A
female
age
51-59,
*race89
writes:My husband and I have gone through a lot and it takes 2. In the past I have been very jealous and controlling and judgmental the point where he feels he doesn't really see me as a good friend to come to to talk to. So needless to say he has found other people who are single women who he confides in and I guess you can say I pushed him into there arms and one of them he has sting feelings for. So I have been busting my butt going to counseling and consistently working hard because I know the only way things can change is if I start to change for the better Well my question is what can I so for my husband and where do I fit in as a wife and show him I'm a best friend. He is going though a tough depression and he said he needs me to let him go out and talk and that he will talk to me eventually but I need to give him time. So he is hanging out with his lady friends and considering in them of his problems. I'm afraidMy mind is running wild wondering what they are talking about and doing and if it is a bitch session about me Jon wich he likes to tell the negative about me instead o positive since it hard for Jim to see positive in me. What can I do to show him I here as a wife and friend but not push him to them more or him become more distant to me. I feel so lost and hurt
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): It's too late, the time for "showing my husband that he can turn to me, not other women" has already PAST. You said it yourself: "In the past I have been very jealous and controlling and judgmental the point where he feels he doesn't really see me as a good friend to come to to talk to." You drove him away, he's already gone. There's nothing you can do because it's already too late. Once trust has been broken it's extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to be regained. Learn from this experience and strive not to be controlling, jealous and judgmental anymore, but it's a bit much to expect it to have any effect on his feelings for you at this late stage. You may now be nice to him but you're not starting from a clean slate you're starting from one that is tainted. You're now experiencing the consequences of your past mistreatment of him. People like to say there's no excuse to cheat. Well yes that's true, he should have left you long ago. Being controlling, jealous and judgmental of your spouse to the point that they no longer see you as a friend means you have broken your marriage vows (which are to love, honor and cherish). Once you break your vows you can't expect the other person to honor theirs....If this were any other kind of relationship like friends or other family the relationship can be repaired by your new better behavior because other relationships don't require anywhere near the level of trust and exclusivity that spousal relationships do. I think it's probably too late for your marriage unless you're willing and humble enough to wait indefinitely maybe decades for him to change his instinctive feeling about you without getting upset at him in the meantime when he hasn't. And that is if he doesn't by then decide to leave you for one of his female friends that he's now close to. Realize that you may have already ended your marriage. Have a discussion with him. Don't just talk about whether to stay married or not, talk about where he sees the actual relationship headed. Tell him that you're committed to changing your behavior and attitudes but you understand if he can never feel the same about you as he does for the other women who were there for him when you weren't. You both need to decide if your relationship should continue as a marriage, and if so what that will look like and whether it's acceptable to both of you. If it's not, then you might want to consider an amicable divorce and stay friends.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): You're right that you killed his feelings for you which is why he feels dead towards you and finds comfort in other women who don't have a history of hurting him.
However thee isn't anything you can do that will guarantee he will feel safe around you like with his other lady friends. Some times the damage has been done. The best you can do is to make those positive changes permanent no matter if he never draws closer to you. Because that's the sign that your change is indeed permanent : if it sticks even if you don't get the result you want. Then if your marriage ends you will go into your next relationship a better person and not make the same mistakes.
I hate to say but your marriage may already be over because he has already invested himself in other women. You had your chance and blew it and now it may just be too late. He has no reason to see you as a best friend because you were not one. And now he already has new best friends so he doesn't need you. The problem is that he will not take the final step and divorce you. Instead he keeps you in limbo thinking you have a chance with him.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 December 2012):
I would suppose you have to give him the space he needs to come around. You say you have gone counselling and such but things wont change in a flick of a switch. I think he does need the space and time to heal. What you can do is just be nice and show him your good side, treat him with respect and eventually he will lean towards you. The thing is that you still seem quite jealous and you assume the worst when he has his talks with his lady friends. I don't really see much improvement there if you had counselling.
Least to say you should have an open and calm discussion with him and suggest that the both of you need to go counselling.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (11 December 2012):
 He's manipulating you into "allowing" him to hang out with single women. He's disrespecting you, and your marriage. BOTH of you need to be in counseling, together, not just you. Marriage ios a two way street, and when they're problems, they need to be worked on from both sides, not just one.
The anonymous poster is correct, stop chasing after him. He either gets into counseling WITH YOU and works on saving his marriage, or he can go live with his lady friends - but stop allowing him to use you as his excuse to be unfaithful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Gee sweetie, you really need to start stamping your ground.. To beginning with he is married this him hanging out with single chicks, who he declares are just friends, is such chap.. Friends do not have emotional feelings for each other..And I don't care what your issues were, he has no right to disrespect you to these females..Tell him thus, stand up work on our marriage, stop hanging about with females pretending their friends, ( certainly he would not entertain it if you were doing the same, believe me.. He wouldn't) ORHe Ships out.. You don't care where.. You need to stop running after his ass, he doesn't deserve it.. Get your pride back and don't let him walk all over you like some kinda door mat..Take care, sweetie
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