A
female
age
30-35,
*ink_daisy
writes:Ok people I bet you will laugh and cringe equally when you read this little issue I'm having. Last night I asked my boyfriend if I could use his ipod at the gym this week (because he never uses it when he's there). Much to my surprise, he said no. Considering I let him use any of my stuff any time he asks, I didn't really see an issue. We had been out drinking for the Superbowl, so we both got a bit vocal. Albeit, I realized it was a petty fight so I tried to change the mood and tease him. Yet he did not want to get past the petty fight and continued to fight with me, until it got to a point that he said 2 very hurtful things: 1. He never really wanted me to live here, I forced it on him (when he's the one who begged me to move 200 miles from home because he was all alone here) and 2. He does "experiments" on me, such as says or does things simply to see how I'll react and if I'll react as he'd guessed I would. So of course, I felt very hurt and alienated from him and went and sat in the bathroom because really, I didn't know where else to go with my pain when I'm in a house that apparently I'm not actually wanted in. He came into the bathroom and said, "I want you here now, I enjoy you being here now." But to me it felt like he didn't mean it, was just saying it to be done with the fight that HE had continued. So he went to bed and that hurt my feelings more...that he could open that can of worms and hurt me and just go to bed like its nothing. So I followed him and started raising my voice because he wasn't acknowledging me. The fight got worse yet again and ended with him saying I have one more chance to prove that I can be perfect for him and if I mess up, I need to call home and move out ASAP, the moment I mess up. So now I have this "second chance" to prove I can be exactly the girl he's looking for yet he just wants to sulk and be moody and closed off and distant to me, even as I try to be better. I mean its only been since last night but I know how the rest of the week will be: Me smiling trying to get through to him, him glaring and not wanting me near. So what can I do to show him I am perfect for him, and make him get over his funk of dwelling on a petty fight? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): "So what can I do to show him I am perfect for him?"
Why bother?
Dont' go through with his second test. Move out.
He is manipulative and immature.
He says things just to see how you'll react? Is he 5?
He gives you "second chances" to prove yourself and gives ultimatums to move out? You are his partner, not a child.
Don't give him the pleasure of passing judgement. Tell him you're leaving and start packing. He sounds like a jerk.
A
male
reader, Problem.helper +, writes (8 February 2011):
 He said it pretty clearly : move out. Then break up with him. I know its harsh and if you are really in love it will be hard to end it , but he can't just give you this kind of ultimate choise. I mean he's not your boss and you are not his employee. This is relationship not work or some kind of experiment. Saying something like " you got one last chance " is unacceptable when you actually haven't done anything wrong.
I m sorry but he sounds like a big jerk to me. You can do much better. Don't act passive please. Do what you think it's best for you
Good luck and please respond how did it go.
...............................
A
female
reader, pink_daisy +, writes (7 February 2011):
pink_daisy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I'm not perfect. I'm over emotional and freak out kind of often. I didn't think it was a lot to ask me to be my best all the time.
But you all are saying I may have really bad self esteem issues? I know I have some insecurity issues but it seems like all women have just about the same ones.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Sometimes little things can expose much bigger problems.
I don't think this "little argument" is funny or insignificant at all. It has somehow managed to bring up several MAJOR red flags.
Just the fact that he thinks he can speak to you like that means, a) he does not think you are an equal, or on his level, b) you have allowed him to act this way before without correcting it and, c) you are accepting of what he said.
When he said that, the proper response would be to immediately cock your head to one side, squint your eyes, and after a pregnant pause say, "Ummm...excuse me? I know you did not just say what I think you said."
But then again, that response would have to have been a REACTION. And if that was not your reaction, then you probably don't understand the many reasons why that was not acceptable for him to say.
It is not, and never was, your job to be perfect, or anything else that he decides. You are you. And if he loves you it better be for that reason.
You are also dealing with the problem of living together. He has power over you in that way.
This guy is very manipulative, controlling, and most importantly does not see you as an equal. And that last part is a good indication of whether you should stay with him. Just know that it is nearly impossible for someone who thinks they are above another to ever really respect them or think they have much value.
You will always be working to keep him, be good enough, and keep up with an ever-changing "ideal" that he has of who you should be.
Do you feel comfortable challenging him on anything? Or telling him what you want from him? I just don't see you two as being on equal footing in the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, TexasTexas +, writes (7 February 2011):
So many warning signs in this post that I'm wondering what's going on with your self-esteem? I don't read any parity in the giving department. You are telling him that it's OK to treat you like this. For always.Is this the kind of life you want? Crying In the bathroom like a desparate, abandoned, and lonely, live-in, while your "love" trots off to bed knowing that you are hurting? Call Dear U-Hall and get out of there.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 I think the question here is do you really want to be with a man like that?
He sounds rather arrogant "you have one more chance to prove you are perfect for him"!!!
Well how about he proves he is perfect for you? Because from what you have said, he is way off the mark.
You deserve better - being deliberately wound up is not nice and not something someone does if you love them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): As much as the cause itself may have been petty, there really is nothing "little" about this issue. Conducting experiments, wanting you there only on his terms? This is mind control and mental abuse. You have one more chance to be the girl he's looking for? You are who you are and if he doesn't like it, stuff him. That's how control freaks behave - they turn it around to make you feel like the guilty one. In his eyes, you will never be good enough for him. In reality, you are too good for him. Hold your head high, pack your bags and take your dignity with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): If I were you I'd tell him to stick it and move out. What an immature jerk... trust me you can do a lot better.
...............................
A
female
reader, x.BrokenxHearts.x +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Why would you want to be 'perfect' for him when he spoke to you like crap threaten to leave if he doesn't want you there! Stop being weak or else you're going to get walked over for the rest of your relationship.
...............................
|
