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anonymous
writes: When is it appropriate for the person I've been seeing to spend the night? We've been seeing each other for 2 months. But here's the catch, I have two children, my son is 15 and my daughter is 9. My "friend" has spent lots of time with them and everyone likes each other. My kids know that we are starting to get serious. But because of his living situation I can't go over to his place. Should I just have him spend the night one night and let the kids figure it out? Or should I talk with them first? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 You should NOT bring home a guy you have been dating for two months. It's very early to say that you two are fully compatible and that this is gonna be an LTR. I don't want to jinx you, and I wish you well, but you may be split up next week for all you know. The relationship is just growing up and still very frail .
So what happpens next ? You bring home another "friend " then another and another etc.?
You and I are adults and we realize that at times a woman may have to kiss several frogs before finding her prince.
But there's no need to involve your children in this harsh reality of dating life....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): When should you bring a partner home? Right after the honeymoon. If you want to teach your children by example, show them that no man will get in bed with mom without having tied the knot. It's very simple. Research it and you will find why not giving in physically is the best way to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2005): Role modeling is the most powerful parenting tool known and it's wonderful that you understand how crucial it is to putting your children's feelings first, by writing in for advice. And yes, you aways respect your children by talking to them first about this issue.
Your relationship is still in it's infancy and you need to move very slowly. He sounds like a great guy and everyone is getting on great. But with him overnighting, it could create some resentment. Be careful. Right now it's so critical that your kids get used to him and two months of dating him just isn't long enough, in my books. Perhaps 6-9 months is even better. Even under the best of circumstances, acceptance of an outsider is tough for kids. If you try to share your child's time with a new guy right away, especially in your bedroom-their new friendship with him could seriously backfire. It's much too soon!
This likely doesn't apply in your case, but it needs to be said. Your children's safety comes first & foremost, and you need to make sure there is zero chance your new partner is inclined toward any type of abuse. One of the most common forms of child sexual abuse occurs after a single mother has a new boyfriend come into her home, for overnighters which leads to cohabitation. Again, proceed with caution.
Still, if this guy is playful, lighthearted, and fun with the kids & enjoys a healthy mix of adult-only and kid-included activities-then you're off to a good start. This guy is probably a good catch if he shows respect for you and your children and respects the boundaries that you set.
With that said, the other danger involves jumping in too quickly with a new love and allowing the children to become overly attached to the newcomer. It's a new relationship, there's a chance it won't work out and the kid's suffer a huge loss. Again move slowly-give it time for you and this guy to develop a long-lasting, deep, meaningful relationship.
In time, when your bf does start spending the night, and we know it will happen eventually, talk to your kids first & answer their questions completely but offering no additional information about what goes on in the bedroom.
I say this, because some kids are pretty darn precocious and will ask. The 15 year old may have different questions to ask, due to his age. Again, reassure him and answer as honestly as you can. The new relationships that work best with children in the home are committed relationships, so wait it out a few months before the bf stays overnight. When the time comes, tell the children you love this man, that he may stay overnight once in a while. In the meantime, spend some cash and get a room-it's the only option right now and the best one-because kids are important and you have to give them time to adjust..I hope this has been helpful-take care.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (26 August 2005):
 I was a kid in that situation and it is never easy for mom to bring home new company to spend the night. But what made it easier ( I was 12 at the time) was that she spoke to us first and told us how she felt ...the whole mom needs a friend thing. She explained that she loved us most and firstly and would never let anyone or anything change that. That reassurance coupled with the action behind it spoke volumes to us. The guy came over and he knew his boundaries...not too much affection with mom in front of us and we went to sleep before they did so it was not a shock for mom and her friend going to bed together ....if you know what I mean. We were part of the process and she valued our opinion about him and stuff. When it was time for him to move in...well we were a part of that too...and so far...my step dad has been great. He still knows that my bro and I are most important in my mom's life and he is cool with that. Think of your kids first...I know your needs are important...but being a single mom to a kid is tricky you are all they have that is constant in their life right now and they need to know that you will always be that constant. But it can work though...once you have the right approach.
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reader, pops +, writes (26 August 2005):
Talk to them first, Its their home, too, and they should at least be warned before another person is invited in. They are kids, and have no veto power, but liking someone you are dating and living with him are two different things. They have a father who is still their father, and they may be still too young to understand why you don't live with their father anymore. Another man in the house means they will have to explain who he is to their friends, your neighbors, etc., and they may be embarrassed to tell people that you are living with him even though you haven't married him. Give the kids a break, mom.
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female
reader, amiee  +, writes (25 August 2005):
 heya hunny,
right this situation is so common with perants honestly its not unusual. so what you need to do is start thinking positivly and get yourself into the right frame of mind before you aproch this matter with your "friend" and children. once you have got your mind in the right state heres what i personaly feel you should do.
firstly you dont need to say to your children straight away "the guy thats my friend isnt infact hes my boyfriend" whatever you say it will come out that way because that is how a teenager and child would take it. it is simply not the way to handle the situaltion because there would be alot more reactions and emotions going around the place.
simply sit down one night and while your talking together ask them "how would you feel if i had found someone else?" this is a calmer way to keep emotions at bay and an easier way to aprotch the subject directly without seeming it. (the children will know that you have a boyfriend however the question they have yet to answer will allow honest reactions and feelings to spill out especially from your son.)
after that state thet you have found someone and ask them how they would feel if it was the person you are currently dateing.
this way your children know that you are taking into consideration their feelings.
if everything works out fine then wait a week untill you let him stay the night. this allows your children to come to terms with everything and slowely everything would fall into place.
however reactions are not always this predictable i do not know your children so i can not predict how they would react but even if their reactions are not what you expect they will come to terms with the fact that you are dateing someone.
if this is the case then let your boyfriend spend some quality time with them on his own and let him try and explain his feelings providing it is the right time and moment. otherwise it could creat an akward moment between them and a hard subject to adress.
good luck
remeber be in the right frame of mind to make things easier and calmer. you can get through this and will get through this. i have great feelings that everything will work out perfectly in the end.
amiee xXx
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