A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I was lucky enough to gain some help from you a while back and it was so helpful - I am grateful for that. There’s no short version of this so for those who take the time to read I am really grateful!Having got out of the relationship I was in over a year ago now I am now in a new one which for all intents and purposes is fantastic. However, I am feeling the whiplash of the previous experience of broken trust and deception. This is making me extremely suspicious and I am fearful that I may push her away. Some details....I have known R for over a year before eventually meeting her. We met on a Dating site and chatted, texted and eventually spoke - we so nearly met but I backed out at the last minute as I knew I could fall deeply for her but wasn't ready. We lost touch for a few months but I re-contacted her. She was on holiday with her bloke at the time and said that as soon as she got my text she knew "he had to go"...she said she was over the moon that we were finally going to meet!We did, not in a bar or for a meal she drove straight to my place and we just acted like we had been seeing eachother for ages. It was/is fantastic.So what’s the problem....? Well me probably :)Shortly after starting to see her she text me and said she had a 'friend' coming over "John, he will probably just want to moan about his ex...". I was uncomfortable with this but tried to play it down as why shouldn't she have male friends? She's a stunning and gregarious woman - part of what attracted me to her in the first place. Around a week later she had a call from her ex (he was being sad and wanting a reconciliation) she didn't hide this and said that she would tell him not to contact her anymore and that he said he would delete her number from his phone apologising for any trouble he had caused. Again, several weeks later I was fixing her phone (in front of her I hasten to add) and bang!!! in comes a text from the same bloke (not the 'friend' who came to her place when I wasn't there, the one she had been on holiday with). I was mortified!!! My line of thought went 'I thought she had dealt with him, why was his number still on her phone...what does he want....are they still in touch...???Then I discover that the bloke who came around to her place WAS in fact an ‘ex’…to use her words “someone I had a one night stand with several months ago, we both decided it wasn’t good but we remained friends”. Again I was absolutely devastated as the thought of her in the same house that I see her in with an ex filled me with horror…my trust in her plummeted!!!I confronted her about this and she reacted (probably, and I say probably as I am so unsure of myself) quite aggressively asking “…he is an EX for goodness sake…don’t you trust me….we are just friends…”. I felt somewhat stupid but couldn’t betray my feelings that the whole thing was inappropriate. As it turns out she called HIM to talk about MY reaction…the up shot being that she then sent me a text asking me to collect my stuff from her house and that it was over. I wasn’t prepared to walk away without her telling me that face to face.When I did see her that same afternoon she was so upset, tearful and frightened that I was actually going to leave her as a result of what she called a knee jerk text. She says that she is so frightened of commitment and that the path of least resistance was to “cut the head off to cure the headache”. I put my cards on the table and we had a reconciliation.Thanks for being patient with me guys, I really do appreciate it!!! So, here I am now, three weeks after that ‘episode’. She is a COMPLETELY different woman. She asked me to move in with her (I have), she says that she is embarrassed at her inability to see things from my side and that she is so lucky that I love her enough to have stuck with her. She is now a loving, caring attentive woman that I am so in love with. I know its teenager(ish) but she changed her relationship status on Facebook to “in a Relationship with me’…so now everyone including her ‘ex’s’ can see that! She says that she will await a call, text or FB message from the bloke I have most problems with and tell him as she is with me now its seems wrong for them to stay in touch. So why am I STILL finding it hard to trust her??? Its cracking me up!!! I certainly don’t allow her to see it as I know that would be counter productive. She says that she is flattered that I am territorial and that this is attractive to her. But for me I am really struggling with the trust thing. If her phone goes I default to thinking its her ex…and today, and this is why I am writing to you all now, I said I would fix her laptop for her (running very slow) and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I immediately suspected that she didn’t want me to access it and had hidden it…my paranoia grew to the point of me feeling really uncomfortable. Then it transpires that she took it to with her to do some work on it (something she said she was going to do and I had forgotten).How can I get over this and see what may well be the reality. That I have a beautiful, sexy woman who tells me she loves me nearly every hour of the day, and that says that she wants to be with me to the exclusion of everyone else!Thanks again!!!
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facebook, her ex, his ex, on holiday, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llr  +, writes (20 June 2012):
Hey, I don't know if you are still looking for answers, its been a while since you posted.
So I am looking at this from 2 points of views...when trust is broken and about keeping ex-people in our lives. I will start with the former, as its an easier subject and one that can have an effect on the amount of trust lost.
As a woman who has been lucky enough to have long relationships mostly with good guys (but not lucky enough for the big M), I can tell you that even if you are not n love with your ex or have any desire to be with him, sometimes it is just hard to tell someone to "eff off," especially if there was no ugly reason for he breakup. Also, just because we delete someon's number, doesn't mean that they won't randomly write to you, or email you.
It has happened to me before and in such a messed up way. A guy I dated in college, who wasn't a great guy and we didn't date for long messages me after like 3 years and all he said was "marry me" WHAT THE HELL? And of course my boyfriend was there since we were looking at facebook together. It was crazy, and I am sure he had a hard time believing it, but I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, he was joking, and he said he just saw my profile picture and forgot how beautiful I was (which I find inappropriate anyway).
I would be a little suspicious of the one night stand thing, only because I have never had one, so I can't imagine making friends with one. Unless they were already friends before. In any case, you had just started officially dating, and don't forget she left someone else for you, so maybe she was keeping her options a little open just in case it didn't work out with you. That sucks, but if she is a changed woman, then I think she has realized how much pain it caused you and that she really wants YOU!
As for the trust thing, I am struggling with it myself. Even if it not about cheating, once its gone its really hard. For the most part, I think the first part of your response should help alleviate some of the trust lost. The rest is up to you. For me, the hard part of losing trust was that I am always angry, or want to hurt him back (yeah, not healthy).
But in the end, if we love someone, and they let us down, but are willing to change, I think we owe OURSELVES a second chance with them.
A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Hey.
It sounds like this woman has turned her life around for you, even getting rid of her ex's who could have just been friends with her. My best friend is male and I know if I was seeing someone our relationship would make them jealous as we are so close it's unreal, but that doesn't mean I would ever kiss or sleep with him. He is like a brother to me and her ex's could have been some of her good friends. But then again I do have friend's that have male friends and sleep with them occasionally so I wouldn't be able to judge her unless I knew for a fact what she was like. Sounds like she is pretty committed now as she asked you to move in with her and I'm guessing it's going pretty good so that's another huge leap for her. I think you should just go with it. You obviously love her. So you have no choice but to trust her. I don't think she has given you any reason for you not to trust her apart from the text she had from the guy that she was supposedly going to delete the number. If she wasn't going to delete it she should have said so. As there is nothing wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite sex. There is nothing you can do unless something happens that makes you really doubt her. Stop worrying and be happy she chose you to be with.
Hope this helps :)
Happy New Year
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