A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last night, my long-time boyfriend and I had sex. It was both of our first time. We deeply love one another and were both ready for sex. My problem is that it was painful, for both of us. He is uncircumcised and the skin pulled back and hurt him. It was extremely painful for me. I was very tight for me. He wasn't able to fully penetrate me.I love my boyfriend very much and he loves me. Sex was a very important step in our relationship which I treasure. But I would like this to be satisfying for both of us.Are there any tips on how to make this more pleasurable for both of us?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): hi i can remember my first time i was fair nervious and didnt really no what to expect, i mean i had masterbated a few times before actually losing my virginaty. the girl i was with was a virgin to so it was quite scary for us both. my advice would be to have some oral sex before actually having full sexual intercourse as this will get the girl to form her own lubricant as normal then i would advise that the male should be errect but before actually inserting your penis into your partner you should fully pull your foreskin back which will not hurt. there for when your penis is inserted into the virginal area it will easily slide in and out as normal. DONT WORRIE ABOUT IT HURTING SLIGHTLY THIS IS VERY NORMAL. try not to focus on the pain try and think of how much this means to you both as taking your relationship to the next stage.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (4 January 2010):
I hope you two see this as part of a plan involving something like "marriage", or "life partners", etc. I can assure you that your disappointing experience will not be significant in the context of commitments you expect to last for several decades.
My wife & I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine, and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. Both of us experienced some physical pain in the experience - her more than I. I can assure you that the physiological mechanics of intercourse got MUCH better and it was MUCH more enjoyable with each subsequent experience. You can read about our experience in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! Despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
You and your B/F should read the article by "satindesire" - and the links and comments others have left on that page.
I hope that before you two tried intercourse you spent some time - a few days, to several months - getting acquainted with each other's bodies and sexual responses. I think a key element to minimizing the girl's discomfort is to bring her to orgasm just before attempting insertion. That will make her as relaxed, open, and lubricated as she'll ever be. It's best if you both have a little practice at bringing each other to climax, so you're both skilled and comfortable with the process.
A lot of folks suggest that you should get on top of him and guide him into you - he can NOT feel what you're feeling, and you can better find just the right location and angle to receive him. This probably takes more maturity than many young people have, so you may be too embarrassed to help yourself this way.
Once inside, he will probably finish much too quickly. The statistics are something like 95% of all guys climax too soon on their first time - I think the average for a virgin guy is about 5 seconds, and a bit less if he has a virgin partner. About 4% of guys lose their erection when the time arrives, or can't get hard. They get to spend time kissing, cuddling, and pleasuring their partner until the necessary response happens. About 1% of virgin guys have a skilled, understanding partner who lovingly helps them to an orgasm before trying insertion, then helps him re-charge (about 10 minutes, at your age) before trying the "real thing". This will help him have as much patience, control, and attention to your needs as he's capable of in that situation. It will also help him last a little longer inside you. (I wish that advice had been impressed on me!)
Other threads I contributed to include "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
I hope you can come back here and tell us how it went. You can be a REAL HELP to others in your situation by relating your experience, as best you feel comfortable with. Let them know what advice was most useful, what was way off-base, and what you wish somebody had told you.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (4 January 2010):
 Try some lube like KY Jelly. He should apply it after he inserts a condom and you can put some in and around your vagina.
Foreplay (kissing, hugging, caressing, masterbation) can help the woman produce natural lubrication. I still suggest KY Jelly for a head start.
KY Jelly and other lubricants can be found in most stores on the same self as the condoms.
Make sure he does not apply it directly to his penis, because this could cause the condom to slipp off during sex. Also, aviod vasaline, or lotions because they can weaken the condom causing condom failure.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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