A
female
age
,
*lmost fifty
writes:I am moving towards leaving my husband of 23 years. Though he is a good guy, I don't want to hurt him. The dagger that he will feel will hurt more than the years of irritation I have felt, but at least it will be quick.My therapist explained that if I didn't tell him soon, then I would probably have to wait until I was fed up enough again to seek therapy ( something I haven't done for a few years.) I think I call a therapist when I get really fed up and want to complain, not so much because I'm struggling with inner turmoil. The current guy isn't that good, but he did open my eyes, and basicallly give me permission to consider divorce. It's the first time anyone has done that (said it was ok to think about it), and it has my mind reeling. I'm looking for advice about how to break the news to him, and what I need to do to prepare for the split. Call lawyer, find an apartment, when to tell the older teenagers? I'm sure there are Aunts and Uncles out there who have been through this on either side of the breakup fence.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 August 2010):
 It's in the wording. You don't have to just come right out and say it. I'd say something like, "We don't talk, you're disconnected from me and the kid, and this is driving me to reconsidering if I want to remain in this marriage." Opening up dialogue without attacking or seeking to argue or defend what's going on. With their marriage, he may have learned these habits from his parents, which in a way, justifies his behavior. We learn how to socialize and interact by witnessing others do the same. While you're ready to leave, he may think you two have a perfect marriage, because his parents are successful in theirs and he is imitating what he learned on how to have a lasting marriage. Some couples can do the non communication, but in their own special way, they are communicating. I heard a story where the husband and wife did not speak all day, they were wealthy and had one of the huge dinner party tables, although they didn't speak during the day, each evening, they would sit in their chairs, right next to each other and hold hands while they ate dinner.
We often hear, he's not the same man that I married. If your situation falls within that, again he may not be out of love of believing there is something wrong. Often, when people disconnect or they are bitter, they are displaying behaviors that are a direct reflection of how they view themselves. More often than not, it has nothing to do with the one who ends up getting hurt. If I'm excited and ready to tackle the world, I bring that to share with my family, and the same would be true if I were depressed and didn't like myself very much. The only person you can control is you, and what you choose to bring to your family. He'd need to do the same.
Take care.
A
female
reader, Almost fifty +, writes (25 August 2010):
Almost fifty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for taking the time to comment on my situation. It will take a little more thought and planning on my part, and I do want to try talking to my husband about it, but I'm afraid that the minute I say that I'm considering leaving, he will be crushed and not able to do anything about it.
As far as losing someone as a child, his dad was pretty non-communicative, and he sees his parents 53 year marriage as good. I saw them as spending their days toegether with minmal bickering, but no conversation, no affection, in other words, nothing. They would drive across country and not speak for hours at a stretch! I suspect the same thing will happen to us if I don't do something to change my destiny.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 August 2010):
I would ask him..... It sounds like their is communication lacking, but not just from his side. You've accepted his disconnect as just being the way it is. Let him know what your plans are, instead of complaining about things not working out. Tell him that you are considering divorce. It may be simple, he may see divorce as well. Who knows, unless you ask. You seem like a strong woman. Instead of just residing in this house with this man you're disconnecting from and wanting to leave, tell him that is what you are planning on doing.
What I wonder also is what's going on with your husband. Why is this man so disconnected from you and from his children. It almost seems as if he has major fear, or phobias, in getting to close. Has he lost someone he was close to, or did he loose someone such as parents, relatives or good friends as a child? I ask because this level of disconnect is abnormal and doesn't seem like he's introverted or a loaner, per se. Those who are introverted still have relationships with their kids. How long has this been happening? What about when your kids were babies, was he as disconnected? I agree that not communicating and being open with you doesn't help much, but I think from what you've said there is something more going on than just someone who's disconnected.
I recommend you talking to him and telling him what you're planning on doing. I feel the problem in this marriage is that their are no boundaries, that you and your husband just let whatever happen, and you've been living in this rut of just being. Relationships are created, they don't just happen. Even someone who is romantic has to plan and execute the romance. A guy can show up as a night on a white horse, if it's planned, executed, and if the city allows the horse inside city limits. This is where boundaries are established. It's where you say, this is how I want to and deserve to be treated. You two raised your kids, where did you implement time to focus on the two of you and your marriage.
I won't tell you not to leave and I won't tell you to leave. I only want to give you a direction to consider. Think about your marriage, and how it has progressed into what its become. I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 August 2010):
From reading your response, I'm sure that for your sake you're making the right decision. It's all about you being totally prepared and completely ready for the split, which will be hard. Get support, make sure you have everything worked out and you know everything you need to know, then go for the split.
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A
female
reader, Almost fifty +, writes (24 August 2010):
Almost fifty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had outlined much of what led up to the decision in my initial question, and the editors felt that it was too similar to an earlier post of mine. I felt I had to leave the info out to get the question about how to prepare for divorce posted. Over the last 20 years, my husband and I have been in counseling at least 3 times, in which things get a little better for a while, but revert back with a few months. He is a good guy, but very non-communicative, and not affectionate. I realize if I leave, communication and affection will continue to be a problem since there won't be anyone there. however, there won't be the walking on eggshell feeling either.This is not some mid-life crisis, I even wondered if I should have married him at the beginning. I was just craving stability at the time, and we had kids a 1-1/2 years later. Every year that I go away with my girlfriend for a weekend, I spend a lot of time complaining about how it's not working. I am now looking forward to living on my own, even though I realize it will mean a drop in my standard of living. I am willing to go and get the apartment, and support my kids. They may be a little unhappy having to move to smaller living quarters, but as long as there's computer service, they should be happy.I am not looking for another guy, I am looking forward to being single. I don't know how the children will fare, but they have to see that we aren't getting along very well. A few years ago my 18yo daughter said "Dad, it's not too late for you to connect with my younger sister" (who was 13 yo at the time). My 18 yo son told me he's done with his father. The 15 year old daughter barely speaks to him, or he to her. My husband always comes to me if he wants to ask them a questions, and I always tell him to ask them himself. I am VERY worried that he won't be able to keep in touch with them, and I will help him with that. Thanks for your replies, I feel like I need people to tell me not to do it to balance out, but I'm really leaning toward making the split happen this year. I just don't have it in me to try couples counseling again, he hates it and complains (silently) when I've made him go in the past.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 August 2010):
Are you sure it's not a midlife crisis? I'd have to agree with that question. Why the split? Is there any chance of seeking marital counseling to mend your marriage? Is the marriage in a rut? It happens to the best of them. Same ole, different day, but that can be changed. Have you reviewed different options, other than getting divorced?
Divorce is not easy. There will be flying emotions from both ends, and from your children. Make sure this is what's right for you before doing so. Just be prepared for the difficulty. You'll need an apartment, and a lawyer, which will not be cheap. You'd be the one petitioning the court, so in general, you'll be the one expected to flip the bill for court fees etc. Check with a lawyer in your state and get a better idea of what will be required. As far as telling your kids. There is no easy way. I'd sit them down for the talk, but expect them to have negative emotions.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 August 2010):
If you are serious about doing this, then you need to be prepared that this will be nasty. I say that, because in my few years of experience watching my friends' parents get divorced (I'm only 22, so haven't been through this), divorces get messy, the hurt spouse gets angry and the kids get the most pain of all.
You need to understand and be prepared that at first, you might well find yourself in a corner. You need to know why you want a divorce. Do you understand why you want it? If your children ask, will you be able to explain, calmly, why you needed to do this? If your husband gets very angry and really goes to get at you, do you have the support available to take the pain you will have directed at you. If your kids get mad, can you accept they need time to come around and may need space?
Basically, you need to be prepared for it all. Know how much money there is, know what you're entitled to (roughly a third of his income or so, if American divorces are the same as British ones.), know who owns the house, know about debts, credit cards, savings, shares, pensions. Make sure you have somewhere you can go, make sure your friends know what you are doing so you have support.
Then, when you are fully prepared, sit down with your husband, explain calmly (and always be calm - no anger or you'll look bad) that the marriage has been in trouble, nothing has changed and that you want a divorce. Then the kids come after him. They don't need to know the absolute reason, but they will want some explanation.
The most important thing is that you understand that you will be in a corner, so you need to be in a strong position. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Are you sure that you will not make greatest mistake of life by leaving a good husband ( which is very rare to find ) and cheat your kids ( if you have them ).
Are you aware that one divorce that changes the thinking of 21 people in society towards negativity. ( you, your DH, your son and your daughters, future step kids at both sides, step MOM, step dads and so on..)
Do you really think that you are so self centered that you can just divorce, just coz some one coined the idea.?
Do you really think that you can bear it on your conscience life long till death bed?
Are you sure you will not be in more painful situation after that at your age ( obviously you are passed your prime
age manopaused and may never have kids from you. )
Think 1000 times else you will kill you one day
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A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Remember, your therapist isn't the one who has to pick up a new life on your own, probably be poorer financially, deal with upsetting your children and family and generally paddling your own canoe. As YouWish says - perhaps counselling is the way to go since your husband is (in your own words) a nice guy, but just a bit irritating. After 23 years you're throwing away a nice guy because he irritates you? Many women regret throwing in a perfectly good marriage because of boredom or irritation and find that although initially they want to be "alone" once loneliness sets in, they're keen to meet another man, but are horrified to find out how few "good guys" are out there. Many a woman has looked back to the good old days of marital boredom, irritation and yes, contentment! and wished she was back there as living on your own or dealing with the creeps that walk this earth, is really not an improvement. Think very carefully before you take this step.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 August 2010):
 You said your husband is a good guy, and that you've been married for 23 years? Are you sure that you're not having a midlife crisis? Did he cheat on you or is an alcoholic, drug user, porn addict, financially unfaithful?
If he's not any of those things, don't you think you wouldn't owe it to the marriage to have some couples therapy or marriage counselling? Sometimes, little hurts and resentments build up and take over people's thinking, making leaving more preferable to getting things out in the open.
If you've done these things, you should get your finances in order first before calling a lawyer. Get to know everything - credit cards, house equity, savings accounts, stocks, 401(k)'s,life insurance policies (whole life with residual value)... everything financial. Find out if there's anything hidden. THEN break the news to him and get a lawyer.
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