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female
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anonymous
writes:How do you tell if a guy likes you for you and not for your looks?Out of all the guys ive been out with, it always turns out they only really liked me for my looks and not for who I am. At the beguining of the relationship they pretend to be just like me and I always believe them, thinking we have lots in common. But near the end, the real them shows through, and they tell me they have nothing in common with me. That leads me to believe they were with me for one reason. They would of known they had nothing in common with me in the beguining, thats why they put on the act.So how do I tell if a guy likes me for me truly and if hes being true? And is there something I could be doing to continually cause me to be in situations like this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmulattoman- i dont sleep easily with any guy, infact ive only slept with one bf before. and we waited a long time. so thats not it. and as for your suggestion of me being fixated on my looks and shallow....i dont think im like that either. i might be pretty and realise that, but it doesnt make me like all of which you described.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,
I do usualy ask for my friends opinions on guys I date, but they never say anything bad about the guys. I dont know if thats because they dont want to upset me by saying smehting bad or because they honestly do like the guy. I do know with my ex bf though, who was a total jerk who just tried using me, my friends all loved him to death! And when we broke up, my friends didnt believe me that he was a user and an abuser. They still dont...I guess they were blindd by his charm like I was at first.
But I will try telling them that I want there honest opinions about guys and hopefully they do give them to me.
I do try to keep an eye out for the shy guys, but it is hard because I myself am incredibly shy.
Thanks once again :)
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hey, you're welcome, and thank you for that followup! That helps make things clearer.
Right, the ones who drop you as a friend after you get a boyfriend, you may be right, they weren't really friends. It's also possible that they were so jealous they couldn't handle seeing you with another guy.
Look, this is a difficult thing to do, I know, but I think it might be a good idea to get some feedback on the guy you're thinking of dating or just started dating from your girlfriends. Girlfriends watch your back, generally.
I know there have been times when a girlfriend of mine has started seeing a guy I just know is no good for her. But I don't tell her that unless she asks, because it's none of my business who she chooses to date. Do you see my point? You need to give your girlfriends permission to assess the guy and give you their frank appraisal of him as being worthy of you or not. But you cannot get angry with them or blame them if they are telling you something you may not want to hear.
You may be so attractive that some guys remove themselves from the potential date list because they consider themselves not 'hot' enough to date you. Watch for the nice guy who is a bit too shy to ask you out.
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reader, mulattoman +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Keep your legs closed... TRY THAT FOR A CHANGE. That goes for other sexual favors too. THEN see how long they stay interrsted in you. That's how you know if they're with you for just sex OR if they REALLY like YOU.Perhaps you're so obsessed with your outward appearance that guys are so fixated on that rather than your personality. Maybe the way you act gives the impression you're not worth getting to know and you're only good for sex. Perhaps you yourself are too shallow and go for all the "douce bags" rather than the nice guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thank you sooooooooo much for your advice! it has really helped :)
When I think about the friends of the guys who I have dated, they were like you described, big party goes and none of them had long term relationships. At first, my ex bf claimed all his friends were in long term relationships and all had gf's so he felt left out...but when I finally met them all, only one of them had a gf.
All his friends would talk about girls in a disrespecting way...but my ex bf would say he would never join in.
As for where I'm looking for guys. I agree with you about it being hard to find a decent guy in the club scene, so I ont look for guys never, in fact have never picked up a guy there. Most of the guys ive met have been through university or friends of friends.
And I dont really have any guy friends, as all of them seem to stop talking to me once I get a bf. That makes me believe maybe they didnt like me for me really too?
Thanks once again.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
I'm not a guy, so I'm looking at this from a woman's perspective.
How can you tell if a guy likes you for yourself and not just your looks?
Hmm. First off, I would say that taking things more slowly in the dating is not a bad idea. It gives you time to get to know each other and really see if there is true caring and compatibility. Also, a guy who is in it just for the conquest may get impatient and the veneer will crack and you'll get a glimpse of the 'real' him. I think a guy who really cares about you will be patient and hang in there, even though he may be feeling impatient.
I'd take a good look at his friends and how they behave with the women in their lives. If he's hanging out with the party-goers who seem to change girlfriends every other week, chances are that's what he's like too. If he's hanging out with other people who have long-term relationships, that's a better sign to me.
How does he treat the people he doesn't know, for example waiters, shopkeepers, I mean the ones he encounters everyday. If he treats them badly or with contempt and a sense of entitlement that is obviously rude, he's a man who is only out for himself.
Keep an eye on his actions and don't pay too much attention to his words, that is unless he says something like, 'I'm not ready for a committed relationship.' In that case, he's being honest!
And where are you finding these guys who pretend to be just like you, and then near the end reveal the truth? You need to change your potential dating pool, I think!
Do you have good girlfriends that you can rely on? I would tell each and everyone of them that you are looking for a guy who will like and respect the real you. They could keep their eyes peeled for you, after all they may have brothers and cousins, and those brothers and cousins may have really great guys as friends.
If you're meeting them in the club or bar scene, you really do need to be cautious, as those are prime areas for men who aren't really looking to commit. What do you like to do? What is it that makes you passionate? Find a club or an organization that appeals to you, and join it. Make new friends there.
One other thing. Take a good long look at the men who are 'just friends' with you. There may be a guy who is just right for you but isn't pursuing you because he doesn't want to ruin a friendship. Sometimes the best guys are right under our noses.
Hope this helps, and good luck in the dating scene!
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