A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,something has been bothering me for a very long time and has affected my relationships with women big time! From an early age among friends and family members many have accidentaly discovered that one or two of the kids they were raising with their spouses werent even theirs! And the spiraling negative problems ensuing for many years after have made me very scared to trust women. Some of the afore mentioned women were deceitful whether in a bad or relatively good marriage. I never did and still dont understand why... Such happenings had gotten to me so badly that at the back of my mind and regardless my relationship,i never willingly trust a woman. I keep thinking that even when i have kids with her,i should secretly procure DNA tests. It feels like a no win situation whichever way you look at it coz on the one hand you may trust her whole heartedly but be raising another mans child or you may take the tests or even openly question her about the paternity and possibly ruin a good relationship becoz of your doubts and lack of trust. I talkd to my mother at some point about my thoughts but she gave me such a scolding and telling off that it got my head straight. She told me that if i could not fully trust my girl,then i had no business being with her,but even so when ive been in loving and committed relationships the thoughts still remain at the back of my mind,ive overheard talks by some married woman who hooked up with some guy for a whil,tho brief but he made her feel so good,she had to have his baby. Women have so much power in this area but what does everyone think regarding this subject coz im sure EVERY man at some point has to assess the possibility. I dont know what this says of me as a guy but its a subject that kind of haunts me and taunts me and i prefer to be honest and open about it
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the interesting responses but what if your 10yrs + into marriage how is one to handle the matter?
Ok some studies say that by that time into the relationship chemicals are released in the brain which make you more inclined to trust each other so asking for paternity test becomes even more tricky unless you take one covertly
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 People who have some medical knowledge about genetics and how it affects things like eye color or people who access to blood type results know that the percentage of kids raised by a man different then their biological father without that guy knowing is fairly high.How high? You are better of not knowing.What can you do? DNA test? Doesn't protect against your own family. If you are going to suspect, you got to go the whole way and that way madness lies. DNA tests are not 100% accurate. What if the tester is in on it?Your mother is right (but who is to say your father is your father, she might just be saying this because she is in on it) in a relationship you need trust. Trust is by its nature not about proof but belief. It is very hard to recover trust once it has been betrayed. But by not trusting your future wife you are punishing her for something she has not done, she isn't accountable for the actions of other women. Else she might also demand you to proof you have not sired any children with other women. You have learned of something nasty that can happen to you and you want to control it. This is the basic recipe for OCD. That isn't just people who have a need to clean, that is a sympthom, the disease is people who need to control the uncontrollable. Like a person who never leaves a home so they never risk the dangers of the outside world you can live in distrust of all women, demand they proof themselves but where does it end?What you got to realize is that you control a lot of your own destiny but also got to surrender yourself to the parts you don't. You know that some women cheat but not all right? What makes them different? Cheaters always cheat, it is their nature and if you pay attention you can tell them apart. Don't date a woman who is dating another man is an easy away to avoid this kinda stuff. Has she a history of cheating? Like a traditional OCD cleaner you got to find the balance between washing your hands a hundred times and wiping your ass with your bare hand.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Just get the test on the sly if you don't want to bring it up. Trust, but verify.
Besides, women have known since the beginning of time that their kids were really theirs. Getting a paternity test is the first way we have ever created for giving men the same certainty. It's no different from putting a name tag on babies in the hospital to make sure they don't go home with the wrong mother.
It's a real fear, and one that most women don't understand - some don't even believe it's really a big deal. Forget them, and if they get upset over your legitimate concerns, that's their problem. If a woman says to you, "If you trusted me, you wouldn't get a test," tell her, "If you loved me, you would want me to be as certain about our child as you are." Answer one BS argument with another.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (25 July 2011):
 i totally understand your concern! id be upfront and honest with the women you date/have sex with that if they fall pregnant and suspect its yours youll demand a paternity test as soon as safely possible.
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