A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Here's my story. I was dating this girl for the past 4.5 years while I was studying overseas. We lived-in together for 3 of those years. I loved her terribly and only saw myself with her. 2 months ago, after the end of my studies I had to leave and return home. We had talked about it before and we had agreed that we would end it at that point and move on with life since there wasnt much we could do about the situation. She still had 2 years of studies to continue and had no intention to move overseas with me. Howevr we did not rule out a possibility of getting back together in the future - 2-3years down the line. For the past 2 mnths since being back we have been talking on the phone 3-4 days a week. I never actually treated this whole thing as a break up so I continued to talk to her in the same loving/caring way. Turns out, she has a problem with that. She wants us to remain best of friends but I have to chnage the way I speak to her otherwise she says she;ll never be able to get over me. The thing is, I have always spoken to her in a loving tone so it would be exteremely wierd if I started speaking to her 'formally'. It just wouldnt be the same. Anyways, 3 days ago she emails and tells me that she wants less contact with me because we have to accept that we''re not together anymore and that she wants to move on with her life. She says she feels like a new independent person and wants a new life (ie. i take it that this includes dating other guys). That email really hit me hard because I never really acccepted the fact until then that we were no longer together. This is because, our breakup was purely circumstancial and not grounded on any ill-feelings or wrongdoings. I still loved her very much and never saw myself with anyone else other than her.Next after careful consideration, I emeailed her saying that I didnt want us to break up and that I wanted us to continue our relationship on a long-distance basis. I realised it was silly to end our beautiful relationship based solely on circumstances. i decided that I only wanted to be with her and that I would make sure that we're together. I also confessed to her that I wanted to marry her.Yesterday I get her shocking reply. She says that she has moved on in life and that she doesnt see us together anymore. She says she has given it a careful thought and its really not what she wants. She wants to move into her next phase of life but at the same insists that she still loves me (but in a diff way). She insists that she is not involved with any other guy. I believe her. Keep in mind that she had at many instances confessed to me while we were together that she only wanted to marry me and be with me. We were both madly in love during our relationship together. I am currently very depressed and shocked over her recent behavior. I am still trying to get to terms with it since I always assumed that she loved me the same way i loved her.My question here is as follows:How can a mere 2 months of separation/break change her mind so drastically?Wouldnt I be right to think that the 4.5 years we had together was somewhat fake and that it was a waste of my time?Was the 4.5 yrs together true love, as what I used to believe it to be? If not what then is love? Can I ever believe in love again?Does she even deserve me as a friend anymore?I would really appreciate some comments. Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Thanks for that baby duck. It was really helpful. I actually feel better now and I am actually thinking of emailing her and setting her free, so that to rid her of that guilty feeling. If I love her, I would want her to be happy.
A
female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (1 March 2008):
 How can a mere 2 months of separation/break change her mind so drastically?
She could have been unaware of unmet needs or she could have been in denial or she could have thought that she'd get past it ... there's many answers to your question.
Wouldn't I be right to think that the 4.5 years we had together was somewhat fake and that it was a waste of my time?
No, I don't think so. Life is not absolutes. Something I was taught last year but still wrestle with is "Your feelings today do not undo the past." In hindsight, we see all kinds of red flags but at the time, we were truly in love. Does that mean we were not really in love then? No. We are dynamic beings, growing and changing by design. Sometimes we grow together, sometimes we grow apart. No day of your life is ever a waste. You learn things all the time. As a matter of fact, there's many lessons in you right now that you do not recognize because you do not know how to apply them. Each day, another puzzle piece will fall into place and every so often you will have an aha! moment when the part of the picture is visible to you. Keep on keepin' on.
Was the 4.5 yrs together true love, as what I used to believe it to be? If not what then is love? Can I ever believe in love again?
Yes, believe in love. Love is not anything so simple as a feeling of desire or a commitment to be a partner. We all have our own definitions of what love is, what it isn't. It is quite possible for the two people in a loving relationship to have different definitions, in fact. The thing is, as long as each person gets all their needs and some of their wants met, it can be an authentic growing, loving relationship. You know the deal ... if you love it, set it free ... For people that say that if it was TRUE love, it would last forever ... well, that's just not so. It's a guilt trip, a power play ... an accusal that someone was a liar because s/he did not stay until the end. It is not always a lie. You are not the same person that you were ten years ago and you're not going to be the same person that you are today, ten years from now. That goes for everyone. Sometimes people grow together, sometimes people grow apart. A relationship between two people is NEVER more important than the two individuals. To insist that one or both not grow to keep the relationship intact is bondage ... it's just morally wrong.
Does she even deserve me as a friend anymore?
I don't know. If you're going to guilt trip her instead of let her go, maybe she already decided you're not her friend.
Let her go. I know you have conflicted feelings of hurt, anger, confusion ... that's all part of the plan, pal. If we grow with the experience, we will become better individuals ... and one day, you will have a better relationship with someone else. As long as you let her go, embrace your own growth, and are open to meeting new people.
Just know that I am telling all of this to myself, as I tell it to you. You are not alone. People's hearts are broken everyday. We have a choice: learn and improve or hold fast to that which failed us and deteriorate.
Create your peace.
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