision without consulting you. This goes both ways, and your very understandable concerns are not being given the consideration they deserve. You two are a team, you're in a marriage, with children, newborn twins.
I expect that you and your wife are very happy to have these new babies in your life, and quite likely her twin and husband are devastated by the fact that they won't be able to conceive their own children. It's probably been a source of much grief for them, not to mention the stress of dealing with breast cancer.
I don't know much about twins, but I think they tend to share a bond that the rest of us never truly can understand, and identical twins probably even more so that fraternal twins. They've always been together, and share the same genes and their entire life together, up until they each got married.
So your wife put the feelings and desires of her twin above your own, and is threatening you in a drastic way. I'd be very angry with her, but at the same time I can understand that she wants her sister to experience parenthood with a child or children who are essentially her own, due to the same genetic make up.
This deserves further consideration on her part, and I think she really needs to understand your hurt and anger at being pushed completely out of this decision loop.
Waterloo raises an interesting question; why can't your wife donate eggs so that her sister carry her own child? That might be a solution worth exploring. As I understand it, it involves hormones given to the donating party, and some uncomfortable procedures to retrieve the ova. But it IS doable. Why couldn't you all explore this avenue first? Worth a try.
A good clinic will make sure that the parties involved are counseled and that such a surrogacy wouldn't cause psychological distress to them, I think.
Yes, I'd be beyond pissed off at my wife if she suggested that these issues were my own problem. I'd resent the entire thing unless I'd had a chance to properly process all the conflicting emotions and sort out my feelings.
It may be that with a bit of work by you and your wife, you might come to accept the plan as a good one. But then again, you might not. It's still early days still, and you deserve to be heard out in this.
I'm not sure that this will help you, but maybe you'll have a chance to be able to think about this with some clarity after the quite right initial burst of anger subsides.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Well, this is my take on the situation and dont let it sway you either way. BUT, i would be rather pissed off if that was me. She should of discussed it with you first, and not left you to be the last to know, she is your wife. I have had three kids and i can understand the maternal bit for her sister, the longing to have a child, and yet not being able to have a one, must be terrible, but at the same time, she is your wife. I can understand her want to give her sister the child of her life and dreams though. BUT I understand how you must feel pushed into the background. Only you can decided how you want to go on in the future, but i think the decision has been made especially when she said that she will never forgive you if you let them know how against it you are. Sorry, mate but i wouldnt want to be in your shoes, cos your wife is going to have this child, or as the saying goes: You are damned if you do, and damned if you dont. You cannot win, so you have to decide which you can live with. If neither, then you may have to be prepared to leave your wife and move on, but this is not for me to decide. The decision is yours. Let me know what you do decide. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (4 June 2008):
 There's an interesting thing to think about here. Neither you and your brother-in-law are ever going to be as close to your wives as your wives are to themselves. Twins have an extremely strong bond between them (something a lot of sociologist could easily tell you is true). So, it's probably something that the two ladies created among themselves.
While she is correct that if they are identical twins, then it's logical to assume that they would have the same genetic material in their eggs. I think that you are somewhat justified in your wife having an attachment to a child that she would be carrying. I think that you four need to come to terms with that. Also, is that your sister-in-law can't carry a child or has somehow damaged her eggs because of the cancer treatments? If she's able to carry child, why not consider donating your wife's eggs?
I do feel for you that you were left out of the loop in this plan. I do feel that as it would effect your life and marriage (not to mention your immediate family and children of your own). It seems that you were the last to know. But now that you are in the loop, you four should sit down and rationally discuss all the pro's and con's about this. If anything, perhaps bringing in a councilor of some kind into your discussions. But I hope that things don't proceed any further than they are now without all of you laying your concerns on the table and clearing the air.
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